


To Give Up Your Heart

by erwinsimp



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Light Dom/sub, Mutual Pining, Romance, Rough Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:40:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 43
Words: 58,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29798265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erwinsimp/pseuds/erwinsimp
Summary: In the year 845, you graduate at the top of your training class and join the Survey Corps. For your first expedition, you serve under Erwin, only a Captain at the time. After the terrible failure of the mission and the fall of Wall Maria, Erwin is promoted to Commander, and you are promoted to a Squad Leader. You see Erwin as a remarkable leader and as you spend time learning more about him while you work side by side you can't help but see him as a wonderful and lovable man. However, with death always looming around the corner you're hesitant to try to pursue him as anything more than a friend.The story continues with you working closely by Erwin's side through the events of the main story of AOT until the end of Season 3. There is plenty of sweet moments as well as sad ones. You make friends amongst the others in the Survey Corps and struggle alongside them.
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith/Reader, Erwin Smith/You
Comments: 32
Kudos: 97





	1. Starry-Eyed Recruit

I snapped to attention as soon as Captain Erwin approached, as did the rest of his squad, saluting him with the utmost respect. I was fresh out of the Training Corp, graduating at the top of my class, and it was quite the honor to be chosen for Erwin’s squad on my very first mission. He was a very poised man, everyone respected him without him having to demand it. Well, everyone in the Scouts did at least, everyone else saw him as crazy and reckless like they viewed all the Scouts. But I was confident if someone could change the way the Scouts were perceived, it was him.

“At ease,” Erwin stated, his voice flat and powerful as usual. Our arms fell to our sides but we stayed attentive as he began going over our plans and strategies. “We have gone over our formation numerous times so I expect you all to do as we planned. You each are skilled soldiers, some of the best in the entire regiment, but your lives are reliant on your ability to follow orders, trust in each other, and trust in me,” he continued, power and passion ever-present in his tone, “We give our hearts to our cause, do not falter in fear as we face danger. Do not hesitate in the face of death, and do not think we have failed before all our cards have been played. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir!” the ten of us replied in chorus.

“Very well,” I could see a slight smile playing at the corner of his lips, “then proceed to the final preparations for this mission, gather the supplies, and ready your steads. We head out as soon as the sun has finished rising.” He turned on his heel, his cloak fluttering behind him as he walked away.

I sighed when he left, which earned me a sharp elbow to my side. “What’s wrong, rookie? Captain make you feel nervous? Or is he so demanding you sigh with relief when he leaves?”

I looked over at who was speaking to me, Mike Zacharias who was a few years my senior and renowned as a powerful soldier. I smiled politely at him, “No it’s not either of those. The way the Captain gives his speeches, the way he is in general, he’s so passionate and powerful yet stoic and calm. It’s enthralling. When he speaks I get so absorbed that once he leaves I have to snap back to reality.”

Mike stared at me like I was crazy for a second then let out a hearty laugh. “Oh you starry-eyed rookie, you’ll get used to his speeches eventually. He has to be that confident if he wants us to trust in him.”

I hummed in agreement and nodded my head, “He does a damn good job at it.” Mike laughed again and gave me a quick pat on the back and we continued working, preparing for my first ever expedition.


	2. Fear and Determination

I watched in horror, seeing my comrades of other squads be smashed, mangled, and eaten ahead of me. I tried screaming but my voice didn’t work. I tried to engage my ODM gear so I could help but I was frozen, unable to move. I watched, in what felt like slow motion as more and more Titans appeared and snatched up my squadmates, each time they looked at me, pleading for help before being chopped apart in a Titan’s mouth. The last one was Erwin, and just before he met his fate he turned to me and stated flatly, “You have failed us.”

I woke up screaming, a cold sweat covering my body. It took a moment for me to calm down and realize I was in my quarters in the barracks, as safe as anybody could be. I shivered and pulled my blanket around my body and pulled my knees to my chest. It had been weeks since the expedition but the nightmares of it just kept getting worse and worse every night. The screams of my comrades haunted my memory. My entire squad had survived, but we weren’t unharmed, the rest of the squads weren’t so lucky. I had done my best to save who I could but I just couldn’t save everyone, and it ate away at me. 

Knock knock

I sighed, someone must have heard me screaming and come to check on me. I grabbed my robe and wrapped it around my body, for decency’s sake. When I opened my door I found myself face to face with a raven-haired man with an unbothered expression on his face. “Hello Captain Levi,” I greeted him, trying to be polite but even I heard the dejected tone in my voice.

“You were screaming like you were being murdered,” he stated plainly. He eyed me up and down, with a look that almost looked like concern. “You seem to be in one piece. What’s your problem?”

I sighed. “I’m sorry to have woken you,” he scoffed at that, “I was just having a nightmare.”

His nose scrunched up momentarily and he looked around as if he was thinking. “May I come in?”

I hesitated for a moment, nearly shocked that Levi was showing concern for me and obviously wanted to help. I held the door open and stepped aside, “Of course, Captain.”

He scoffed as I shut the door behind him. “I know that we tell you all to respect your superiors but that doesn’t mean you can’t refer to me by name. You are a squad leader now after all,” I gulped when he said that, reminding me of my recent promotion, “Or would you rather go back to the barracks with the rest of the soldiers and wake them with your screaming?”

“I’m happy to keep my current position, I just didn’t know you preferred being called by name, Levi,” I sat down in one of the chairs I kept in my office and he sat down in the one next to me. 

“Good, because you got the position for a reason,” he looked at me, his grey eyes seeming to bore directly into my soul, “You fought valiantly on your first expedition. Many of those brats out there are alive only because of you. And you followed orders brilliantly. The casualties we suffered were not your doing nor can you save everyone,” he broke eye contact, looking down at the floor now, “Every last one of us knows what we signed up for, we understand the death is lurking around every corner, waiting for us to make even the slightest mistake. It may be hard to carry on after such heavy losses, but we have to keep going, as long as we continue forth our comrades are not dying in vain.”

We sat in silence while I absorbed his words. He was right. I felt a fire burning in my chest, determination. “I will continue this fight,” I stated calmly, “On the behalf of my comrades and for the sake of humanity. I will fight on.”

Levi scoffed again, looking away from me and standing, “You’re starting to sound more and more like Erwin every day.” 

“You’re the one who came to give me a motivational speech,” I laughed.

He shrugged, heading for the door. “Clean up in here some time, it’s disgusting,” he stated, then he was gone.

I looked around my quarters: neatly organized, swept, and dusted. I couldn’t help but laugh again. I know he’s a clean freak but I feel like he said that just to make it seem like he was mean.

There was no way I could fall back to sleep tonight, so I lit the candle on my desk and sat down. Sorting through the papers on my desk, I began studying over our current strategies and planning out new ones.


	3. Late Night

I quickly fell into my new routine as a squad leader. Mornings were for preparing for the day: preparing my lessons for the newcomers and the strategy guides for my squad, dropping off my completed paperwork and picking up any new work at Erwin’s office, eating breakfast, and exercising my horse. Afternoons were for training: whether I was assisting newcomers with their training and watching over them or if I was taking my squad out for practice drills and strategy discussions depending on the day. The evenings were for me, well as much as they could be: finishing paperwork, a night ride with my horse, even hanging out with the other soldiers if we had the time and energy. 

This morning when I went to Erwin’s office he had a deep furrow in his brow, looking down and the papers on his desk and not even looking up to greet me when I entered. I stood opposite him and looked down at the paper on his desk, doing my best to read it upside down. It was a strategy map that he had obviously been working on for a while considering all the similar ones I saw spread across his desk. I studied it for a moment trying to identify his issue.

“You’ll probably want some more bulk to the front,” I pointed down on the paper showing, him what I meant, “And if you lower the spread between the squads it will lower our range to be spotted by Titans while keeping us close to lower our casualty risk by reinforcements and communication being faster paced. It will help achieve the fast and low-risk form you’re trying to get on small scouting missions.”

He hummed as he considered what I had suggested, sketching it out. “Like this, we have the front being most powerful, which is useful since they will be the ones seeing if there is danger first, while the back lines play more of a reinforcement role,” he looked up at me and smiled, “A good head on those shoulders. You continue to prove why you should be a squad leader.”

I felt my cheeks get warm and bowed my head, “Thank you, sir.” I handed him the papers I had in my hands, “I finished my reports, is there any more paperwork for me today?”

“No, I don’t have anything for you,” he leaned back in his seat and I saw him relax just a bit, “This evening we will be having a meeting I would like for you to attend. After supper, meet in the training room. And do me a favor, make sure to tell the other squad leaders as well if you see them today.”

“Yes, Commander,” I gave him a quick salute then headed on my way.

As I was told to I headed to the training room after I had dinner, with both Mike and Hange in tow.

“I can’t wait to discuss my findings with you all,” Hange stated proudly, followed by a snicker that seemed almost maniacal.

Mike sighed, “Hange, I don’t see how you spend all day torturing those beasts of yours.”

“It’s not torture,” they said, sounding offended, “we’re just playing games.”

“I’m glad you don’t invite me over for game night then,” I said with a laugh.

Once all the squad leaders had gathered the meeting began. Erwin started by discussing our current goal, which was figuring out how to reclaim Wall Maria. From there we went to each lead and let them report whatever they needed to: from newcomer reports to strategies they were thinking of. When it got to my turn I almost felt too nervous to speak, like a child in a room full of adults. Then I looked around realized none of them saw me that way, they were all looking at me with the same respect they gave everyone else. So shared my strategies with the groups, surprised at how interested they looked when I spoke. I even heard some positive hums and ohs while explaining. By the time I finished, I was so caught up in my strategies I forgot I was ever nervous.

When the final leader finished their reports, Erwin stood before us. “Thank you all for your hard work. Dismissed.” 

Before I could leave he had already made his way over to me. I looked at him nervously. I was in no way afraid of the Commander but I would be lying if I said that his stature alone didn’t make me feel a little nervous when he towered over me. “How may I help you, Commander?” I asked while trying to mask all traces of nervousness. 

“I’m glad you asked,” he said. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes, obviously I would ask what he wanted after he walks up to me and stares at me. He held the stack of strategy plans from the meeting in his hand, “Could you come with me to my office and help me look over and refine these strategies?”

I stared at him blankly for a moment, trying to understand why he would want me of all people to help him with the strategies. I was barely anything more than a rookie. But I couldn’t tell the commander no, so I nodded my head, “Yes, Commander.”

I followed behind Erwin on the way back to his office. I watched how confidently he carried himself, even when it was late at night and he was only around his closest subordinates. A brilliant leader, thoroughly. 

“How was your day?” Erwin asked, breaking the silence. I saw him peaking back at me over his shoulder. My cheeks warmed up a bit.

“The usual, work and training,” I stated plainly, “But I enjoy my work at least.”

“That’s good to hear. It means you won’t mind if I start giving you more work,” he gave a hearty laugh. I was surprised, I had never heard him laugh like that before. 

“Haha, very funny,” I rolled my eyes, “And you sir? How was your day?”  
“The usual, work and training,” he said, mirroring my answer. I realized I was walking beside him now, as he had slowed his pace to make it easier for me to keep up.

“You do training?” I asked, “I never see you out on the training grounds.”

He nodded, “I usually go out on my own where nobody should see me. I would hate to make any of the recruits distracted or feel nervous because their commander is training right next to them.”

“You should come train with us sometime,” I chided, “Not only would you make a perfect example, but you also can’t possibly be keeping your combat training sharply honed without a sparring partner.”

“You doubt my abilities, Squad Leader?” he asked sternly. I felt myself stiffen, knowing that I may have just gone too far. He looked down at my worried face and let out a laugh again. “You’re probably right. My hand-to-hand combat skills have probably declined, but I could still easily beat you.”

“Sir, is that a challenge?” once I realized he was truly being friendly and joking with me all my nervousness melted away. Besides, I couldn’t let him insult me without at least challenging him in return.

“No, it is not a challenge,” he stopped outside of his door and pulled out his key to open the door. “However, we will see the truth behind my statement when I join your training session.”

I gulped when I realized what I had just signed myself up for. But I didn’t graduate top of my class for no reason, I’m sure I can handle a simple sparring match with the commander. “The next time my squad does sparring practice is in five days, I hope to see you there,” I informed him as I passed him to enter his office.

I sat in the seat across from his desk and he took his seat behind his desk. He placed the stack of papers in his hand neatly on one side of his desk then grabbed the top one. He put it down between us and we both studied it in silence for a moment.

“We need to revise the part about riding towards the Titan on horseback to serve as a distraction while other squadmates go for the attack,” I stated, “The better option would be to simply get the Titan’s attention while remaining still then riding away. Riding towards the Titan could very easily go wrong if the TItan goes faster than expected, falls, or the horse gets startled at a bad time. The risk is not worth the reward in this situation.” Erwin nodded along, silently amending the plan sheet. He then moved it aside and grabbed the next one. 

This process repeated and before we realized it the sun had risen and we were looking at each other with tired eyes and speaking with lazy voices. When we finished the final one I looked up at Erwin for the first time in hours and saw how disheveled he appeared to be. His hair was pushed back and sticking up in some spots from him running his fingers through it as he thought. The straps for gear were undone on his upper body and just laying uselessly over him. He had even unbuttoned the top of his shirt at some point. I felt like I saw something I shouldn’t have, but something in me was so interested I didn’t wanna look away. 

“Do you work throughout the night frequently?” he sighed and leaned back in his seat, letting his head fall back and bring his hands up to rub his eyes. A yawn escaped his mouth. “It’s not good for your health but I admire your tenacious work ethic.”

I felt myself beginning to blush. He looked so different from his usual self but he seemed just as confident and strong as he always did. I wondered who else in the regiment had ever seen him this way. The way he presented himself usually was so put together, so authoritative, so proper that he almost didn’t seem human. But seeing him like this, I realized he was a real person, a beautiful man who had a sharp mind and an unbelievable amount of determination and confidence.

“Are you alright?” his question startled me, I was so absorbed in staring at him I had completely tuned him out, missing everything he had said before. “You’re looking a little red.”

The moment he mentioned it I knew I blushed more. I stood up, stretching my legs as I did. “Sorry for keeping you up all night sir. Would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee?”

I didn’t dare look at him again, but I could hear the smile in his words, “I was the one who asked for help, I should be apologizing. As for the coffee, I can handle that myself, thank you.”

I nodded my head in silence and saw myself out, desperate to hide the persistent blush on my face


	4. Sparring

Over the next couple of days, I tried to avoid as much idle time with Erwin as I could. Every time I saw him again I could feel the heat building up in my face again. Unfortunately for me, it seemed I had proven myself useful to him. Every time I would come to his office he would ask for my help with something, every time I passed him in the halls he tried to stop and chat with me. I felt weird trying to avoid him but after seeing him disheveled and tired and realizing that he was a human and a handsome one at that, I couldn’t see him any other way. 

When I was preparing for sparring, I heard Erwin and Levi approaching, speaking with each other. Then I remembered how I had invited Erwin to come practice with us. I turned to the soldiers in front of me and mustered up the best smile I could. “I forgot to mention Commander Erwin will be joining our training today.” The way their faces dropped you would think I told them a titan was standing right behind them.

The Commander finally made his way over we all did a salute to him, and he did it back. “Today I’ll be joining your training. This is not any type of assessment or challenge, I am simply here to get my training done as well. That said if anybody would like to take a turn sparring with me, feel free to ask. Please begin.” They looked mortified. And it only got worse when Levi walked up to a recruit and ordered him to be his sparring partner.

Erwin looked at me and I swear I saw him smirk for a split second. Cheeky bastard really thinks he’s going to take me down that easily. My apprehension about being around him faded into pure determination to knock him down a peg.

“Are you ready to spar?” he asked, voice calm and relaxed. I felt like I was about to melt and all the nervousness came rushing back.

“Yes, sir,” I agreed, masking my concerns the best I could manage. 

As he got into his stance, I got into mine. I studied him for a moment, watching the way he moved and trying to predict his fighting style. My mind was clear, disregarding any sort of feeling or thought I had about him as a person and tuning in entirely on the fight. 

He was the first to move, a punch coming straight for my chest. I sidestepped to dodge it but I felt to air whiz past me. I understood now that if he got one good hit on me it would knock the wind out of me, so I just had to make sure he couldn’t manage to hit me. Because of our size difference, it should be rather easy to avoid him, he’s large and slow in comparison to me and that would be his downfall.

The next time he swung towards me I ducked under it. I grabbed ahold of his outstretched wrist and put my leg out behind his and pulled. He started to fall but quickly reclaimed his balance. Before I could let go of him, he grabbed my arm, and without much effort,l he pulled my arm behind my back and bent it, holding it there to limit my movements. I felt a dull pain in my shoulder but I wasn’t done yet. I kicked backward at him and with one quick movement he knocked my other foot from underneath me. I fell to the ground, Erwin still holding my arm behind my back, kneeling over me.

“What do you think? Do I need more practice?” he asked as he held me there. I could hear the subtle sarcasm in his tone. 

“No, sir,” I said dejectedly.

“Very well then,” I heard him laugh under his breath. He let go of my arm and before I could get myself up he grabbed me by the strap of my gear and pulled me to my feet, showcasing his strength further.

I dusted the dirt off my uniform then turned to Erwin, who seemed to just be watching me. We made eye contact and neither of us said a word for a moment. Then he cleared his throat. “Are you… hurt?” From the look on his face, I could tell he was actually concerned.

“No,” I shrugged, “Do I look hurt?”

“You have scratches on your face. I’m afraid I was too forceful for a simple sparing match,” he bowed his head, “I apologize.”

I immediately blushed and turned away from him, “I can handle roughness. I’m a soldier, not a little girl.”

“I know you’re not a little girl,” he stated, when I turned back to look at him he had a visible scowl on his face. “Make sure to attend to your wounds, you don’t want dirt stuck in your cut.” Just like that, he turned on his heel and left. I couldn’t figure out if he was angry at me or what. But it ultimately didn’t matter, I had work to do.


	5. The Commander's Quarters

After a few months, I got used to seeing Erwin as a person. I grew accustomed to him asking for my help and advice, his tired face after staying up too late working, and his laugh that was surprisingly full of life. It felt weird and I wouldn’t dare say it aloud, but I started to think of him as a close friend.

Most evenings, it was rare to find more than two squad leaders eating dinner in the mess hall and nearly unheard of to see Erwin or Levi there. Usually, we would just pick up our dinner and eat it while we worked in our quarters. So when I decided I would be social one evening and eat my dinner with everyone else, I was shocked to see Hange, Mike, Levi, and Erwin all eating together with a few other soldiers I saw them with regularly. I made my way over and sat down beside Hange and across from Erwin.

Hange immediately turned to me and put an arm over my shoulder, “Woohoo another person to join us.” 

I crinkled my nose as they spoke, I could smell the alcohol on their breath. “Hi Hange, what a surprise to see you all here.”

“Uh-huh,” they nodded, “I asked these sticks in the mud to come to celebrate my scientific discoveries with me!”

“What exactly did you discover?” I asked excitedly.

“Nothing,” Levi answered for them, “They’re just saying that so they don’t have to admit they’re drinking to cover up the fact they’re disappointed in their lack of progress.”

“Wow,” Mike laughed, “If you say it any more harshly, you might make Hange cry.”

I shot a glance over to Erwin to see how he felt about the situation. From what I could read on his face, he was at least slightly amused but trying to hide it.

I turned to Hange, who now had their face down on the table, sulking. “It’s okay,” I consoled them, gently patting their back, “Scientific breakthroughs take time.”

“Yes they do,” Erwin concurred, “and it’s okay to let loose every once in a while, but please remember to not take things too far.” He shot pointed looks to Hange and Mike in particular. Then he stood up. “I have to return to my work. Feel free to enjoy yourselves. And you,” he looked at me, “If you aren’t too busy, could you come to help me once you’re done here?”

I nodded, “Yes, sir.” He nodded back then he was gone.

Once I finished my meal I excused myself from the table, giving Levi an apologetic look for leaving him with the two squad leaders who were drinking more and more. Then I headed to my quarters.  
I was going to help Erwin but I wanted to change out of my uniform into my casual clothes first. If I had learned anything about helping Erwin with his work it meant I wasn’t going to sleep until late, if at all, so I at least wanted to be comfortable. I had learned from my past mistakes, wearing my uniform and gear for more than an entire day sucked.

When I got to Erwin’s office I knocked as per usual, and he immediately responded, telling me to enter. When I walked in he looked at me, gave me a once over then sighed. Did I do something wrong?

“How will I be assisting you tonight, sir?” I asked, taking my usual seat across from him.

“I have to write a report explaining some of our new tactics so the other regiments can be taught them,” he stated, “I just need help with figuring out how to explain each strategy understandably. It helps to have someone else here to tell me if what I say actually makes sense in writing.”

“Understood, shall we begin?” I gave him a brief smile, in an attempt to reassure him I’m happy to assist.

We would take a strategy plan, decide on the perfect way to explain it together, then Erwin would write it out. While he was writing I would quietly sit and wait, so he wouldn’t be distracted. Each time I waited, I felt myself relax more, growing sleepier. I had no idea how long the two of us were working. But before I could realize what was happening, I fell asleep.

I woke up, warm and wrapped up in a blanket that smelled foreign yet oddly familiar. I buried my face in it and took a deep breath, finding the scent to be rather comforting. I opened my eyes slowly and saw the light of sunrise seeping through the window. I felt a sense of dread crawling up my spine as my consciousness kicked in, reminding me that I didn’t make it to my room last night. I looked around cautiously then rolled over. 

I peaked over in the corner of the room and saw him there. Erwin laid across the couch in his room. He was obviously too big to be sleeping on that couch, one leg was propped up on the armrest while the other hung off the side of the couch, his foot flat on the ground. He had one arm up and covering his face and the other hung off the side of the couch. I wanted to get out of his bed and run away because I was so embarrassed, but the rest of me was enraptured in carving every inch of his form into my memory. His messy hair, his wrinkled shirt, the bit of his abdomen showing because his shirt had ridden up in his sleep. I was mesmerized.

Then he moved his hand away from his face and looked directly at me. I felt like I was going to explode. I should have looked away or said something but the way he was looking at me with sleepy eyes was so… enticing, 

A smile crept along his face as he realized I was staring back at him. “Good morning, sleeping beauty.” he teased, his voice raspy.  
I sprung out of his bed and immediately started apologizing, “I’m so sorry Commander, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’m so irresponsible. I’m so sorry.” I bowed my head to him then grabbed my shoes and started putting them on.

“Calm down,” he told me, without moving a muscle, “It’s my fault for keeping you so late without even considering you’d be tired. I felt bad, so I put you in my bed. If you had woken up at any point I would have let you leave. But you managed to sleep through me talking to you, carrying you, and taking your shoes off. I figured you deserved to rest uninterrupted if you were asleep so soundly.”

I stood there silently for a moment. It was weird I didn’t wake up at any point. I barely slept at night usually, waking up to nightmares and any small noises I heard. So why could I sleep so peacefully the one time I fall asleep somewhere I shouldn’t. “Thank you for taking care of me,” I said quietly.

“Of course,” he smiled warmly at me, “I would recommend you leaving and getting to your own quarters without being seen. It’d be unfortunate if rumors were to spread about you coming out of the Commander’s quarters early in the morning, disheveled and out of uniform.”

I felt my face heat up at the idea and I saw a look across Erwin’s face that I couldn’t read. “Yes, sir,” I agreed quietly, before quickly making my exit.


	6. Drinks and Indirect Confessions

After the night I spent in the Commander’s bed he became the only thing on my mind. When I closed my eyes, he was on the inside of my eyelids. The image of him draped over the couch. His sleepy eyes looking up at me. His raspy morning voice. Whenever I spoke with Erwin I had to fight off the urge to leap into his strong arms. More than once I caught myself staring into his beautiful blue eyes, and I almost convinced myself he was staring back at me the same way. I was desperate to breathe in his scent again the way I had when I woke up in his bed.

Bonk

“Ow,” I rubbed the back of my head, looking down at the bucket that just came flying at me. “What the hell, Levi?”

“If you have time to daydream,” he picked up the bucket and put it in my hand, “then you have time to clean those disgusting stables.”

“I wasn’t daydreaming, I was thinking,” I lied, trying to get out of the trouble I had gotten myself in.

“What were you thinking about then?” Levi questioned.

“Umm…” I felt myself turning red and getting antsy.

“Dis. Gust. Ing,” Levi spit every syllable at me, looking at me incredulously as if he could truly read my mind.

“I know,” I agreed under my breath as I begrudgingly headed to the stables.

Scrubbing horse apples off the floor and walls wasn’t my favorite activity but at least the terrible stench helped keep my mind from wandering. I was more than grateful when I finally finished and headed off to the showers.

After my shower, I made my way to the dining hall for supper. My mind was once again cluttered with thoughts of Commander Erwin. He was beginning to be on my mind so frequently that I wanted to tell him just so he could reject me and I could get it over with rather than continuing to torture myself. 

I was so distracted that I walked into something hard. I thought it was a tree at first but that wouldn’t make sense because I was already inside. So I slowly stepped back and looked at what, rather who, I had run into.

Commander Erwin of course. I had walked directly indirectly into him. It was his own fault really for clouding my thoughts with his beauty. 

“Sorry sir,” I apologized sheepishly, “I didn’t see you there.”  
“You didn’t see me?” he tilted his head quizzically, “I was standing there, perfectly still, trying to talk to you and you kept walking at full speed until you crashed into me. Is something on your mind?”

I desperately wanted to tell him what I was thinking about but I knew it would be a bad idea. I sighed. “No, sir.”

He didn’t look content with my answer but didn’t pry any further. “I was trying to tell you the other Squad Leaders and I are meeting up to have dinner and drinks tonight. I tried to find you to tell you earlier but I couldn’t find you.”

“Oh,” you sighed again, “Levi sent me off to clean the stables today. Said I was daydreaming.”

“I see,” he looked like he wanted to laugh at me but was holding it back, “Are you coming along?”

“Sure,” I agreed, following behind him.

When we made it to the lounge room, everyone else was already there. They all sat around a table, with two empty seats between Levi and Mike, and two untouched plates of food. As people saw Erwin they held up their glass and cheered, earning them a small smile from him in return. He took the seat closer to Levi while I sat next to Mike.

“Glad you were able to find her,” Hange said to Erwin, gesturing towards me.

“It’s not hard to predict someone would be going to the mess hall during supper,” he stated.

“Would you like a drink, dear?” Hange asked me, holding up a bottle of alcohol and two glasses.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied.

“No reason to be so polite,” they laughed as they slid the glasses across the table, one to me one to Erwin, “Consider this like time off. We get to enjoy a night together every once in a while.”

“Thank you, I’ll try,” I brought the glass to my mouth and took a quick swig, feeling the burn from my lips all the way down my throat.

After a few drinks, I felt entirely relaxed. My brain was no longer filled with Erwin, in fact, it felt almost empty entirely. 

“Alright, arm wrestling time, betting allowed,” Mike announced, “Who’s up first?”

Some of the leaders seemed to sigh and roll their eyes like this was a rather regular occurrence. But that wasn’t going to stop me from taking him up on the challenge. So I sat across from him and we both put our elbows down on the table and clasped hands. I stared him down, glaring at him, determined to win. So when Dita’s hand hit the table, signaling us to start, I went all out. Mike was pushing back as hard as he could. It was tough but I started getting the upper hand and with one good strong push he was done for. I cheered for myself and heard others cheering and laughing too.

“Alright, who’s up against me next!” I challenged the room.

Without so much as a word, Erwin took the seat across from me. I watched his every movement as he went, even admiring the way he sat in the chair with his legs spread apart and his feet planted firmly on the ground. He put his arm up on the table and looked at me expectantly. I figured this wouldn’t be his type of thing to do and I really didn’t want to go against him. But giving up was not an option. So I put my hand in his and waited for the starting signal. Dita hit his hand against the table again. And as soon as it started it was over, my hand pinned under Erwin’s on the table.

“Wow, you overpower me so easily,” I stated.

“It appears so,” he smirked then we both returned to our original seats among the others.

Before long, people started heading off to their quarters. I was glad to have fun but I could tell I was at my limit and needed to stop before it was too late. 

“I’m gonna head to bed,” I said to nobody in particular, just announcing my departure.

Erwin stood as I did, “Allow me to escort you.” I didn’t disagree. Even if I wanted to, I always had a hard time telling if what Erwin said was a request or an order.

We walked in silence until we were out of earshot then I looked over at Erwin, who was as stoic as ever looking straight ahead. I wondered how he managed to do that considering I saw him drink his fair share as well. “Erwin,” I called out to him. He looked shocked when he looked over at me. I realized I never called him that. Anytime I said his name there was a commander in front of it, and more often than not I only referred to him as commander. Strange, I usually just called him Erwin in my head.

“Yes?” he replied cautiously. 

“Why are you so kind towards me,” I asked him.

He returned his gaze to the front of him. “You’re my subordinate. Of course I’m kind to you. I’m not Levi who uses fear to control.”

“Well if you’re kind to all of your subordinates why are you escorting me to my quarters and not… I don’t know, Dita?” I pressed further.

“Dita wouldn’t appreciate me escorting him,” he said flatly.

“Would you let any of your subordinates sleep in your bed?” I questioned.

“Only the ones who are trusting enough to fall asleep in my office,” he answered, not even sparing a glance in my directions.

“Then let me fall asleep in your office so I can sleep in your bed again,” I teased him.

I heard a quiet grumble from him. “What’s the matter with your bed?”

“Doesn’t smell like you,” I shrugged my shoulders like it was a fact that should have been obvious.

“You’re drunk,” he said in return.

“Maybe,” I conceded, “but that just gave me the courage to say it. I would mean it just the same if I was sober.”

He was silent for a moment. “Can we continue this conversation another time? In private?”

“Sure,” I agreed, “We’re almost to my room then we can talk there.”

He looked at me sternly, “Another time, when you are sober and can think clearly. Because if you think clearly you wouldn’t be thinking these things.”

I looked back at him, furrowing my brow, “I thought of these things so much while sober that I was told to clean up horse shit.”

He looked away from me again, not saying a word again until we made it to my quarters. “We will continue this conversation at a later time,” he tried to give me his angry commander face but I saw the softness that slipped through it. I don’t think that he realized that him agreeing to have the conversation rather than telling me to whisk away the thoughts completely was the only thing I needed currently. It meant that despite everything, the possibility of being with him was on the table.

“Yes, sir,” I smiled at him as I opened my door, “Talk to you tomorrow, Erwin.”


	7. Living in the meantime

I woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. I could barely convince myself to get out of bed. Maybe I had overdone it last night. As I laid there, my memories started reconstructing themselves in my head. Oh no, I definitely had gone too far. Not only had I called Erwin by his first name, but I also proceeded to accuse him of having feelings for me and then essentially admitted to having feelings for him. I took the pillow from under my head and put it over my mouth and screamed into it. And now I have to actually talk to him about it at some point. I’ll be lucky if I don’t get demoted, or even worse, transferred to the Garrison. 

Why did I say those things to him? Even if I do have feelings for him that doesn’t mean much. We’re in the Survey Corps, the casualty rate is 30%. Every expedition we go on, we’re lucky if both of us come back alive. Not to mention he’s the commander, he isn’t able to worry about my safety over anyone else’s or the mission, and I’m sure the cause is the most important thing to him.

I swing my legs over the side of my bed, my feet feeling like lead weighing me down. I dragged myself along to get ready for the day.

Instead of dropping off my paperwork directly to Erwin like I did most mornings, I slid it under his door and kept moving. I’d come back to pick up any paperwork for today once I had the courage. I kept going straight to the mess hall to grab breakfast which I ate while walking to the stables to take my horse on her morning run.

Sat upon my stead, the wind blowing through my hair, my head felt clear than it had in days. I controlled her with ease. Today’s ride was going on a bit longer than usual, I needed it to.

As I rode back I saw Erwin outside the stables, speaking with someone. My heart sank and I felt a need to run away. I saw a nearby recruit and waved them down. I hopped off my horse and handed him the reins. “Put my horseback in the stable for me,” I ordered without any explanation. Then I headed off to meet with my squad for training.

That evening I made sure I was the first in the dining hall so I could grab my dinner uninterrupted. I sat in my office, with no work to actually do because I refused to face Erwin still. 

I sat there, lazily eating my dinner and spacing out when I saw papers sliding under my door. I sighed, realizing Erwin was considerate enough to bring me my paperwork even if I was avoiding him. I gathered all the papers and saw there was a handwritten note amongst my work. I took it out and read it.

“I still wish to speak with you,” it read, “You aren’t in trouble and I’m not upset. But you cannot keep avoiding me. P.S. That is an order.”

I sighed, putting my head down against my desk. I was embarrassed nonetheless but it was reassuring to know I wasn’t in trouble, yet at least. I was almost tempted to pretend like I was so drunk last night I didn’t remember what I said. But I honestly didn’t want to back down. Just because our job was dangerous didn’t mean we don’t deserve to be happy. Just because tomorrow isn’t promised doesn’t mean I should be miserable today. Even if we weren’t in the Survey Corps, tomorrow I could catch a deadly disease and die but normal people don’t avoid relationships because they’ll die one day. They just enjoy the time they have currently. 

Before I could talk myself out of it I was racing down the halls to Erwin’s quarters, knocking on the door, same as I always did. There was a slight delay but the usual “Come in,” still came from inside.

As soon I shut the door I started talking, “Erwin, if you don’t feel the same way about me you can say that but if you use anything about the Survey Corps as an excuse I don’t want to hear it. Just because one of us can easily die at any time doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living in the meantime,” I looked him in the eyes, “Erwin Smith I want to be with you, regardless of what tomorrow may hold.”

He sighed and stood from his desk. “I’d be lying if I said I haven’t grown fond of you. That I didn’t ask you to help me with my work just so I could spend hours alone with you,” he slowly approached me, “I can’t let anything get between me and my cause however.”

“Then don’t, and I won’t either,” I said sternly, “I didn’t become a Scout because I thought dying would be fun. I joined because I want to get out of these walls. I want to learn the truth about the Titans. I want to know what is out there.” As he stood in front of me I stood on my tiptoes to get as close to eye level as I could, “But I refuse to not live now while I have the chance. I may die before we ever even get the chance to reclaim wall Maria, I may never see my dreams come to fruition. But god damn it, Erwin, I will live now.”

Without another word, he grabbed my face in one of his hands and leaned down to kiss me. His other hand rested against the small of my back, holding me against him. His skin felt feverish against mine and he kissed me like he would never get the chance to again. I felt his hand that was against my face slide to the back of my head, entangling my hair in his fingers and using that grip to kiss me even deeper. My hands against his chest gripped tightly onto his shirt as if I never wanted him to get away from me.

After some time he pulled away from my lips, still holding me by my hair and looking down directly into my eyes. I could tell by the look in his eyes he wanted to say something but he didn’t know what. It was the first time I had ever seen this man at a loss for words, and it was my fault. I couldn’t help but smile at him when I thought that.

“Be with me then,” he said finally, “while we can, we can be together.”

“At this moment, I want nothing more,” I agreed, snaking my hands around his abdomen so I could embrace him. He held me tight, my face buried in his chest. 

“Your strategies seem to be impeccable both in and out of battle,” he gave a soft laugh, placing his head on top of mine, “And how did you ever learn to give a passionate speech like that?”

“I guess I’ve been watching you too much,” I pulled away from him, then looked up at his face. I could swear I saw tears in the corners of his eyes before he blinked. 

“As much as I would like to be able to say otherwise,” he stated, “this has to stay between us. We aren’t supposed to enter relationships with our subordinates, but I guess it’s too late for that. So in front of anybody else, I am only your commander.”

“Yes, sir,” I answered, grabbing him by his collar and pulling him down to kiss me again.


	8. Substitute

The next day Erwin had to go for a meeting with the higher-ups and commanders in the other regiments, taking Levi with him and leaving me and Hange in charge of the daily minutia. Well, I was in charge of making sure everything that needed to be done was handled, Hange was in charge of making sure everyone behaved and listened to orders. Apparently, Levi told Erwin that Hange wouldn’t want to break away from her experiments to handle reports, schedules, etc, while I couldn’t be expected to have enough authority over everyone to keep everyone in line if something did happen. It didn’t really bother me this way, I didn’t want to be in control of the soldiers but the amount of time I had spent directly helping Erwin with his work meant I was fitting to take the portion of it he had to leave behind.

What did bother me though was my lack of time to prepare for it. Since I had spent all of the previous day avoiding him, I didn’t get the news until I had gone to his office to tell him how I wanted to be with him. When I looked annoyed at him for telling me at the very last second he only laughed at me and told me it’s what I deserved for avoiding him. 

I sighed, holding the stack of paperwork to my chest as I began my mad dash from Erwin’s office to each of the other squad leader’s offices. I elected to drop off the paperwork they would need rather than having them pick it up, it would be hard for them to know when to go to pick it up since I wouldn’t be in the office at the same times Erwin usually would be. Besides, I didn’t want any of them to be able to blame it on me if they didn’t get their work done.

Once I finished that I rushed to the mess hall to grab my breakfast then ran back to Erwin’s office with it so I could see what I had to get done today. I sat down in Erwin’s chair, disregarding how bizarre it felt to be on this side of his desk, and sorted through all the papers he had on his desk, piling them up in order of what needed to be done first.

Then I was off to training, knowing my training squad would be near twice the size today considering I had also taken any of the newcomers who were working under Levi. It was exhausting trying to help and monitor so many people at once. 

When the evening came and I was able to dismiss the soldiers for the day I was relieved. I picked up my dinner and headed to my own office so I could wrap up my usual work before heading to Erwin’s to finish his. I sighed, I wasn’t told how long they’d be gone, sometimes these meetings go on for days if things are particularly bad. I knew the situation in Wall Rose was pretty dire, lack of food and land and way too many refugees. I put my head down on my desk, maybe they’d be gone for weeks at this rate. It didn’t matter, I just had to see to my duties.

As I headed towards Erwin’s office I had to stifle a laugh at my own thoughts. How unfortunate it was I told him I wanted to be with him and he agreed but had to leave before we could make anything of that agreement. Such is the life we live, exactly what I agreed to. At least the only reason he wasn’t here was that he had work elsewhere, and I’ll still be here awaiting his return.

I worked in Erwin’s office late into the night, finishing as much work as I could. Once I felt exhaustion beginning to creep up on me I gathered up the papers I needed to give out tomorrow and headed for the door. I hesitated. Perhaps, since I have already done it before, Erwin wouldn’t mind if I did it again in his absence. I slowly walked to the door that separated Erwin’s office from his quarters, contemplating my actions with every step. 

I approached his bed and stared at it, considering if this was an appropriate thing to do. Well, it wasn’t but neither was being in a relationship with your commander, to begin with. Besides, nobody would have to know and I’d get to enjoy the rest I get. I took off my boots and undressed down to my underwear then crawled into his bed.

The bed itself was no different than my own, the main attraction was that it smelled just as Erwin did. It almost felt like he was truly there, protecting me while I was defenseless in my sleep. I felt my eyelids getting heavier and heavier until they no longer wished to open at all.

I awoke with a jump, feeling the bed underneath me shifting its weight. I looked to see what was happening and realized it was completely dark in the room still, except for the gentle moonlight that came through the window. In that light I caught a glimpse of blond hair and icy blue eyes, looking at me while sitting on the edge of the bed. I felt embarrassment rising to my face.

“I see you were serious about wanting to sleep in my bed,” he said, voice barely above a whisper.

“I didn’t know you’d be back so soon, I’ll head to my quarters immediately,” I said, sitting up and tossing the covers off of me.

“It’s alright,” he replied. I looked back towards him to realize he had looked away. “May I join you?”

I could feel myself blushing now, nervous to have exactly what I originally wanted. “Yes, sir.”

I saw the corner of his mouth curl up. “You don’t have to regard me so formally. If you cared for formalities, you wouldn’t be here to begin with,” he turned to face me again, I saw the gentle smile on his face and the softness in his eyes.

I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “Come lay with me, Erwin,” I reached my hand out towards him and he took it in his. He brought it up to his mouth and kissed across my knuckles.

He stood and I watched as he took off his clothes, presumably down to his underwear. I was glad for the darkness of the room, if I could see him in detail I may have begged him to lay with me in another way. But in the slight moonlight, all I truly saw was his sleepy face.

Erwin lifted the sheets and got into bed next to me. Despite the rather small bed, he made sure to leave space between us, as if he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. And worst of all, he faced away from me. I nearly felt offended, getting an opportunity to lay in bed with me but acting as if I wasn’t there at all.

“Erwin,” I whispered, “Are you comfortable? Is there enough space?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” he replied.

I thought quietly for a second, watching his form. He looked as rigid as a plank of wood. Was this man who had no fear in the face of death nervous to share a bed with me? I reached out across the small distance between us and put my hand on his back. I gently rubbed, feeling his defined muscles. He took a breath and I felt his body loosen up. I slid my hand around to his front, wrapping my arm around his body, and scouting closer so my chest was to his back. I felt him shifting his weight, then his hand on mine. I waited, to see if he’d push me away. But he just held onto my hand instead. I smiled and buried my face against his back, leaving a few small kisses before closing my eyes and drifting to sleep.


	9. The Morning After

I woke up the next morning in the same position I fell asleep, with Erwin still holding my hand. I could see that he was still asleep: body relaxed, even breathing, and a subtle snore. With the first sunlight of dawn creeping through the window, I knew this couldn’t last much longer but I would enjoy every second while I could. 

Without taking my hand away from his, I sat up and leaned over him. I started placing soft kisses all over his face until he started to stir from his slumber. I felt him give my hand a tight squeeze and his eyes opened slowly, finding their way to meet with mine.

“Good morning,” he greeted in his husky morning voice. He reached towards me with his free hand and cuffed it around the base of my head, pulling me down to kiss him on the lips. He let go of my hand he was holding and rolled over so he was on his back, looking straight up at me.

“Good morning to you,” I leaned down to kiss him again and I felt him hum in approval against my lips.

We stayed like that for a couple of minutes, idling holding onto each other, staring into the other eyes, and sharing small kisses. But, as much as I wish we could have stayed like that all day, Erwin eventually sat up. “We have to get to work, if we can’t manage to keep our usual schedules then people may get suspicious,” he commented.

I watched as he stood and stretched, memorizing the form of his taut back muscles as he reached up above his head. He turned his head, looking at me over his shoulder then giving me a knowing expression. I couldn’t help but blush, he looked as if he had been carved out of marble then permitted to walk amongst humans as if he were an ordinary man. I desperately wanted to learn what every part of him felt like.

I gathered my clothes and started to dress, but my eyes never left Erwin’s form. Watching him pull up his pants, pull his shirt over his body, adjusting the straps on his gear. After he finished dressing he ran his fingers through his hair. I looked in front of him and realized he was looking in the mirror the entire time and could probably see me gawking at him the entire time. The way he laughed when I blushed confirmed it for me.

“Come here,” he said calmly, beckoning me his hand. I walked to him and looked up at him, still blushing, trying to guess what he was about to do. He took the hair comb off the dresser next to him then walked behind me. He pulled the tie out of my hair then gently started combing through my hair. “I can’t have you leaving looking like you just crawled out of bed.”

“I was going to fix it,” I protested weakly.

“Well, too late, I’m fixing it,” he ran his fingers through my hair, gathering it up and putting it in a ponytail high on my head. Once he finished he leaned down, putting his face in the crook of my neck, and placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder. I felt electricity run through my spine. Erwin had a more gentle and caring touch than I ever could have imagined.


	10. Office Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Warning. Proceed with caution.

After carrying out my duties for the day I went to the dining hall to pick up my dinner. I was shocked to see a table with Erwin and the other squad leaders at it. I figured they must have practically begged him to join them for dinner so they could ask him about the meeting. But if everyone else was there, I figured I may as well join them. I took an open seat at the end of the table, next to Levi, across from Dita, and a fair bit away from Erwin. 

“What are you all here for?” I asked Levi.

“Nothing,” he responded, “As it would turn out the Commander was here alone at first and one by one we all figured something must be going on and sat with him.”

I let out a short laugh, “So you’re telling me we all were just so confused to see Erwin eating we thought something was going on?”

Levi sighed, “It would appear so. I’m out of here.” With a huff, he picked up his tray and left the dining hall. 

“Oi, there you are!” when Levi left, it revealed me to Hange, who was sat on the other side of him. “Commander Erwin said he wants to see you in his office after you’ve finished your supper. Probably just wants to talk about the work you did while he was gone.”

I glanced over at Erwin, who was now gathering his empty tray and preparing to leave. He glanced at me, his stoic expression was unchanging. “Thank you for letting me know Hange, I’ll make sure I head over there as soon as I finish eating.” I watched as Erwin left the dining hall, looking like the poised commander he was.

I finished my dinner with the others, making sure I didn’t appear to be in a rush. I casually spoke with my comrades, joking and laughing with them. Sometimes it surprised me how high-spirited the group could be despite the dangers we faced.

After dinner I made a detour to my quarters, grabbing my completed paperwork. Since Erwin had summoned me I might as well bring my work with me, it’ll help keep suspicions low as well. 

Then I headed to Erwin’s office, knocked, and waited for him to tell me to enter as usual. But the call to come in didn’t come. So I knocked again. After a second the door opened and Erwin stood before me. He had taken off his jacket and his gear so he was just in his button-down shirt, pants, and boots. When I stepped into his office, he shut and locked the door behind me. I made my way over to his desk as I usually did and sat in the chair opposite his. He sat in his chair and stared at me without a word.

“Here are my daily reports, sir,” I eventually said, setting my papers down on his desk. He reached across, thumbed through them then placed them in a drawer on his desk.

“And how was the work while I was gone?” he asked.

“I had no issues, sir,” I informed him. 

“And are you finished with your duties for tonight?” he inquired.

I stared back at him momentarily trying to read him but he had on his emotionless face. “Yes, I have, sir.”

“Then you are dismissed,” he said flatly. I stared at him for a second. Did he seriously only want to discuss my work? I figured that he wanted to see me for other reasons, maybe even invite me to stay in his bed again.

But I wasn’t interested in rushing him into things he didn’t want to do so I stood and saluted him, “Yes, sir.” Then I headed for the door.

I heard him let out a sigh, ”You’re bad at this. Once I dismiss you for the night means I’m not your Commander again until tomorrow morning, not to leave.” I turned around to look at him again, he hadn’t moved but his expression had relaxed. “Come here.” I did as he asked and walked up to his desk. He stared at me for a second before adding, “To this side of the desk please.”

I walked around his desk so I stood directly in front of him. He looked up at me, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. I felt my face slowly heating up.

“You said you wanted to be with me. Did you not?” he asked, “I’m sitting here, waiting for you to do something, say something. Perhaps you have changed your mind.”

“I haven’t changed my mind at all,” I said meekly, “I just don’t know what you want.”

“Well, I don’t know what you want either,” he responded, “You just said you wanted to be with me, not in what fashion.”

“In every way,” I answered.

He reached his hand out towards me and I took it. He pulled me towards him until I was in his lap. “Do not forget I did say I wanted to be with you as well,” he said, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace, “There is no reason to hold back behind closed doors.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, settling onto his lap. “I suppose so. But you seemed so nervous last night, I didn’t really know what you’re comfortable with.”

He put his hand under my jaw and pulled me in for a kiss. “Well, it is a little nerve-wracking to return to your bed in the middle of the night and find a woman in her underwear in it.” He placed a kiss upon my neck, right behind my ear that sent a shock through my body.

“I wasn’t expecting you back so soon,” I admitted, “I just wanted to sleep in your bed while you were away.” I slid one of my hands up and entangled my fingers in his hair, my other hand finding a place to rest against his chest.

“I’m sorry for intruding then,” he teased. I felt his lips against my earlobe and then he took it between his teeth, biting gently. Then he pulled away with a quick flick of his tongue against it. “But wasn’t it nicer with me there?” he whispered.

“Erwin,” I whined. I could feel the heat building up in my face and it felt like my inside was starting to tie itself in knots.

“I remember when you were first assigned to my squad,” he placed another kiss on my neck like it was punctuation for his sentence. “You were brilliant and full of drive,” another kiss, lower down. “And your tactical abilities proved your brilliance further,” another kiss. “I started asking for your assistance because it seemed useful for our mission,” now he was at the base of my neck. “But spending those long nights with you made me want to know you more personally,” he kissed my collarbone. “Now look at me, I have you all to myself,” I felt his teeth dig into my skin and I let out a gasp.

His free hand found its way to my thigh, gripping it tight in his hand. He had my mind spinning already, I’d let him take me right on his desk if that’s what he wanted. I found myself beginning to squirm in his grasp as he continued kissing and teasing my neck. I started undoing the buttons on his shirt and as soon as he let up for a second I leaned forward and kissed him on his chest, then I sucked and licked at the spot until I had left a mark. I started working my way up, leaving a trail of kisses until I got to the base of his neck, then I gently bit into the skin. Erwin leaned his head back against his chair and let out a deep groan.

I let out a surprised gasp as I felt myself being lifted. I looked at Erwin, now standing, with a serious expression on his face and a bit of sweat on his brow. He placed me down on his desk and placed his hands on either side of me so he was leaning down, face to face with me. “Do you want me?” he asked. I knew exactly what he meant, I could see a look in his eyes almost like a hungry animal.

“Yes, sir,” I responded, not breaking eye contact for a moment.

He reached his hands up and carefully began unbuttoning my shirt. I leaned up towards him and caught his mouth with my own. He licked my lower lip then slid his tongue into my mouth, beckoning mine to battle with his. Once he pushed my shirt off my body, he unclasped my bra and cast that aside as well. He gently pushed me down until I was flat on my back against the desk. 

Erwin stood over me for a moment, his eyes tracing over my exposed body. In the dim candlelight, his skin looked warm and inviting. I couldn’t help but lick my lips as I watched him shrug off his already unbuttoned shirt, letting it fall to the floor. Then he bent down over me, placing his mouth over one of my breasts and his hand over the other. I whimpered when I felt him pinch one nipple between two fingers while the other was being gently pampered by his tongue. I wrapped my arms around him, both of my hands playing with his blond locks.

After a minute he pulled away from my breasts, standing over me again. His hands traced their way down my sides and to the button on my pants. He looked me in the eyes as he unfastened my pants. He crouched down to take off my boots then pulled my pants off of my body. I watched in fascination as he undid his pants and pushed them down, letting them fall to his boots. I could see his dick pressed against his underwear like it was trying to break free. His hands returned to my hips, grabbing my underwear and slowly sliding them off of me. He looked down at me, letting his eyes trace over every inch of me.

Erwin gently grabbed my legs, pulling them apart and having me prop my feet up on his desk. He leaned down over me again now, kissing me voraciously. I wrapped my arms around his back, holding tightly onto him. He reached down with one hand, I felt his fingers sliding up my slick opening and I moaned into his mouth. He slid a single finger inside me, then he added another. He pumped them in and out of me, making me moan into him again and again. When he pulled his hand away I whimpered, missing the feeling as soon as it was gone. Then I felt something else pushed up against me. 

Erwin pulled away from our kiss and balanced above me, watching my face as he started pushing his cock inside me. He pushed in then stopped, the feeling of slight discomfort must have shown on my face because I could see him looking back at me with concern. “Tell me if you want me to stop,” he whispered.

“Please keep going,” I begged. So he did, he pushed further and when I made a face again he stopped until I was comfortable again. The next time he stopped I figured it meant there was nothing left to go, but he just quickly adjusted his position and kept going. I felt relieved I hadn’t gotten a full view of the size beforehand because I may have been too intimidated to continue if I did.

“Are you alright?” he asked after a moment. I nodded and he nodded back. He started rocking his hips back and forth slowly, returning to kissing and sucking on my breast as he did. I arched my back towards him, moaning each time he pushed into me.

His thrusts picked up speed over time and I could feel my insides tightening up. He stood up straight, using one hand to lift my hips to hold me at the right angle. He stopped moving for a second and looked down at me. I looked up at him, admiring the way sweat clung to his beautiful form. Then he thrust all the way into me and I let out a loud moan. I found Erwin’s hand covering my mouth a split second later. “Sorry, beautiful. We can’t have you waking the entire regiment. Those noises are too obscene to pass off as night terrors,” he smiled at me sweetly while continuously slamming his hips against me, plunging as deep as he could inside me. 

I screamed into Erwin’s hand feeling all my muscles tightening at once. My vision spotted white and I could feel the muscles in my legs shaking. I could hear Erwin’s labored breathing when my mind began to clear again. I watched his face, first tense then his jaw slacking and letting out a deep moan, as he pulled out of me and shot milky strings onto my abdomen.

“One second,” he said as he pulled his pants up and retreated to his bedroom. He returned with a towel in hand and proceeded to wipe the wetness from my legs as well as my stomach. “Are you content?” I nodded in response, causing him to laugh. “Have I taken your voice away?”

“No,” I whispered, “I’m just processing what happened.”

“Would you care for another demonstration?” he teased.

I sat up on his desk and opened my arms to him. “Maybe another time, take me to bed now.”

He chuckled, leaning down to pick me up. “Can’t walk on your own?” I blushed and buried my head into his shoulder, making him laugh even more. “How cute,” I felt him gently rubbing my head as he carried me to his bed.


	11. The Next Expedition

A few weeks passed and work ramped up quickly. We were preparing for our next expedition and the opportunities I had to spend time with Erwin were few and far between. I felt grateful for the nights I got to come to his room to help him plan but even those nights rarely ended with cuddling in bed, it was usually just working until the sun rose or one of us fell asleep in our seats. Though I had to admit, seeing Erwin asleep at his desk was a somewhat humorous sight, he would always end up with his pen in his mouth for some reason.

Our current plans were to start setting up a resource path between Trost and Shiganshina to make it easier when we were finally ready to reclaim Wall Maria. Today was the first expedition of that mission. We rode out at dawn.

The outposts were meant to be approximately 100 kilometers apart so it should only take us about 2 hours to ride out, an hour or less to set up, and 2 hours riding back as long as there were no complications. Hopefully, all of us would be back in time for dinner.

Each supply squad rode in a formation that had the supply cart in the center surrounded by the other members. We had smaller scouting squads on the outskirts of the formation. Things went flawlessly on the way out.

About an hour into our journey back is when things began going wrong. A red flare was shot up from the east of the formation, a black flare from the front meaning a titan was approaching from the east as well as an abnormal from the front. A green flare shot forward from the center, over my squads head, of the formation, from Erwin, directing us to continue forward. I shot off my green flare in the same direction, ensuring to pass along the message. I hoped the squad in front of us was able to receive the message.

“Engage ODM gear,” I commanded, “Prepare to fight, we’re dealing with an irregular so we have to stop it before it can break our formation.” With that, I flew off my horse, allowing her to continue forward, as did the rest of my squad. I stood on the rooftop, trying to make out what was going on ahead. “We’re looking at a 5-meter variety, running on all fours, crushing anything in its path. Someone stop the horses to keep them from getting squished, this thing is headed straight for the center of our formation, where there are the most people,” I relayed, “Scouting squad looks alive but their horses aren’t. Engaging titan in 3… 2… 1…” 

As soon as I finished my countdown I flew forward, headed straight towards the titan. My squad flew in behind me. “Stay spread out, grabbing two of us at once may be enough to make it want to stop and fight,” I advised. This abnormal shouldn’t put up much of a fight, since it’s uninterested and moving on all fours it’s unlikely to defend itself. I waited for the perfect opening then I dove for it, taking out its nape as I flew behind it.

Another flare, red smoke right by us. God damn, it must have been the one who went off with the horse. I went as fast as I could, but not fast enough. My squad member was caught in the teeth of a 4-meter titan. Blood and organs falling against the ground. I flew straight for the titan’s neck, it was already distracted so I needed to take the opportunity while I had it.

I stood on the rooftop to check for any other approaching titans but I didn’t see any so I shot off my green flare. I saw green flares shooting off around me so I knew my message had been received. I went to my fallen comrade, as much as I wanted to cry at that moment, I would save it for when everyone else was safe. So instead, I saluted him. Then I grabbed a cloth from the cart and carefully wrapped up his remains and put them in the cart. I looked back to see all of my squad members, as well as the stranded scouting squad, saluting from the rooftop.

“Get back on your horses. Anybody without a horse, take a spare. Someone can take mine as well. Anyone still without a lead can double up or ride in the cart. I’ll lead from the rooftops and keep an eye out,” and without a word, they all got back to the steads. The one soldier still without a horse elected to ride on the horse with a comrade rather than in the cart with the fallen comrade. I took to the roof and led the rest of the way home.

Riding through Trost, I watched and listened as the townsfolk welcomed us back. Of course, some were still cynical of us and our abilities. Some made snide remarks about how we managed to lose soldiers even though we weren’t even gone a day. I scoffed at that. I’d like to see them saying the same thing if they had to face a titan. It felt like salt in a fresh wound to hear them speaking so ill of us after I just lost my first subordinate.

After making it back to the headquarters and handling all the pressing matters, I went straight to my office. I had to fill out my expedition report as well as a death report. My hand felt like lead as I wrote but I finished it nonetheless. I knew I had to take the paperwork to Erwin but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it just yet. I wasn’t ready to face him, to face anybody. I knew they would all console me, tell me it wasn’t my fault, praise me for handling two titans with only one death. But none of those things would make me feel better. I want my comrades to live, I want them to make it home every time. My orders leading someone to their death was a heavy burden to bear.

I slouched in my chair, letting hot tears run down my face. I hung my head and let the tears fall in silence. Then the door opened and I quickly tried to wipe away the tears. I knew exactly who it was without looking, the only man in the entire regime who didn’t bother to knock before entering my office, Erwin.

“Yes, Commander?” I greeted weakly, looking up to him.

“You’re dismissed,” he said, locking the door behind him. I knew that meant he wasn’t here for anything work-related. “You didn’t get dinner tonight and I haven’t since you once since we returned today. I was waiting for you to come to my office to drop off your reports so I could speak with you but you never came. Are you alright?”

I took a deep breath. “I know you’ll say it’s not my fault, it happens or whatever, but it’s still bothering me. I could have given a different order and he may still be alive.”

“Maybe you could have,” he replied, “but that order may have cost someone else their life, maybe even your entire squad. It is easy to question decisions in retrospect. But it doesn’t mean it wasn’t the best option.”

I sat in silence, staring down at my desk. I knew he wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t like the thought made me feel better. Nothing truly could, I had to mourn the loss of my comrades, the one in my squad and the ones outside of it.

I heard Erwin’s body hit the chair in my room and a deep sigh, “Won’t you come to sit with me?” he asked. 

I got up from my desk and crossed the room to join him. I sat with my legs across his lap and my head to his chest. Without any hesitation, he wrapped both of his arms around me and put his face into the crook of my neck. After a few minutes, he whispered, “Today was my first losses as the commander. Four lives in total. The mission may have been a success but I’m worried,” he buried his face further into me before continuing, “I’m worried that before long I’ll have a pile of corpses and nothing to show for it.”

Gently, I wrapped my arms around Erwin, squeezing him. “If there is any man I trust to lead us to reclaim Wall Maria, it’s you. And after that we’ll get to continue our search outside the walls, we’ll get to see what else is out there, I’m sure of it.”

He sat up, then smiled wryly at me, “I expect you to be there until the very end then.”

“I’m not planning on going anywhere,” I reassured him, leaning forward to kiss him on his nose. I felt his grip on me tighten.

Erwin lifted his hand to my face and caressed my cheek, “Thank you for believing in me.” He leaned down and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. He snaked his hand around behind my head, pulling the tie from my hair, letting it fall from its ponytail. “We have an off-duty day tomorrow,” he stated, “I’m sure if we go off into the woods alone nobody would notice.”

I couldn’t help but smile at him when I heard his suggestion. “Do you need time away? Is that what I’m hearing?”

“I do,” he admitted, “It has been months since we’ve had an actual day off, I’ve barely had any time away from HQ at all. Even the relentless commander does appreciate the time to decompress.”

“It’ll be good for your health,” I agreed, “Maybe we could even sleep in for once?”

He buzzed, making a face as if he were contemplating it, “I don’t know if my body would allow that even if I tried.”

I gave him an exasperated sigh, “That’s probably true, but can’t we at least stay in bed a while longer than usual? Don’t you know how much I enjoy spending my mornings with you? And you look so cute with your messy bedhead,” I teased him, ruffling up his hair with my hand.

He pushed my hand away, flattening his hair back to his head. The way he constantly wanted to look composed was part of the reason I enjoyed him so much. And the way he tried to always act unfazed by my teasing but I could always see the way he looked flustered under the surface. “Yes, we can spend extra time in bed. It will be a good rest for our bodies.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” I kissed him on his cheek, “Take me to bed.”

He let out a small laugh, “Yes, let’s head to bed then.” He stood, picking me up bridal style in his arms, carrying me to my bed.


	12. A Day in the Woods

“Erwiiiin,” I whined, reaching up to him as he got out of bed. “Stay longer, please? What’s the rush?”

“If we wait too long it will get cold out, being out in the cold isn’t enjoyable,” he shrugged his shirt onto his shoulders, “Will you come on? We get to come back tonight and the beds will still be here when we return.”

I sighed and threw my legs over the side of the bed. I looked up at him through my eyelashes, “Erwin, wouldn’t you prefer to ravage me on the bed now instead of leaving?”

He stared at me for a moment, as if he were truly thinking about it, then he just smiled and looked away, electing to put on his boots instead. “I’m going to go back to my quarters to change into my plain clothes,” he stated, “Meet me down behind the stables, I’ll be waiting.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead then left my room.

After getting dressed, I practically ran to the stables. I almost wanted to laugh at myself, I felt like a little kid whose first crush just asked her to meet with them. I peeked cautiously around the back of the stables and saw Erwin sitting on his horse. “Ah, hi,” I whispered, “Do you want me to grab my horse?”

“No,” he answered, holding his hand out to me, “It will be a little odd if someone sees that only our horses are out, I can make up my own excuse if I need to. But I highly doubt anyone would have the guts to question why their commander took out his horse.”

I took his hand and he pulled me up onto his horse, I sat behind him, pressing my chest against his back. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on tightly. “Do you know where we’re headed?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he answered, steering his horse towards the woods, “There’s a river in the forest. It would be pleasant to lounge by the water while it’s warm out. Don’t you agree?”

“Hmm,” I pressed my cheek against his back, “I didn’t really take you for the type who liked to play in the water.”

“I wouldn’t say I am,” he replied, “But I enjoy spending time out in the sun whenever I have the chance.”

“What if I wanted you to play in the water with me? Then would you be interested?” I asked.

“We’ll see,” he answered curtly.

I rested against him, letting him ride to our destination in silence.

“Hey, we’re here,” Erwin said eventually. I opened my eyes to see the reflection of the sun against the water. He slid off the stead then grabbed me by my waist to pull me down.

“You know I can get off a horse myself, right,” I questioned.

“Of course you can,” he smiled at me sweetly, still holding me a few inches away from the ground, “But you seem to enjoy when I carry you so I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Why do you have to be right?” I sighed, wrapping my arms around his neck. 

A playful smile graced his face, “I guess you’re not the only one who has a bright head on their shoulders.” He gently placed me down on the ground, leaning down to kiss me as he did.

“So what shall we do now?” I asked, idling tracing circles against his chest with my finger.

“What are you trying to do to me?” Erwin looked down at me, a wanton look in his eyes. I couldn’t help but feel flustered with the way he was looking at me.

“Geeez, Erwin, I didn’t know you were so easy to rile up,” I pulled my hand away from his chest and turned around to hide my blush. “I know we came out here to be alone but I didn’t think you’d be into this sort of thing.”

“I-” I heard his voice crack for a split second, “I was only joking. I wouldn’t ask for something like that now.” He moved hesitantly towards the horse. I stifled a laugh, watching him get so embarrassed after just a little pushing. “I brought a blanket and some food. I didn’t think we’d need much else.”

“That’s perfect,” I answered, joining him by his side. I reached into the saddlebag and pulled out the blanket. I spread it out down by the riverbed. Erwin joined me a moment later, carrying the food.

He sat down on the blanket, placed the food down then put his arms behind him to prop himself up. I sat down beside him and began looking through the food he brought. Meat, apples, berries. Damn, the man brought the best he could find. I leaned up against Erwin placing my hand over one of his.

“Why are you so kind to me?” Erwin asked abruptly, “Honestly when you first asked me to be with you I expected you meant in a more… sexually-focused way. I didn’t think you would care for me as you do,” he looked down at me and saw I was staring at him, perplexed. “I don’t mind, truly, I enjoy it. But I figured you weren’t trying to get too attached to me.”

“I was already attached to you by the time I approached you,” I admitted, “And I told you I wanted to live and be happy today, even if I do die tomorrow. I thought you had agreed with me.”

He hummed in agreement, “I must admit I do feel happier and more alive than I have any other year since I joined the military. But this was never something I predicted myself having.” He placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head. “Then again, one of my subordinates being bold enough to throw herself at me wasn’t something I thought would happen either.”

“I guess being with you was just worth risking my position over,” I laughed, resting my head against his shoulder. “So you’re telling me that none of the others have confessed their love to you?”

He threw his head back and let out a wholehearted laugh. “Your judgment must be clouded by your own feelings. To think I’m so desirable that women are throwing themselves at my feet.” He shifted his weight to only lean against the hand I was holding, bringing his now free hand up to my face, lifting my chin towards him. “What about you? It’s not hard to imagine men are begging for your affections. Tell me if any of the cadets try, I’ll punish them for their insubordination.”

I leaned up to kiss him, lacing my fingers through his hair and gently tugging. “Jealousy looks surprisingly good on you,” I purred, “maybe it’s because I know you have the strength to challenge any other man. Luckily for you, there are no competitors for my heart. Besides, you’ve already won that fight, you have my heart.”

“And if something were to happen to me? Would you find yourself able to move on?” he inquired.

“If you were to die before our fight was over I would simply have to keep fighting for the both of us until I reach the goal or I draw my final breath,” I grabbed Erwin’s shoulder, pulling him to lay down, “But my current plan is for us to reach our goal and then we can retire from the military and get married. If we work hard enough, we could still be young enough to even have a child.”

He gave me a dejected laugh, “Such lofty goals. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be with a man who could give you those things?”

“I don’t want those things unless I know what is outside of these walls. I have to complete my current mission before moving on to the next,” I sighed, “I thought you of all people would understand that, Erwin.”

He rolled over to face me, enveloping me in both of his arms. “I understand. I just don’t want you to be disappointed. At the current rate, it will take us years to just reclaim Wall Maria. And once we do that, who knows how long it will take to uncover the truth of the world.”

“Then so be it,” I replied calmly, “I will spend all of the years working towards that with you just the same. I don’t plan to leave your side.”

I felt him squeeze me tighter as if he didn’t want me to get away from him. I guess that he was worried I’d want to lead a different, safer life without him even though he was the one trying to convince me it would be better. He rolled over onto his back again, pulling me with him so I was laying on top of him. “I want to tell you a story, but you can’t share it with anyone else. Okay?”

“I’m not going to go spilling our secrets now,” I assured him.

“When I was a boy, my father was a history instructor,” he began, “and I asked a question to him one day, why did nobody remember what life was like before the walls. He did not answer me in class, but he did tell me his theory when we returned home. He thought that the king had altered the memories of those within the walls so they would be easier to control. I was a naive child, and I did not realize why my father did not tell that answer to the class, so I shared his theory with my classmates,” he paused for a moment, I could feel a slight hitch in his breathing as he laid beneath me, “After that my father was soon found dead, claimed to be an accident. Do you see why I cannot give up on learning the truth of these walls?”

“I understand, Erwin,” I propped myself up so I could see his face, which looked as stoic as he usually kept it but I could see the starting of tears in the corners of his eyes. I leaned down and gently kissed under each of his eyes. “I don’t expect you to give up on your mission. But you can’t expect me to give up on mine either. I want to see outside of those walls too, learn the truth. We can do it together.”

When I looked at him now, he had a dreamy expression in his eyes. “Somehow, you truly do convince me I could do anything.”

I leaned down and gave him a quick chaste kiss, “Come on now, come splash in the water with me.”

He sighed, “Do I have to?”

“You sure do,” I stood up and grabbed him by his hand, tugging him to his feet.

Without much complaining, Erwin took off his shoes and socks, rolled up the legs of his pants, and trudged into the water. I happily followed after him, splashing water up at him as I did. 

“Please, show some restraint,” Erwin complained, kicking water back up towards me.

“You act as if the water is going to bite you,” I teased, “Titans are no biggie but water is dangerous?”

“It’s uncomfortable to wear wet clothing,” he grumbled.

“Oh no, it would be such a shame if I got your clothes wet and you had to take them off,” I taunted, splashing a bigger wave towards him.

“I’m not undressing in the woods!” he protested, reaching down to slap more water back at me.

The two of us continued like that for a while longer, Erwin yelling and complaining and me teasing and joking as we splashed at each other. Once I finally got tired of playing in the water we returned to our blanket to eat. Erwin did end up taking off his shirt to dry because it was entirely soaked, I guess all the whining made it hard to dodge.


	13. Yes, Commander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Warning: Proceed with caution. This one is rougher than the last, with a bit of kinky role play.

When we made it back to HQ that night we split up where we met that morning, behind the stables. I was to go ahead, return to my quarters, grab my uniform for tomorrow, then go to Erwin’s quarters to spend the night with him.

I knocked quietly against Erwin’s door. “Who is it?” he asked, using his powerful commander voice.

“Who do you think?” I answered coldly.

I heard the door unlock and I pushed it open to find Erwin standing only in his underpants on the other side. I quickly shut and locked the door behind me. “Oh boy, I see why you locked the door and asked who it was before just letting me in. Imagine if you hadn’t and it was actually Levi who had just wandered in on you in your underwear.”

“Please, spare me the thought,” he groaned.

“Why are you in your underwear already? I thought I told you to take me this morning? And again in the woods?” I sighed dramatically, setting my uniform down on his desk, “I didn’t think men were so fickle when it came to when and where they wanted their women.”

“You just won’t stop teasing me today,” he said, walking behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “You act as if you don’t see me undressed nearly every day. I figured you were used to it by now.”

“I’ll get used to it once you stop looking like you were chiseled from stone by the hand of god,” I joked. I leaned back against his body and rubbed against him and he held tightly onto my hips in response.

“You flatter me so,” he whispered, leaning down to my ear, “but tell me now, do you wish to have me tonight?” He slid one of his hands up to my neck as he spoke, grabbing a gentle hold of it.

“Hmmm,” I hummed for a moment as if I were thinking, allowing him to idly place kisses along the side of my neck opposite his hand, “Tell me what you want to do to me first.”

“Tell you?” he murmured, “Is that it? Do you enjoy hearing the perverse thoughts in my head?” I felt him run his tongue from the base of my neck all the way to my ear, his hand tightening on my hip pulling me even tighter against him.

“I wanna see you lose your cool entirely,” I admitted, “It’s pleasurable to watch the typically calm and restrained commander turn into an uncontrollable beast, especially since it’s over me.”

“You’re cruel, you know that? But I’ll oblige,” he grumbled. “If I could have you however I pleased right now, I would bend you over this desk,” he pushed forward, making my hips hit against his desk, “I wouldn’t even waste my time to undress you, I would just lift your skirt and fuck you until you called out my name again and again.” I felt his hand trail around to my backside and squeeze it. “But since I have time to spare, I think I will undress you, so I can watch the sweat glistening on your skin.” He hooked his thumb in the hem of my skirt and jerked it down, letting the material fall and pool at my feet.

“Is that truly the most animalistic thing you have in there?” I teased, “You’ll have to impress me if you truly want me tonight.”

“You’re wicked,” he growled in my ear, now grinding his hips to my exposed ass. “Would you prefer I took you on the floor like we were dogs?” He let the hand that was previously holding my neck slide down and started undoing the buttons on my shirt with a speed that made it seem as if his life depended on it. “I could utterly dominate you and do whatever I pleased to you.”

I shrugged the shirt off my shoulders and as soon as I did he made quick work of my bra, casting it aside. “Yes, go with that option,” I purred.

“You requested this,” he chided. Without another word he was leaning over my body, putting downward pressure on me until I gave in and let my knees hit the floor. He put his hand on my shoulder then pushed me down onto all fours. I felt him grab onto my underwear and pull until they ripped at the seams rather than pulling them down.

He positioned himself right behind me, holding my hips with one hand, “This would be a good time to back down.”

I looked back at him over my shoulder, my cheeks rosy with anticipation, “Fuck me, Commander.”

His eyes widened slightly at my words then he creased his brow and had a determined look on his face. Without any hesitation he buried himself to the hilt inside me, causing me to cry out.

“Quiet, cadet!” he demanded, using his hand to push my head down so I was face down on the floor with my ass in the air. He gathered both of my wrists in his other hand, holding them behind my back.

The sound of Erwin slamming into my backside and the squelching noises that went with it echoed throughout the room, only accompanied by the sound of his labored breathing. If he was worried about someone hearing me making noise he must have considered how loud he was being by simply being so rough. But I was uninterested in stopping him.

I let my eyes roll back in my skull and deepened the arch in my back as he continued, letting the feeling of pleasure overcome me without a struggle. Whenever I felt like screaming out I just buried my face against the floor to muffle it. 

“You take orders so well,” Erwin whispered, now leaning over me as he pounded into me, “Maybe a good soldier like you deserves a promotion.” He straightened up again and took the hand he had against my head away. I felt him starting to fondle my ass with it instead, and then he laid a hard smack across it, “Or maybe you’d prefer to be punished for letting your commander have his way with you.”

When I lifted my head to speak he simply shoved it back down again, “I did not give you permission to speak.” I couldn’t help but blush, realizing how into fucking one of his subordinates he was. It almost made me laugh since he usually acted like he wanted me to pretend like he wasn’t my commander at all when we weren’t working.

I don’t know how he managed to keep going for so long but my legs began to shake after a while, my head was cloudy from the high of all the pleasure, and I was slick down nearly down to my knees. But he finally slowed to a stop, still buried deep inside me. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me up. “Tell me, cadet, are you ready for me to finish,” it was a question but he delivered it like it was a command. I nodded my head in response. “Use your words,” he snapped.

“Yes, sir,” I answered, a quiver in my voice.

“Very well,” he grabbed my hips with both of his hands and pumped into me as hard as he could a few more times before pulling out and releasing his warm seed onto my ass then giving it a nice smack.

I heard Erwin moving around behind me but I was too spent to move and see what he was doing. Then I felt a towel against my skin. “What a mess I’ve made of you tonight,” I couldn’t see him but I could hear the satisfaction in his voice, “Tell me, was that the beast you were hoping for?”

“Uh-huh,” I answered, “I don’t think I can move anymore.”

“Let me take care of you then,” Erwin replied, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek before picking me up off the floor.

“Hey, Erwin,” I called out, leaning my head against his shoulder, “Have you always fantasized about having sex with one of your subordinates?”

I felt his skin heat up against me and he cleared his throat. “No, I don’t know what came over me when I heard you call me commander while kneeling in front of me like that.”

“Mhmm,” I mumbled, “And you do know I am not a cadet anymore, correct?”

“Yes, of course,” he pressed his lips to the top of my head as he placed me down in his bed, “Perhaps a massage would help ease any soreness?”


	14. Work Quietly

“You seem to be in high spirits today, Commander,” Levi commented, irritation in his voice. I glanced over at them, trying to hide the fact that I was eavesdropping. I was glad the mess hall was unoccupied except for the three of us waiting for the cooks to finish cooking breakfast. I didn’t want anyone else to hear what I suspected to be coming next.

“Ah, I am feeling well-rested today,” Erwin replied, his calm expression unchanging.

“That’s surprising,” Levi said with a scoff, “With all that pounding and slapping and other repulsive noises I heard last night I figured you would be exhausted.”

Erwin made a puzzled face, Acting as if he had no idea what Levi was referring to. I looked down at my paperwork I was carrying, pretending to be absolutely enraptured by what it said. Levi sighed.

“Look, Commander,” Levi complained, “I already have a hard time sleeping as it is, could you at least not mentally scar me at night?”

I peaked towards the pair out the corner of my eye. I could tell by the slight twitch of Erwin’s mouth he wanted to laugh. I saw that Levi was staring at him, looking exhausted and mortified.

“I will take that into consideration,” Erwin answered flatly. At that moment I wanted to laugh too, hearing this awkward conversation. And it didn’t seem Levi was suspicious of me at all since he was only directing his complaint to the commander.

“You can’t pretend to not hear us when there’s only three of us in the room, standing within a couple of feet of each other, talking at full volume,” Levi remarked, now shifting his attention to me. Uh oh.

“Yes, but honestly I’m a bit lost in what you’re talking about,” I tilted my head slightly and smiled, doing my best to feign ignorance.

Levi sighed in exasperation. “What, are you a child? Whatever. This man is disgusting, just tell him to keep his midnight escapades down for me, maybe he’ll listen to you. It sucks to have the room next door to such a filthy pig.”

I saw Erwin’s nose crinkle slightly at the insult and I giggled. “Alright, let me try,” I told Levi, turning to Erwin, “Commander, you have to be quiet at night. I understand sometimes you have to work late but Levi is trying to rest and you disturb him if you get too noisy.”

Erwin didn’t smile but I could see a twinkle of amusement in his eyes, “Understood. I will work as quietly as possible after lights out from now on.”

“See? That wasn’t too hard to say, huh?” I grinned at Erwin then at Levi.

Levi rolled his eyes then went to grab his breakfast tray. “Work,” he scoffed.


	15. Twenty

As expected, work began to pile up again and my time with Erwin became briefer and more focused on work with each passing day. Not only were we preparing for our next expedition to set up a supply station, but we also had a set of fresh recruits join us who needed to be trained and ready before then. It was sub-optimal timing, but it was what needed to be done. The recruits would at least be freeing up more experienced soldiers from cart duty to be able to fight. But taking a new wave of recruits out for their first expedition always led to higher casualty rates.

So I spent most of my days focused on training the recruits, teaching them everything they needed to survive beyond the safety of Wall Rose. From the moment I finished breakfast until it was time for dinner, it was training time. I had to wake up earlier and go to sleep later to finish all of my duties. My night visits to Erwin came to a full stop for nearly two entire weeks for the expedition because of all the work I had to put in. In turn, my night terrors returned, keeping me from sleep even further. Who could have guessed that a man could comfort me enough to even protect me from my nightmares?

By the morning we were expected to leave for the mission, I was already exhausted. And I knew this was going to be at least a nine-hour trip this time, making everything all that more difficult. Of the recruits, I had three on my squad. They were positioned in the middle of my formation so I hoped they would be well protected if anything did go wrong. I sighed, pulling myself out of bed. The safety of my comrades was eating away at me.

Before I could even finish dressing there was a knock at my door. “Coming,” I answered tersely.

I opened the door to immediately be bombarded with hands on my shoulder and a mouth to mine. After the initial shock, I eased into him, allowing Erwin to embrace me. “Apologies, I know you were getting ready and you’re probably tired, but I really needed that,” and just as quickly as he came, he left. I sighed, knowing that the true reason he was so desperate to get a kiss in now was in case we never had the chance to again. I felt the same way, so I was glad he came to me rather than me having to find him alone later.

After gathering up all the troops on the training grounds, Erwin started one of his usual speeches. I could see the look of awe on the faces of the recruits and I realized what Mike had said to me way back when I was still only a recruit was true. I had grown accustomed to Erwin’s speeches. The words still rang true to me, and I still admired the way he spoke. But the sentiment of his words had already been ingrained in me. I had given my heart to the cause. I wasn’t going to back down, even in the face of certain death. But seeing the way the recruit’s eyes sparkled as he spoke also filled me with dread: I knew they wanted to live with valor and if they died they wanted to be hero’s death full of meaning but I knew the reality all too well. Many first-time soldiers didn’t return home, and those who do come back traumatized. More often than I like to admit, soldiers fell due to a simple mistake or a bit of negligence. And a lot of these soldiers didn’t even have a family to properly mourn them when they were gone. The deaths in the Survey Corps were often sad and lonely but necessary for progress.

As we rode out through Trost, a few townsfolk saw us off, wishing us safe travels and a quick return. It made me feel happy to see at least a few people supporting the Scouts, we worked hard and deserved support. 

As expected, the way out was quiet. I must admit I spent most of the ride wishing I was with Erwin. I missed talking to him, I couldn’t wait until we returned so I could enjoy a day off with him again.

All of the soldiers being gathered in one spot as we set up the outpost caused the titans to stir, as we thought. Luckily, we were prepared. The recruits were left in charge of handling the supplies while everyone else was tasked with defending them. We were near the heart of titan territory at this point so we had to stay on our toes. 

A red flare to the east, not an issue, I knew Levi was that way so it would be handled. A red flare from the west, Hange and Mike could handle that no sweat. And then from the south, Erwin had that one covered. I expected it would be my turn any second. And right I was, I saw a group of three titans approaching from the north, two 5-meters and a 10-meter. I signaled for three of my squadmates to shoot off their flares then we shot into action. 

“I’ll take the 10-meter, you guys handle the little guys. I recommend keeping them distracted, but also keep your distance, while one goes for the kill. The little ones have short arms so they shouldn’t be able to swat you out of the sky so easily,” I commanded, “If you’re having trouble I will come help as soon as I take out my target, don’t die out there.”

I used my ODM gear to fly past the titan, making it get distracted and turn away from the outpost. Once it was focused on me I went back to the other side of it, as quickly as I could, and sliced out its nape. I sighed and checked the sharpness of my blades, still good to go. I wasn’t top of my class for no reason. I looked at my two groups, seeing how the titans were being handled. Both of the little ones were already taken down, nice.

At this point, I saw a 15-meter approaching slowly from the north. I turned towards my squadmates, “I’ve got this one, retreat closer to the outpost to defend from any titans that may slip by.” I fired off a red flare, signaling another titan, I looked to the sky to see red smoke in every direction, great I guess the titans were probably following us the whole way and caught up when we finally stopped. It didn’t matter right now, I had to take down the titan in front of me.

Flying past the titan's head I couldn’t help but giggle a little, imagining that I must sound like a pesky fly zipping by its head. Once I was behind it I connected my anchors into its head and with one quick spin while flying past, the beast was slain. I made my way back to my squad which was luckily still in one piece. The outpost was ready, it was time to return. 

Our formation returned in the opposite position that we left in, with my supply squad in the front and Erwin’s in the back. The path back only had a couple of 5-meter titans, which I easily took down on my own. At no point did I see any red smoke from any of the other squads.

We returned to Trost just after sundown. I felt lucky that my report was going to be short and sweet this time around and I didn’t have to write any death reports. I hoped that the same could be said of all the other squads too but I wouldn’t know until we were all settled in. So I elected to send my squad off to bed as soon as we returned our cart and horse so I could assist the other teams.

By the time we were all finished, I had counted a total of sixteen bodies, all of which were from the group of recruits. My hands were trembling, I suddenly didn’t feel so relieved to have any casualties in my squad. This was nowhere near as bad as the massacre of my first ever expedition, but this was definitely worse than the last. I knew Erwin was probably reeling over this just as he was last time. If there was ever a time to be there for him, it would be now.

I rushed to his quarters as soon as I made sure everyone was all set for the night. I knocked, as I always did, and waited for him to beckon me inside.

After a moment I heard a quiet, dejected, “Come in.” So I did, and I locked the door behind me.

Erwin was sitting in his chair, with his body completely relaxed, simply staring up at the ceiling. For the first time in months, I felt like I was seeing a side of him I shouldn’t have. He didn’t move or even attempt to speak, just stared.

I sat in the seat across from him. After letting him sit for a bit longer I cautiously asked, “Are you alright?”

“From four to twenty in a single day,” he said plainly, I couldn’t track a single emotion in his voice but I knew exactly what he was talking about. He was counting each soldier who died under him as commander.

“Each and every one of those soldiers knew exactly what they were signing up for,” I reassured him, “and their deaths will not be in vain as long as the rest of us keep fighting. You know this, you’re the one who taught me.”

“Yes,” he agreed, “but the death that is caused by my command will still weigh heavy on me. I guess it is simply a burden I must bear now.”

“That is understandable. But please remember to not let that weight crush you, for you are only doing what has to be done for humanity,” I encouraged, “None of their deaths will be in vain.”

Erwin sighed, letting his head fall forward before finally sitting up straight. “Knowing that at least you don’t view me as any sort of villain helps me feel a bit better.” His smile towards me was small and gentle, but sincere. “Ah, before I dismiss you for the evening I do have one more thing I needed to discuss with you,” I looked at him expectantly as he spoke, “Before today’s mission, Commander Zackly had suggested I choose you to be a Captain, an advisor for me if you will since I always sang high praise of you and you always returned excellent results, even in your training days. I was hesitant. Even though it wasn’t my idea, I didn’t want it to ever seem like you were getting promotions because of nepotism if our relationship ever did come to light. So I told him I would put you in the lead of our return today and if things went well, I would give you that promotion, as long as you wanted it. So?”

I stared at him blankly. This man truly did get straight to business, upset over his losses one second offering me a promotion the next. “Are you certain I’ve proved myself?” I asked.

“I spoke with your squadmates as well. They told me how well you did today, how in control you were. If the recruits said they felt safe under your command,” he smiled gently at me, “Would you like to be my advisor, Captain?”

I laughed. The way he called me captain to try and convince me I should agree was hilarious to me as if that would truly sway my decision. “I’ll be your advisor, Commander,” I answered.

“Wonderful, I’ll send that paperwork in with the rest of my paperwork after our days off,” he stood from his desk and walked towards me. “You are dismissed,” he said, immediately grabbing me and throwing me over his shoulder. “Shall we finally get some rest?”

“Please, I’m exhausted,” I answered honestly.


	16. Three Words

I woke in the morning feeling rested for the first time in weeks. I lifted my head from Erwin’s chest to see he was already awake, watching my every movement. “Good morning,” I grumbled.

“Good morning,” Erwin said with a slight smile before leaning over to kiss my forehead. He lifted me so I was lying entirely on top of him. “I figured you would enjoy a lazy day in bed, so I didn’t bother waking you.”

“Yeah, I really wouldn’t mind spending some time in bed with you,” I sat up, cupping his face in both of my hands, “I get to look at that beautiful face of yours while we’re here so that’s a win on its own.”

“What is your obsession with my appearance? I have never heard a woman praise me so,” he reached up towards me, taking strands of my hair between his fingers and playing with it idly.

“Please, your rank isn’t the only reason you leave recruits trembling in their boots,” I teased, “Your attractiveness is intimidating.”

He let out one sharp laugh, “You’re simply making things up at this point.”

“I wouldn’t know actually,” I shrugged, “before I was a squad leader I was the only woman on your squad. And once I was promoted I don’t think people were about to start gossiping about which of our superiors were hot with me. And if anyone did tell me they found you attractive, they would be in hot water.” I took his face in my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, “Because you are only mine. Right, Commander?”

“Of course, Captain,” he answered, giving me a big squeeze. 

“Hey Erwin,” I rolled from on top of him so I was laying beside him again. “How long have we been doing this whole relationship thing?”

“About six months now, if I remember correctly,” he answered.

“Are you happy about our relationship?” I inquired.

He laughed, turning to face me, “I love you, my dear, please trust that I am happy with our relationship.”

“Oh wow, you just came out and said it,” I giggled nervously, “Alright my turn, my turn. Erwin, I love you.”

“I know,” he replied smugly.

“I’m wounded,” I held my hand over my heart, dramatically, “He wasn’t excited to hear me announce my love to him in the slightest.”

“What sort of response were you hoping for?” Erwin asked, “I already said it first. And it’s not new information to me, there was no surprise. You show me your love every day.”

“But I just outright said it for the first time,” I complained.

“Thank you,” he said, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead, “Your love has been nothing but wonderful since the moment I received it. I hope you continue to share it with me for a long time.”


	17. Trost

As he requested, I continued to share my love with Erwin, and the next four years went by as smoothly as life as a part of the Survey Corps could. We managed to set up each of the outposts we needed, all the way to Shiganshina. There were losses, and each night there was Erwin would give me his updated death count. He was currently at 172. I was starting to worry at what number he would finally break. Our relationship was still under wraps as well, another positive aspect of being his strategic advisor was nobody questioned the long hours I spent in his office or when I walked alongside him every day.

On this particular day, I was training with those who were too injured to go out with the group that left in the morning. I was just going over battle formations when I heard a commotion break loose outside. “Geez, what the hell is going on out there,” looked outside the window of the training room. Immediately I saw smoke and titans running down the streets of Trost. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” I turned to the soldiers in my class, “As quickly as you can, gear up, we have some issues.”

“Captain, what’s going on?” somebody asked.

“Hell if I know, I’m not psychic. I just know that I’m the only one here in charge of you guys so please just listen to me,” I started shooing the cadets from the room, “All who can need to equip your ODM gear then make your way to Wall Rose until I can get a better read of the situation I need you all to do your best to stay alive and keep the citizens of Trost alive. Anybody who is too injured to get themself to the wall, go with someone else. I will meet you there. If you are given orders from a Captain or Commander of any other regiment, follow the order. This is an emergency. Do not forget we are working for the good of mankind. Do not hesitate. Do not lose face. Give up your hearts to the cause, or whatever Commander Erwin would say.”

As soon as I got my ODM gear on I made my way to the top of the wall. I figured that if there was anyone who knew what was happening, I would find them up there. I may even find Commander Pixis if I had any luck, but I wasn’t counting on it. 

I grabbed the first Garrison soldier I saw and spun them to face me. “Tell me the situation now,” I demanded.

“Ah, Captain,” they looked at me nervously, like I would bite them or something, “The Colossal Titan appeared again and kicked in the gate.”

“Get me whoever has some authority, I need to talk to them, quick,” I commanded.

“Yes, Captain,” the soldier turned away for a second then called out, “Rico, come here the Captain wants to talk.”

A small blonde woman walked up to me briskly, obviously confused and in a rush, “Yes, Captain?”

“The only Survey Corps members currently within the walls are the ones that are injured, I’m leaving them under your command but please don’t throw them to their demise. Most of them aren’t in a condition to fight, but they can still be of use,” I saluted her, “I’m going to go down and help keep the evacuation route clear.”

The fight to help save those in Trost was exhausting, it seemed almost never-ending. But I knew that I had to do everything I could to keep titans away from the gate leading to the rest of Wall Rose. If the entirety of Wall Rose was compromised not only would most of humanity starve, we’ll be pushed even further away from our goals of seeing outside the walls. I couldn’t let that happen so I had to kill every titan that came anywhere near the gate.

As one would expect, I eventually started to run low on gas in my ODM gear. I started making my way back towards the wall so I could get a refill. Before I could make it far, I heard my gear sputter, then come to halt. “Shit, I shouldn’t be out already,” as I was falling from the sky I looked back and slapped my ODM gear and it stirred back to life right before I hit the ground. When I returned my gaze in front of me, my eyes widened in shock. A titan was reaching for my wire, was this the end? Shit, it couldn’t be, I couldn’t die the one time Erwin left me alone. But it was too late, there was nothing I could do. The titan grabbed the wire, causing me to fly uncontrollably, skating parallel to the ground for a moment before I felt my body slam against something hard and everything went black.


	18. We Must Fight

I awoke with a start, immediately trying to sit up. I screamed out in agony, feeling like someone had just stabbed me in my side when I tried to move. Black spots clouded my vision and I fell back down. When my eyes cleared I saw that I wasn’t on the streets of Trost anymore, but in a pristine room instead, I could recognize it as a typical hospital room. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw a nurse rush into the room, looking worried out of her mind. “Captain, are you awake? You can’t just jerk around like that, you’re hurt.”

“Where am I?” I asked, hearing my hoarse voice.

“You’re in a hospital in the capital,” she answered.

“In the capital? And what about Trost?” I feared the worst. I needed to know if everything I had spent the last few years of my life towards had been taken away.

“The district was reclaimed,” she answered, “You should rest still, don’t move. I’m going to send for Commander Erwin if that’s okay with you. He asked to see you as you awoke.”

“Please get him,” I answered, letting my body relax. The most important questions had been answered: Wall Rose was no longer compromised and Erwin was still okay, now I could think clearly.

I don’t know how long I laid there, my sense of time was entirely skewed. I sat up, slowly this time, and there was only a dull pain. I looked down at my body and saw my entire chest was bandaged, which is probably why I felt like I was getting stabbed. My left arm was in a sling but I could move my fingers so I figured it couldn’t be too bad. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. I saw my uniform neatly folded on the bedside table so I took off my hospital gown and started changing. When I slid the sling from my arm to put on my shirt I tried to not move too much, I didn’t wanna make things worse than they already were.

I heard the door open and immediately heard a disgruntled sigh, “Could you please just rest?”

I looked over at Erwin, who was now right in front of me, trying to help me dress. “You know I can’t do that. Can you update me on what happened?” I asked.

He grumbled, helping me replace my sling. “Well first off, you were saved by the skin of your teeth. A group of training cadets happened to see you go down and were able to get to you before the titan,” Erwin looked at me, an irate expression in his eyes, “Maybe if you weren’t fighting all on your own like an idiot, you wouldn’t have needed saving.”

“I was the only scout who was able to fight, meaning I was one of the few with experience, I needed to take down as many titans as I could,” I answered resolutely, “I have given my heart to humanity, I took down at least 15 on my own and gave my all, what else could you ask for?

He didn’t respond, just stared at me with the same angry expression for a second. “Anyway, we can go over the rest later, it gets complicated. You fractured three of your ribs and dislocated your shoulder. You had a bad concussion and you’ve been out for six days. Are you ready to go to our new HQ?”

“Six days?” I asked in shock. I figured I had been out for an entire night, but not multiple days.

Erwin scowled at me over his shoulder as he walked away. “Yes, now hurry, we don’t have any more time to waste.”

“More time to waste?” I scoffed while following him out, “I’m sorry for wasting time by being in the hospital.”

“You know that wasn’t what I meant,” he sounded slightly apologetic, “But our situation has drastically changed and I need your help. Unfortunately, we truly don’t have the time for you to be out of commission.”

“Can you tell me what happened now?” I asked, impatient.

“Here, get on the horse,” Erwin offered me his hand and helped me get on his horse then he climbed on behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist to reach the reins. “It’ll be easier and safer to explain at HQ.”

“Isn’t this a bit of a, I don’t know, intimate way to ride,” I asked, looking around to see if anyone saw us together in such a compromising way.

“You only have one good arm right now and we’re going to be moving fast, I can’t have you falling off,” he kicked into the stirrups and the horse took off, “I’m sure nobody will find any suspicion in that.”

His coldness was beginning to bother me but if I knew anything about this man he's just acting this way because he got scared and doesn't know how else to act. I sighed, I knew how to fix this. “Erwin, I’m sorry to have worried you,” I whispered.

“You did what you had to,” he said it but I knew that didn’t mean he was actually okay.

“Then can you stop being so annoyed and frigid towards me? I didn’t intentionally get hurt,” I whined.

“I know that,” I felt him slump against me as we rode away as fast as we could, “I was just worried that you were never going to wake up again.”

“Then why don’t you seem relieved?” I asked.

Erwin was silent for a moment then he sighed. “I feel selfish, so many of my soldiers have fallen over the years. But never have I felt so bothered by it as I did when we returned and I was told you had been hurt,” I heard his voice hitch, “I should feel that gut-wrenching pain anytime one of my soldiers fall. And I thought I did feel guilt and regret after each loss, I thought I grieved for each one of my soldiers equally and that gave me some sort of solace. I thought since I valued their lives and the losses sat heavily on my shoulders that they would forgive me in the end. But the fear and grief that I felt seeing you hurt trumped the way I felt for the others. And I realized I’m a monster, leading those who trust me to their death.”

“You’re not a monster, you’re just emotionally inept, I could have told you that,” I was trying to make light of the situation, hoping it would make him feel better, “We all have people we feel losses for more greatly than others. It’s unavoidable. I feel terrible for every soldier who’s died under my command, their deaths sit heavy on my chest, but I know they were losses that were simply a part of reaching our goal, for the best of humanity. I feel saddened by all the losses had in Trost, but those deaths do not torment me like those of my comrades. And if I were to ever lose you it would be devastating, worse than any loss I’ve ever had before. But what makes us strong people, and you an excellent commander, is our persistence and ability to keep going forward and honoring those lost.” I used my right hand to grab ahold of his, “The risks you’re willing to take is what is ultimately helping us grow closer to reclaiming Wall Maria. If you were more concerned with keeping blood off your hands then all of humanity would stay stuck within the confines of the walls until they were all knocked down. You’re risking your own sense of morality, letting the weight fall on your chest for the sake of humanity, and I think that’s selfless of you.”

“All for the sake of humanity, huh?” he repeated, sounding dejected, “Thank you for that. You’ve helped me see clearer. Just because I care deeply for you doesn’t lessen how I feel about others. But I still can’t be certain I’m not throwing away lives for nothing until we reach our goal.”

“Then we just have to keep fighting,” I said with a shrug.

“Yes, we must fight, with everything we’ve got,” Erwin agreed, placing a kiss on the top of my head.


	19. Suspicions

As we approached the new headquarter a flash of bright yellow lightning struck down ahead of us. I stared in utter confusion.

“Erwin, it’s not storming but I just saw lightning. What the hell was that?” I questioned.

“That,” he paused, “was our change in circumstances. Let’s hurry.” Without any further explanation, he urged his horse to run faster and we went barreling towards where the lightning struck.

When we arrived, all that was happening was Levi, his squad, Hange, and Moblit standing around looking worked up. Erwin and I hopped off the horse and approached. That’s when I realized there was a kid I didn’t recognize kneeling on the ground next to Levi’s feet, looking like an utter wreck. Was this kid our change? Did he know how to control lightning or something? I didn’t really know how that’d help against titans so I doubt that was the case.

“You just missed the show, guys,” Levi joked, patting the kid on his head.

Erwin rolled his eyes, “Just tell me what happened.”

“We pushed the kid too hard today,” Levi shrugged, “He ended up partially transforming while trying to pick his spoon off the ground.” At this point, the kid was looking up at us but remained silent.

“Could you see to writing a report on the incident? I’d like to go over this information, perhaps it will help us uncover something,” Erwin put his hand to his chin and stared pensively at the kid. 

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?” I asked plainly.

“I’m glad to see you amongst the living again,” Levi flashed me a slight smile, “I figured Erwin would catch you up on the way here.”

“We were busy discussing other things,” I replied, causing Levi to raise an eyebrow at me. I raised both of my eyebrows in return and he let out a small laugh.

“This is Eren Yeager,” Hange said, gesturing to the boy, “He can transform into a titan that he can consciously control… sometimes.” They let out a small giggle at the end of their sentence. “We’re still ironing out the details.”

I took a moment to think of what exactly this meant, for our mission, for humanity, and for the things that have happened in the past. I turned to Erwin who was looking at me, I gave him a knowing look and he made one in return. “I see why you waited until we arrived to tell me this.” I turned my attention to the boy, who was staring at me looking somewhat sad. I approached him and stuck my hand out to him, “Pleasure to meet you Eren, and welcome to the Survey Corps.” He reached up and placed his hand in mine gingerly and I gave it a nice squeeze and shook it, “I hope we work well together.”

“There is still more we need to discuss,” Erwin stated, “Let’s get going.”

“Okay, Erwin,” I flashed a quick smile at Eren, “Talk to later kid! Let me know if you ever need anything.” Then I followed Erwin, who helped me onto his horse again and got on behind me, riding off to the main building.

Once we made it to his room we went over everything that happened over the last couple of days. When I heard how the gate to Trost I felt an urge to throw up, knowing that path we worked so hard to forge was deemed essentially useless. No wonder Erwin was so caught up in his soldiers dying for nothing, he probably hated that we worked so hard just to have the gate kicked in and make it all amount to nothing. Well, not nothing, it got us where we are but it’s hard to say it was worth the cost. He told me how they had captured two titans for Hange to study but they were mysteriously killed in the night. They checked the ODM gear but found no evidence of who it could have been.

“Erwin, tell me, are we thinking the same thing?” I leaned forward, putting my elbow on his desk, and looked at him seriously.

“I believe so,” Erwin returned my serious gaze and I smiled.

“So,” I leaned back in my seat, “I suspect those we are looking for will be amongst those in the 104th.”

“As do I,” Erwin agreed, “But we cannot be certain just yet. At this point, we can only truly trust those who have been here since before the fall of Shiganshina.”

I nodded in agreement, “Though that will make things a little messy when trying to explain orders when the time comes.”

“We don’t have to explain,” he responded, “If my suspicions are correct if we take a reconnaissance mission to Shiganshina the traitors will become obvious. My wager is they will come after Eren.”

“And that will be the underlying reason for the mission that we don’t share with those who don’t need to know, correct?” I asked, “Perhaps we can even begin to pinpoint any co-conspirators if we conceal the position of Eren among our ranks.”

“Yes, that may work,” Erwin let out a small laugh, “I truly do love that magnificent brain of yours.”

“You choose now to flirt?” I laughed, then winced as pain permeates through my chest.

I watched as Erwin’s face shifted into concern. “We still have time to work out the specifics. Tomorrow is the day the 104th chooses which regiment they will join. We should rest now, while we have the chance.”

Under normal circumstances, I would have argued I was okay just for the sake of it but the feeling of exhaustion had truly been washing over me in waves since the moment I left the hospital. So I just nodded in agreement instead and crawled into Erwin’s bed.


	20. Exposed

I woke up feeling extremely sluggish like someone had just punched me in my head. I sat up and sighed, I guess the aftermath of my concussion was catching up was going to be harder to shake than I thought. I looked to my side and realized Erwin was nowhere in sight. Then I looked out the window and saw the sun was already at its peak in the sky. Did my body really allow me to sleep for so long? And I didn’t get woken up by Erwin getting out of bed? Not a single dream, nightmare, or otherwise. I grumbled, annoyed that I was obviously still suffering from my injuries. But as long as my condition didn’t get worse I could manage at least.

After getting dressed I made my way to look for Erwin so we could discuss what our next course of action was. Instead, I found Levi and Eren. I figured if anyone knew where Erwin was, it would be Levi so I stopped to ask.

“Hey guys,” I waved to both of them as I walked into the room, “Levi, where’s Erwin?”

“Dunno,” he said, lifting his cup of tea to his mouth.

“Hi!” Eren looked at me excitedly, then suddenly switched to looking timider, “I didn’t know that Commander Erwin had a wife, I thought he was the type who would be married to his work.”

I was so shocked to hear him say that I thought I was going to pass out. Why did he think Erwin had a wife? Why did he say that so suddenly? Did he say it because he saw us or heard us together and thought it was just common knowledge we were together? “Huh?” I giggled awkwardly, deciding to play coy entirely, “He has a wife? I honestly thought he was into men!”

“HUH?” Eren asked back even louder, turning an obvious shade of red, “Captain Levi! Why would you tell me that she was his wife?”

“I thought it would be fun and everyone else just went along with it,” he said with a shrug, “It’s her fault for not properly introducing herself.”

“Levi, you’re a menace,” I said with a huff. Then I turned back to Eren and properly introduced myself, giving him my name and ranking.

Eren stared at me in silence for a moment, obviously contemplating saying something. “So, is the Commander really into men then?” he blurted out. I almost felt bad for saying that to this obviously gullible kid. 

“I’m gonna let you in on a secret Eren,” I leaned down to his ear and covered my mouth so Levi couldn’t see. Then I whispered, “I don’t know how many times I’ve caught Erwin and Levi making out. In the mess hall, in Erwin’s office, I even saw them kissing while riding a horse together once. Levi must have been jealous he gave me a ride back from the hospital so he made up a story. Just make sure not to mention this to Levi, he gets so embarrassed about it he’ll punish you for mentioning it.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying to the kid but you’re making him turn red, stop before you make him accidentally transform or something,” Levi sighed, “Kid, go step outside and get some air. And be a gentleman and bring her back some food, don’t you see she’s injured?” 

“Yes sir,” Eren stood up then regarded me, “Is there anything in particular you want?”

“I’ll eat whatever but if there’s any coffee please bring me a cup,” I smiled gently at him, “Thank you.” Now I really did feel bad for lying to the kid.

I sat across the table from Levi and he didn’t say a word, just stared daggers into me until Eren was completely gone. I had grown accustomed to his death stare so I just stared back until he stopped.

Eventually, he cleared his throat then smirked at me, “So, how long exactly have you been with Erwin?”

I tilted my head to the side, feigning confusion. “What the hell are you talking about? I thought you said that stuff to Eren because you thought it was funny not because you thought it was true.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, your little lover boy was the one who told me,” Levi took a sip of his tea before continuing, “Yeah, this morning I told him I had gone to your room to look for you and you had left the door unlocked and were nowhere to be found. I even said it looked like your bed hadn’t been slept in at all. And you know what his dumbass said back?” he looked as if he was going to laugh, “He said, ‘Oh, she’s still in bed. She wouldn’t wake up even when I tried to wake her. I think she needs more time to recover, let her rest.’ How could you have still been in bed when I just told him you weren’t in your bed in the first place? After I pointed out that you couldn’t be in bed since I looked for you unless you were in his bed he just glared at me then told me to keep quiet. What an idiot.”

I sighed and hung my head. After all these years he was going to slip on something like that? I guess Erwin must really have too much on his mind right now. 

“Yeah, if I knew yesterday I wouldn’t have even joked about it with the kid,” I looked up at him and saw that he had a softer look on his face now, staring down into his tea, “Even though Erwin can be a prick I don’t want anything bad to happen to either of you.” Damn, now he was making me feel bad for telling Eren he had a thing with the commander.

“It’s been nearly five years now,” I decided to answer his original question, “One night after drinking I basically threw myself at him. Of course, he turned that down and told me to talk to him when I was sober. So I did just that, well after I spent a day avoiding him, and I told him I wanted to be with him even though we might die anytime.” I could feel myself starting to blush, recounting the story of how I asked out Erwin for the first time was so odd and heartwarming.

“So those horrendous noises were your fault I assume,” Levi had returned to drinking his tea and looking as sullen as usual, “And you dared to look at me and act like you never even had an impure thought in your life when I told you to tell him to be quiet. Disgusting.”

I felt like something in me died when he brought up that morning nearly 4 years ago. If I could have crawled out of my skin and disappeared I would have. “I wish Eren would hurry up so we could stop having this conversation,” I muttered, letting my head hang again.

As if he were waiting for me to say that, Eren walked into the room. “Hey, I got you some bread and warmed up some soup, I hope that’s alright,” he placed the food down in front of me then sat next to me.

“Thank you Eren, I appreciate your help,” I smiled at him, “I’m assuming the coffee was a no go? That’s a shame, I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“Actually there was coffee,” Eren said, “but I ran into Commander Erwin and he said he’d finish making it for you and bring it up since he was looking for you anyway.”

“Oh, that’s perfect, thank you,” I turned to Levi and smiled at him, “Look at what a sweet kid he is, don’t hurt him too bad, alright?”

“I won’t hurt him at all as long as he does what he’s supposed to,” Levi responded without bothering to even glance at either of us.

After a couple of minutes, Erwin walked in holding a cup of coffee and placed it down in front of me. “I was looking for you but since you’re here could you keep an eye on Eren while I speak with Levi instead?”

“Of course, sir,” I answered without looking up at him, “I’ll come directly to your office once Levi returns then, okay?”

“Perfect,” Erwin answered, waving for Levi to follow him out of the room.

I waited until I was sure they were out of earshot then turned to Eren, “See? What did I tell you?”

“I never would have guessed…” he said, staring wide-eyed at the table.

Like I promised, I stayed with Eren until Levi returned then headed straight to Erwin’s room. When I arrived he was sitting at his desk, hunched over a pile of papers.

“What did you want to see me for, sir?” I asked when I walked into the room, shutting the door behind me.

“Lock it too,” he said without even looking up, “I just needed to check in with you and make sure you were alright. You were damn near unresponsive when I tried to wake you up this morning.”

“I’m fine, just really tired,” I answered honestly.

“You should get more rest,” he still hadn’t looked at me.

“I have work to do,” I replied.

He sighed. “What work do you have to do today?” he finally looked up, an expectant look on his face, “Your usual duties have already been taken care of by someone else. Do you need to write a report? About what? Having a concussion?”

“Geez, I guess if you’re gonna be a jerk about it I’ll rest,” I made my way across the room to his bed, sitting down, “but you know I have a hard time falling asleep without you.”

“Alright then,” he straightened the papers he was looking at then picked up, along with his pen. Without a word he kicked off his boots then got into the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard. “Come lay down now.”

“Won’t it be hard to work like that?”

“Not particularly,” he answered, already returning to reading over the paper he held, “I’m just going over reports. I used to read in bed all the time as a child and I can still do it as an adult. Now come lay down.”

I sighed and pulled off my boots and jacket. Then I curled up next to Erwin, placing my head on his lap. He placed his spare hand on my head and gently stroked my hair. Sleep came over so fast I didn’t even notice when my eyes closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've written a 20 chapter fanfic in a matter of 3 days. My google doc is 60 pages long x.x Welp, hi to anyone who read this far hope you stick around until the end


	21. The 104th

Erwin woke me up before we had to head out to get the recruits from the 104th. I still felt like I was in a daze but I still got up and straightened myself out in the mirror. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I cautiously moved my left arm out of its sling then reached straight up. It felt weird but there was no pain so I took off my sling entirely and placed it on the dresser.

“What are you doing?” I heard Erwin ask from behind me. I shifted slightly so I could see his reflection in the mirror, sitting on the edge of the bed and glaring at me.

“Calm down, it was just dislocated not shattered,” I turned around and moved my arm to demonstrate, “I’m fine without the sling as long as I don’t do anything too strenuous.”

“And how are your ribs?” he inquired.

“They don’t really hurt, only when I put pressure on them or laugh and cough,” I explained, “and before you even ask, my head doesn’t hurt either. I’m just extra tired but that’ll go away.”

“I see,” he nodded as he stood up, “Well that means you’ll have no problems returning to work tomorrow, correct? We need to start teaching the Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation to the recruits as soon as possible, it will be vital to our upcoming mission.”

“Of course, I can’t wait to get my hands on those recruits,” I clapped my hands together and smiled at him.

Erwin put his hand on top of my head and patted. “Seeing you get new people to train is something similar to seeing Hange with a new titan to experiment on. You don’t torture the recruits, correct?” he asked with a slight smile on his face.

“Of course I don’t torture them,” I assured him, “But I do enjoy the recruits because they’re more gung-ho than anyone who’s already been out on a mission usually. They’re eager to please. And usually, they’re pretty fun to be around. I try to help them prepare for the hell that they will experience but they usually don’t fully understand until they do experience it. After that, they’re never the same so it’s enjoyable to spend those fleeting moments of inexperience with them.”

He didn’t seem to have anything to say after that, we just walked in silence until we met with the others who would be going with us. Then we each got on our horse and headed out to greet the 104th.

I watched as Erwin took his place on stage in front of the cadets. I looked out to the crowd to see the mix of nervous faces as well as those who seemed entirely uninterested, I had a good idea who was going to join already.

“Good evening. I am Erwin Smith, commander of the Survey Corps, also known as the Scouts Regiment,” he started his speech, “Today, you will choose your regiment. Let’s cut to the chase here: the Scouts need you. We need all the warm bodies we can get. After the recent titan attack,” he continued, “you now know first hand the horrors of which they are capable as well as the limits of your own skill. However, this battle’s aftermath gave humanity a new chance for victory. I refer to Eren Yaeger,” I listened intently now, knowing he was intentionally bringing up Eren as bait, “After selflessly risking life and limb, he has proven beyond a doubt his unwavering loyalty to our cause. Hope lives in him. Eren didn’t just help deter the titan invasion, he offered us a means to discern the truth of their origin.” I watched as the recruits in the crowd gasped, I knew those he was trying to bait were hooked now. “Intel suggests that the cellar of Yaeger’s home in Shiganshina holds a vital secret regarding our enemy. We will form an expedition to find this secret. Find it and use it to break free from the titan’s tyrannical hundred-year reign once and for all.” 

He paused for a moment, looking around the cadets in front of him. “Before we can reach the aforementioned cellar in Shiganshina,” he continued, “another problem must be dealt with. We must retake Wall Maria. Of course, this is much easier said than done.” He stepped slightly to the side and turned to face the map that was being brought out, “Now that the gate at Trost has been rendered inaccessible, we’ll be forced to stage future operations from the Karanes District further east. Thus the battalion route we spent the last 4 years establishing is now completely useless to us,” he turned back to face the crowd, “Over the course of those 4 years we’ve incurred losses in excess of over 60%,” I sighed hearing this, here comes the part that makes everyone leave but it is necessary, “60% in four years. That’s a horrifying figure. One month from now, we will conduct a recon mission outside the walls. Recruits from among your ranks will be expected to take part. I estimate a third of them will die, after four years most will be dead. But those who endure will be amongst the most capable soldiers alive,” he paused again, allowing the cadets a moment to consider everything he said thus far. “Now, having heard this dismal state of affairs, whoever still wishes to put their life on the line and join us remain here. But first, ask yourself, can you give your hearts? Can you give everything for humanity?”

The crowd seemed shaken, which is exactly what Erwin wanted. He only needed the soldiers who were truly capable of laying their lives on the line if that’s what it came down to. I was also sure he had gotten the attention of those in the 104th who may be traitors. I just hoped that more than five people joined cause we really did need the numbers.

“That is all,” Erwin spoke, “Those wanting to join other regiments are dismissed.”

Darius stepped forward. “Commander, I think you may have overly intimidated the cadets, sir. None of them are gonna stick around.”

I watched as the cadets began to clear out, leaving only those who were interested in joining. It looked like an exodus, I almost wanted to laugh at how they were so eager to get away. Those who weren’t moving to leave looked tormented, as if someone was forcing them to stay.

“I ask you,” Erwin began once everyone stopped moving, “if you were ordered to die, could you do it?”

“We don’t want to die, sir!” a cadet shouted back.

Erwin smiled slightly, “Of course. Let us hope that you don’t then. Those who stayed, you are now one of us. Allow me to welcome you to the Scout Regiment. This is a genuine salute, soldiers. Together we give our hearts!” He stood straight and saluted to the crowd and they saluted back. I watched the recruits, a few were crying while others looked distraught. No more than twenty people were standing before us.

“Those of you standing here have worked through your fear, you have proven yourself courageous,” Erwin looked down at them with praise in his voice, “Each one of you has my respect.”

I joined Erwin as he walked off the stage, walking by his side. I covertly grazed my hand against his to make him turn his attention to me. “Your speech was phenomenal, I think you got exactly what we needed,” I praised.

“Yes,” he pursed his lips for a moment, “but I believe Darius may have been correct. Some of them are already crying.”

“I don’t think that’s your fault,” I reassured him, “They seemed to be pretty worked up before you even started. I think they’re just working with their fears like you said.”

He hummed in agreement then sighed. “Nonetheless, we have to begin their training quickly. They'll be with Ness in the morning tomorrow so I expect you to meet with me then to discuss how they will be taught the formation in the afternoon.”

The way he said he expected me to meet with him in the morning made me want to laugh as if I wouldn’t be with him in the morning anyway. “Yes, sir,” I looked over my shoulder at the recruits, “Can I go play with them now.”

Erwin let his shoulder relax for a moment and let out a small laugh. “Yes, you can ride back with them. Don’t scare them any more than they already are though,” he shooed me with his hand, “I’ll take care of your horse.”

I briskly walked over to the cadets and corralled them around, “Hey, we’re gonna take you guys to HQ now. Once we’re back we’re straight to lights out so let’s get going.” I looked over my shoulder at them as I led them to the carts, “I hope you guys are in a talking mood because I’m going to be bothering you the whole way back.”

I sat in the cart amongst one-half of the recruits, they looked shaken and some of them had puffy eyes from crying. I hoped I could cheer them up at least a little bit by chatting with them.

“I was told that someone amongst your ranks saved my life during the attack on Trost,” I looked around at the kids to see how they were reacting, “I was unconscious so I have no idea who it was though and I’d like to thank them. Would any of you happen to know who it was?”

“It was Krista,” the tall, slender girl said pointing to the petite blonde next to her.

“Actually, it was her,” Krista argued, “I just saw you get hurt and when I said something, Ymir went down there and grabbed you.”

“Ymir, Krista,” I bowed my head to them both, “Thank you both very much, I wouldn’t be here without you guys.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Ymir huffed. Krista just sat beside her, blushing.

“Okay, now I need to learn the rest of your names, go around starting with you,” I pointed to the boy on the other side of Ymir.

“I’m Jean Kirstein,” he answered.

“I’m Sasha Blouse,” said the girl next to him, pulling a bread roll from her jacket. I’d have to keep my eye on this one.

“Connie Springer,” said the next. I couldn’t believe it was finally a guy smaller than Levi.

“I’m Bertolt Hoover.”

“Reiner Braun.”

“I’m Armin Arlert, nice to meet you,” introduced the small blonde boy.

“Mikasa Ackerman,” said the girl next to me, barely above a whisper.

“Well,” I took a deep breath, “Ymir, Krista, Jean, Sasha, Connie, Bertolt, Reiner, Armin, Mikasa, a pleasure to meet each and every one of you. Wooo, that was a mouthful,” I laughed.

“I’m sure you'll change your mind about that later, once you get to know Connie a bit more you’ll realize he’s a nuisance,” Ymir antagonized without even bothering to look at who she was insulting.

“Shut up, Ymir,” Connie remarked listlessly, “I’m too tired to take your crap today.”

“Have you seen Eren?” Mikasa peeped. Suddenly I realized all the attention had turned to me again.

“Mikasa, you can’t just ask that,” Armin protested.

“Why can’t she ask? It’s not as if it’s a secret we have him. And if it were, I would simply lie to her,” I smiled, “I have seen Eren. He seems to be doing just fine.”

“Has shorty done anything to him?” she glowered at me.

I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle hearing her call Levi shorty. I immediately regretted it when I felt a sharp pain in my side. “Captain Levi hasn’t hurt him at all, no. The two actually seem to be getting along great,” I looked at her sympathetically, “I know you care for the kid but you’d be better off just forgetting about what Levi did, he did it to prove a point. A point that saved Eren’s life. You’ll learn quickly that sometimes we have to do things that seem wrong or dangerous or unnecessary to accomplish our goals, it’s part of being a soldier. Sacrifices are required.”

They all seemed to have solemn expressions now and I couldn’t help but feel bad. I knew these kids had already experienced so much loss, had to sacrifice so much, at such a young age but this world was cruel and spared nobody, not even children. It made my heart ache to know these kids were going to have to experience so much more grief before the world was changed if they even got to see it happen. But these were the ones ready to sacrifice everything and become a Scout, so I knew if anyone could handle what was to come it would be them.


	22. Relaxation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning: Proceed with caution

I woke up the next day to find myself alone in bed, just as I had the day before. The difference was that this time I turned over and saw Erwin at his desk, working away. 

“Erwin,” I complained, “It is still so early the sun hasn’t even risen yet. Why have you already buried your nose in work?” 

“I have things to do,” he replied.

I sighed and walked over to him, placing my hands on his shoulders. “You’re just thinking about our course of action and it’s making you restless, isn’t it? Or are you digging through files to try and hypothesize who our traitor is?” I gently squeezed his muscles, “You can’t overwork yourself, you’ll lose your edge. And a dull blade holds no value in a fight.”

“If you swing hard enough with a dull blade,” he began.

“Okay, yes technically you could probably fight with a dull blade,” I interjected, rolling my eyes, “but it’s not as useful and it’s not serving its intended purpose. Same with you, if you don’t take care of yourself properly you can’t perform as well.”

“I need you to teach the recruits the formation and tell them their position. The recruits will be running support,” he explained, completely disregarding what I had said, “You’re not going to tell where Yaeger is positioned. We’ll tell certain ones different positions for him and take note. If we’re attacked, we’ll be able to shorten our list of suspects based on where the attack comes from.”

“Yes, sir,” I acknowledged what he was telling me but I dipped my head down to the crook of his neck, moving the collar of his shirt, and started kissing and sucking on his skin.

“Eren will be in the rear of the center rank with Levi’s special op squad,” he continued without reacting to me in the slightest, “We’ll be in the front of the center rank, we will be the ones who have to set up for our trap. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” I whispered, loosening the bolo tie around his neck and going to unbutton the top button of his shirt.

“Only those I trust implicitly will be given the full details of this mission, is that clear?” Erwin emphasized.

I swung myself around him and sat down in front of him on his desk without any regard for the papers he was looking at. I leaned down towards him. “Yes, sir,” I purred.

“Are you really going to do this right now?” Erwin huffed.

“I’m just trying to help you relax a little bit,” I claimed, pouting at him. I could see his eyes tracing over my frame and I knew my plan was working.

“I have work I need to get done,” he reached his hands under my behind and lifted me off the desk effortlessly, placing me down in his lap instead.

“What if I let you work while I help you relax then?” I asked innocently.

He sighed and leaned back in his seat. “I’m not certain what that entails but fine, as long as I can get back to work.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” I smiled at him devilishly as I got down from his lap and got in the space under his desk, “Okay now work, pretend I’m not even here.”

He stared at me, contemplating what I was doing for a moment. Then he sat up straight and returned to his work.

I started by gently massaging his thighs, working my way up towards his abdomen. Then I leaned forward and started kissing his stomach, right above his belt, through his shirt, and keeping my chest pressed down against his lap. I untucked his shirt and started kissing his bare skin and I could feel the muscles in his abdomen tighten as my lips touched his skin. I could feel him getting hard against me.

I leaned back and unbuckled his belt. I could still hear his pen against paper despite everything I was doing to him so I had to keep going. I undid his pants and pulled out his cock, immediately bringing it to my lips and placing a kiss on the tip. I kissed down his entire length then dragged my tongue back up the underside of it. He was rock hard by the time I finished but he was still doing his work, ignoring me.

I spit onto the tip of his cock and used my hand to spread it down. Then I pumped my hand up and down it, kissing and licking the head as I did. I wrapped my lips around it and slowly pushed my head down, taking him into my mouth. I finally heard his pen hit his desk and looked up to see his icy eyes staring back at me.

“Keep going,” Erwin whispered, his voice low and sultry. He put his hand to my cheek, goading me to continue. I took him further in my mouth before bobbing my head back up and back down again. I could hear low moans escape from his mouth each time I moved.

I felt him grab onto my ponytail, wrapping it around his hand then resting his hand on the back of my head. I looked up and saw his eyes still concentrated on my face. Holding my head still, he bucked his hips up towards me, making me take his entire length down my throat. He held me like that for a moment before pulling back. He gave me a moment to breathe then pushed his way back down my throat again, this time staying there until I gagged. Then he pulled out entirely and I gasped for air.

“There is something so beautiful about seeing you with my dick down your throat,” Erwin teased, using the grip he had on my hair to make me look straight up at him, “Would you like to do that again for me?”

“Yes, Commander,” I obliged, opening up my mouth for him. This time he was rougher, pushing as far back as he could as quickly as he could without hurting me. I felt him twitch in my throat and then tasted him letting loose in my mouth. Then I heard the door open.

Erwin straightened up in his seat and put on his perfectly composed face. I had no idea who had just walked in but since I didn’t hear them scream I guessed they didn’t see anything. I carefully and quietly fixed his clothes from under the desk.

“Hange,” Erwin snapped, “Have you never heard of knocking?”

“No time for that,” they replied, “Is it okay if I do some experimenting on Yeager today?”

“I don’t mind but ask Levi first,” he answered.

“Oookay,” Hange answered, excitement in their voice. “You feeling alright? You’re looking a little sweaty?”

“I’m alright, thank you for your concern,” Erwin assured.

“Hmmm,” there was a moment of silence, “Whatever you say, Commander,” then the door shut.

Erwin slumped back in his seat and let out a relieved sigh, then he grabbed my hand and pulled me from under his desk. 

I walked over to the door and locked it before anyone else could barge in. Then I walked over to the bed and laid down on my back. “I miss our old HQ. At least there the bed was in a separate room so even if someone did bust in we weren’t out in the open.”

“I would agree but we still frequently got undressed in my office rather than the bedroom,” he started to take off his boots, “Nonetheless, we have to work with what we have.” He got on the bed, kneeling between my legs.

I smirked at him. “Look at who’s being cooperative all of a sudden,” I teased, “What happened to your work?”

“It can wait for now,” he stated, grabbing one of my legs and placing my foot on his shoulder so he could place kisses on the inside of my thigh.

“Erwin,” I whispered, “I worry about you.”

“I know you do. Thank you,” he grabbed my other leg and gave it the same treatment as the first.

“You’re really handsome, you know,” I professed, “Your eyes are the most marvelous shade of blue and your jaw is sharper than my blades,” I wrapped a hand under his chin and pulled him closer to me, “lips that look like they were made as a perfect match to mine and beautifully carved muscles that demonstrate your strength.”

He hummed in approval, a dreamy look in his eyes, “Switching tactics I see. You know how much I love to hear your praise.” 

“There is no ulterior motive to my words, I simply love everything about you,” I placed a gentle kiss on his lips, “Erwin Smith, I love you with every fiber of my being.”

“I love you too,” he cooed, pushing my hair away from my face.

“It’s moments like these I wish I could pause time,” I lamented, “Being in your arms for an eternity would be like heaven.”

He kissed the bridge of my nose, “I’m sorry, my dear. If I could stop time for you, I would.”

“Just spend some more time with me in this bed and I’ll forgive you for not being able to control time,” I teased. I lifted myself so I could kiss his lips. I let my fingers carelessly run through his hair and wrapped my legs around his abdomen.

After a couple of minutes, he pulled away with a playful groan. “If you keep on like this I’ll never let you leave the bed,” Erwin teased, “and you have no idea how much self-control I use to not take you to bed every time I see you.” 

“I could go for a little less self-control then,” I giggled.

“You better not be surprised then when it happens,” he said. I thought he was joking but his serious expression made me slightly concerned. “By the way,” he continued, “Did you actually hear a word I said about what you needed to train the recruits earlier?”

“Of course I did,” I retorted, “I’m very good at multitasking.”

“Then off to work with you,” Erwin placed one final kiss on my lips before climbing back out of bed.

“I’m glad you’re seeming a bit more relaxed,” I chuckled.


	23. Dining Hall Shenanigans

After spending the rest of the day training the recruits I finally had time to relax once they left for dinner. I collapsed down in my seat in the training room and just sat like that, alone, letting my entire body be limp. I was exhausted.

“That’s what I was expecting,” I heard Erwin’s voice and sat up straight as fast as I could. So fast that I felt pain in my ribcage and couldn’t help but double over. “Are you alright?” he asked, kneeling to look at me closely.

“Yeah,” I said half-heartedly, “I just moved too fast.”

“Then don’t do that,” Erwin stated, grabbing me by my right arm and pulling me to my feet. “Let’s go grab dinner.” 

“You really came just to collect me for dinner?” I asked.

“I figured you would end up falling asleep here if I didn’t,” he said, pulling me along.

In the dining hall I saw all the recruits sitting together at one table, Eren included. I knew if Eren was here that meant Levi was too, no matter how much he would have preferred to be somewhere else he was kind enough to let the kid eat dinner with his friends. After grabbing our plates I nodded over towards Levi, expressing to Erwin that I wanted to go talk to him.

When we sat down Levi looked at us incredulously, “What do you guys want?”

“Can’t we just sit with you?” I asked, pretending to be offended.

“No,” Levi stated without any remorse.

“That’s a shame,” Erwin responded without any emotion. 

“Erwin, don’t just let him be mean to us, yell at him or something,” I complained.

“You yell at him,” he responded.

“Levi doesn’t listen to me though,” I objected.

“Do you believe he listens to me?” Erwin asked, not looking away from his food.

“This is why I said you can’t sit with me,” Levi complained, “I’d rather be alone than with you two idiots.”

“Hearing them arguing reminds me of a couple and their third wheel friend that only hangs out with him because he has no other friends,” I heard Jean comment from behind us.

“Which one’s the third wheel though?” Connie asked.

“The commander, obviously,” Sasha said. Erwin stood up.

“Really? I thought it was the one who was training us today,” Connie replied. I stood up when he said my name.

“You idiots, it's Captain Levi who’s third-wheeling. That’s why the other two came in together,” Jean stated confidently. Levi stood up.

The recruits sitting across from them all had horrified looks on their faces as the three of us towered behind the three of them. 

“You guys have no common sense,” Jean continued, “Obviously nobody who could choose between the captain and the commander would choose the captain.”

“And nobody who could choose between having dinner in peace and running laps would choose to run laps until lights out,” Erwin started.

“But guess what you three will be doing, Jean, Sasha, and Connie?” I continued.

“Running laps until lights out,” Levi finished, “Hop to it, brats.”

The three of them stood up and looked terrified as they turned to face us. We all glared at them as they saluted then turned to run out of the dining hall. Before he could get away, Levi put his foot to Jean’s ass and gave him a shove, making him stumble a bit.

“What sort of idiots think we can’t hear when we’re right behind them?” I sneered, “And Connie even said I was the third wheel after I’ve been so nice to them.”

“That wasn’t really the reason they got punished,” Erwin said, “It was because they shouldn’t be talking about their superiors like that to begin with.”

“Ah, who are you lying to?” I teased, “You weren’t even fazed by what they were saying until they said you were third-wheeling.”

“Would you care to join them on their run?” Erwin threatened. I gasped and picked up my tray of food and headed for the door. I heard Erwin pick up his and follow immediately behind me.

“Come on, brat, you’re going to bed since I’m in a bad mood now,” I heard Levi tell Eren as he went to leave.


	24. Unavoidable Guilt

The night before the 57th recon mission outside the wall Erwin became entirely restless, refusing to get up from his desk and go to bed no matter how much I begged. He had a look of resignation on his face and insisted he was working even though he was just staring at the same piece of paper for the past half an hour. I was growing tired of it.

I stood up and snatched the paper from his desk and looked at it, “Erwin, are you fucking kidding me?” I held the paper up to his face, “This is a blank piece of paper. You can’t say you're working and not at least pretend to read something with actual words on it. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“You know, it was much easier for me to sulk when I didn’t have someone else in my room every night,” he took the paper from my hand and placed it back on his desk.

“Are you saying you want me to leave?” I retorted.

“Yes, actually,” he said. I felt tears immediately swell up in my eyes and turned to leave. “Not like that, I didn’t mean just leave the room,” he corrected, grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me towards him, “I meant I want you to leave the Scouts and the military entirely. I want you to live a long happy life.”

“Is this your way of telling me you’re finally ready to retire and get married?” I inquired.

“No, I-” 

“Didn’t think so,” I interrupted, “Then please, tell me how you expect me to live that long happy life? Abandoning both my goals and you doesn’t sound very happy to me. Maybe I could settle for that life if you agreed to live it with me but until then, I’m good.”

“I don’t want you to die,” he held onto my wrist still, looking up at me with a forlorn look in his eyes.

“And I don’t wish to die,” I took my hand to his face and leaned down to kiss his forehead, “Unfortunately, neither of us control that. Inside the walls or out, you cannot save me from death just like I cannot save you.” I put our foreheads together, gently caressing his cheek, “And I told you from the start, I want to be happy with you today even if tomorrow I can’t do that anymore.” I giggled slightly, “And not to sound selfish or anything, but as long as I’m alive I really don’t want you to live your life without me. I’d much rather die by your side than live some dainty life on a farm without you.”

“I’m the selfish one here,” he stated solemnly, “if I truly did enough for you I would be happy to live a calm life with you. But I have to keep going.”

“My god, you’re dense,” I sighed, “I only ever say I would leave if you did because I know you won’t agree to that. I don’t want to abandon this fight. I don’t want to sit in this cage and wait for the day the next wall falls. I want to fight. And if I do perish on this journey, please remember it was of my own volition. I want to either find a way to ensure humanity’s future or die trying. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” he lamented, “but it does not erase my fear.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t get rid of that,” I sat down on his lap, wrapping both of my arms around his neck, “Every time we leave, I fear for the worst as well. But I find comfort in the fact that you’re still here now. So I’ve decided that your death is a bridge I’ll burn when I get to it. I wish there was a better way to handle these things but this world spares nobody.”

Erwin gripped tightly onto me, burying his face in my chest. I couldn’t see but I was worried he was crying. I gently rubbed circles on his back with one hand while reaching to snuff the candle on his desk with the other. If he needed to cry, I knew he would prefer if nobody saw it happen. I placed soft kisses on the top of his head until eventually, he moved.

“Am I evil for letting so many people die in the name of some greater good?” he queried.

I remained silent for a moment. “Depends on who you ask. Maybe some people see you as evil for letting their loved ones die. But others believe you are in the right, that those people gave up their lives for a noble cause,” I explained, “Things like that can’t be decided by one person. There is no universal bad or good, it all depends on where you’re standing.”

“I lost track of the number,” Erwin grieved, “I can no longer count how many lives were given to me. We returned from the last expedition in such a hurry we didn’t have a moment to collect the bodies and the reports were sent to the capital before I had the chance to add the number.”

“Good,” I replied, “It’s about time you stopped keeping that number in your head anyway. I’m sure the memories of your fallen comrades alone is more than enough to eat away at your conscience.” I sighed, “I never kept count myself. Even when I was just a squad leader who cried for hours over any loss, I knew that keeping a tally would just be a useless way to torture myself more,” I leaned my head on Erwin’s shoulder, “Stop adding more ways to torture yourself. Simply living and fighting on with their memories is a heavy enough burden, don’t you think?”

“I’m unsure,” he admitted. 

I felt his body tremble slightly and heard his breath hitch. I grabbed his face and placed gentle kisses under his eyes and tasted salty tears against my lips. I knew there was nothing I could say to truly console him, this was just another terrible part of being a soldier that was only made worse by him being the commander. The lives of those fallen will always eat away at you when you make it home without them. 

“It’s okay to be hurt, Erwin. And it’s okay to be afraid,” I comforted him, holding him as tight as I could until he eventually fell asleep sitting in his chair.


	25. Titan Forest

Deep in the Titan Forest, I stood beside Erwin as we hid in the trees. We were all waiting in nervous silence, anticipation in our chests. We had one shot to make this work or the whole mission would be a failure. We could hear the pounding of titan footsteps getting closer by the second. I could see Levi’s squad approaching at top speed, we all prepared ourselves.

“I’m with you!” I heard Eren’s impassioned yell echo around us.

“Fire!” Erwin bellowed, commanding his soldiers into motion. A chorus of cannon fire was all that could be heard as our carefully laid trap went off, impaling the titan with hundreds of spears to hold them in place.

Levi joined Erwin and me on the tree branch we were perched on. “She’s not putting up much of a fight,” he stated.

“That’s no reason to let our guard down,” Erwin responded, “Good work leading her here, I’m more than a little impressed.

“We couldn’t have without the rear contingent whose lives bought us time,” Levi replied, “This belongs to them. I don’t intend to ever forget that.”

“That so?” Erwin said, without taking his eyes from the Female Titan.

“Yes,” Levi rasped, “Because of their sacrifices, we can expose whoever this really is.” Levi pulled out his swords and prepared to attack.

“Not quite yet, Levi,” Erwin urged, “A little more insurance.” He lifted his arm to the sky and commanded for more of the cannons to be fired.

Once ready, Mike and Levi lunged to attack. Their blades shattered against the hardened skin of the titan’s hands and they flew back up to the tree branch in defeat. Erwin stared down at the titan pensively. This was an interesting new ability, unlike the Armored Titan who broke down Wall Maria who had hardened skinned all around, this titan appeared to be able to harden portions of their skin on command. This will make the extraction process so much more difficult.

Erwin raised his hand and summoned a soldier.

“Yes, sir?” he asked respectfully.

“Prepare an artillery round,” Erwin ordered, “I want her hands blown off.”

“If you aim for the hands we run the risk of destroying the nape,” I stated plainly, “The hands need to be severed not destroyed.”

“A fine point,” Erwin nodded, “Which is why you’ll aim carefully and severe them at the wrist.” He reached out and put his hand to the soldier’s shoulder, “At my signal, I want an all-out salvo.”

“Yes, sir,” the soldier agreed, dropping down to carry out his orders.

“Once we take off her hands that won’t stop the issue of the hardening skin,” I pointed out, “If she can harden the skin around her nape then we still won’t be able to cut her out.”

“Then we’ll need to think of something,” Erwin looked at me, “That is part of your job, is it not?”

“I guess so,” I surmised, “I’ll think of something.”

I saw the titan shift position as much as she could. Then she let out a blood-curdling scream. I covered my ears, the scream was so powerful I almost felt like I was going to be blown out of the tree.

Once the screaming stopped Mike joined us on the branch once again, a dire look on his face. “They’re coming, I can smell them,” he fretted.

“From what direction?” questioned Erwin.

“From every direction,” Mike responded, “Fast. Dozens.”

I drew my blades, prepared to defend. “Faster on the artillery, gentlemen!” Erwin commanded.

“Here they are,” stated Mike, “First wave closing from the east. They’re coming in fast.” I shifted on my feet to face where the titans were coming from.

“Wagon defense squad, intercept now!” shouted the commander. The soldiers sprung into action without question. 

“The Female Titan must have summoned them with her yell,” I commented, watching the titans run straight past our troops, “She must intend to use them to escape, we have to keep them away from her.” I watched as Levi ended the three initial titans that broke through. Then I watched as a smaller one ran by and bit onto the titan’s leg. “Erwin, they’re going to eat her, we need to defend, now.” 

“All hands, commence combat,” he ordered, “Defend the Female Titan at all costs.” We all dropped from the trees and began to attack the titans. But there were too many, there was no way we could slaughter them all before they managed to get to the person in the titan.

After slicing through one titan, I felt the pain growing in my left shoulder. After the third, it was nearly unbearable and I lost movement in my arm. Shit, now wasn’t the time for this.

“All hands withdraw,” I heard Erwin command. I immediately shot back to the nearest tree. “Redeploy the formation, return to Karanes district.”

I launched myself back to where I left Erwin. The pain from my shoulder had spread quickly and now had a pounding headache. 

When I got to Erwin, he was already talking to Levi, a bleak expression on his face. He looked almost horrifying, I knew he was already tormenting himself over this loss. “Think about it,” Erwin began, “the enemy was prepared to make sacrifices, enormous ones. So committed to maintaining her secrets she’d rather be cannibalized than exposed.”

“That whole song and dance in the courtroom and this is what we’ve got to show for it?” bemoaned Levi, “We scurry back now with our tails between our legs, Eren's back in chains or worse.”

“We’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it,” Erwin said, regaining his composure. “Right Now, our only concern is getting back without sustaining any further casualties, however we can.”

I looked over to the Female Titan as it was being devoured, trying to keep an eye out despite the black spots that were now clouding my vision. “Erwin, we can’t let our guard down,” I warned, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I’ll gather up my squad,” Levi said, turning to leave.

“Not yet, Levi. First, replenish your blades and your fuel,” Erwin ordered.

“I can deal with what I’ve got. We’re running against the clock as it is,” Levi disagreed, “Why?”

“Because I said. That’s an order,” Erwin reiterated.

“Whatever you say, sir,” Levi replied indignantly, “I trust you implicitly.”

“I’m glad you two have had your moment,” I griped, “but could I please get a little assistance?”

Erwin finally turned to look at me and his face dropped. I couldn’t see myself but I could only imagine I looked like hell. I knew I was covered in sweat and at this point, the pain was making me nauseous so I had to guess my arm was very out of place. I couldn't move it even if I wanted to.

He glanced down at the titans then back to me. “We need to clear out before they finish with their distraction,” he stated calmly, “We’ll deal with your arm momentarily.”

I wanted to complain but I knew we were short on time before the titans were looking for their next snack. “I suspect the person within that titan wouldn’t have given up so easily. There’s a chance they escaped under the smoke,” I informed him.

“I agree,” he didn’t wait for me to start moving on my own, instead he elected to grab me and throw me over his shoulder, carrying me to meet up with the rest of our squad.

“I can still use my gear,” I protested uselessly.

“I know,” Erwin clarified, “You look like you’re about to pass out at any moment. I don’t need you falling and getting hurt further.”

Once we made our way back to the others Erwin put me down and stood beside me. “Alright, countdown from three,” he put one hand on my shoulder and the other around my arm.

I took a deep breath, “Three… two...o-'' Before I could even finish counting he made one quick movement, popping my shoulder back into its proper position. Pain shot through my body like electricity and I felt my eyes roll back in my head before everything went dark.

When I finally came around, we were outside of the Titan Forest. I was laid down in a moving cart. I cautiously sat up, remembering I had just passed out because of pain. I looked around to see where my horse was. When I spotted the soldier who was guiding her I waved him over. “Keep pace next to the cart, I’m getting on her,” I instructed.

“Are you sure you can,” I glared at him until he let his sentence trail to a stop. “Yes, ma’am,” he complied, doing exactly as I asked. I stood up in the cart and steadied myself before taking a step off of the cart and onto my horse. 

“Thank you,” I bowed my head to the soldier and made my way to the front of the rank to greet Erwin.

“What’s our current objective?” I asked as I rode up from behind Erwin. 

He did a double-take when he saw me riding on my horse then sighed. “How are you so stubborn?”

“The stubbornness is what’s kept me alive all these years,” I replied, “Objective?”

“We’re gathering the fallen then headed back to Karanes,” he answered, “We’ll be stopping soon to do so. You could have at least waited until then to get up.”

I looked past Erwin to see Levi riding on the other side of him. My heart dropped. Where was the rest of his squad? “Erwin,” I lowered my voice to prevent Levi from hearing, “What happened to the Special Op squad?”

Erwin pursed his lips for a moment and I knew the answer wasn’t going to be good. “Eren was recovered from the Female Titan,” was how he ultimately decided to phrase it. I glanced back at Levi again, an ache deep in my chest. I knew how much each of his squad members meant to him, I’d have to find time to console him later. 

“We’ll discuss our next move once we make it back to HQ, it’s time for us to stop,” Erwin stated tonelessly. 

I walked beside Erwin as he took his notes about the identities of each fallen soldier. I squatted down beside the body and discretely uncovered them, to spare anyone else from having to see, and checked for their names. It was a gut-wrenching duty but we had to ensure as many people were accounted for as we could. I delicately placed the cloth back down. “Dita Ness,” I stated before moving on to the next. Once I was done the body was loaded up onto a cart.

As we finished going over the bodies, a small group of soldiers approached Erwin. “We’re almost done, sir,” he stated, “We estimate 5 to be unrecoverable.”

“Not even an arm or a leg?” Erwin asked.

“Sadly, the titans didn’t leave much behind,” the soldier remarked, “And honestly, sir, I think it would be best for the families if we didn’t bring back what little there is.”

Erwin had a solemn look on his face, it made my heart desperate to reach out to him but I knew that I couldn’t do that right now. “We’ll put them down as missing,” he instructed.

“Also sir,” the soldier continued, “our spotters reported several titans have emerged from the forest. Fortunately, none of them seemed to be headed our direction.”

“We’ll head out immediately,” Erwin decided, “Inform the squads.” As he began to walk away I followed behind him.

“No, I refuse, it’s inhumane,” the blonde soldier of the group called out. We both turned around.

“Damn you, shut up,” the soldier Erwin spoke to barked back. 

“We can’t just leave him out here. He was there. I saw Ivan’s body,” the blonde griped, “It was right in front of us.”

“And if you didn’t notice there were titans nearby!” the other soldier chided, “Go back and we can wind up dead ourselves.”

“So if they attack we’ll fight, it’s what we do right?” the blonde argued back.

“Ivan and me, we grew up in the same town together,” the brunette who had been quiet until then chimed in, “His parents are like family to me. I can’t face them again if we leave him.” 

“Sentimental garbage,” denounced their leader.

“Stop shrieking,” Levi ordered from somewhere behind us. “If you’ve already confirmed his death there’s nothing more to do. Whether we have his body or not makes no difference, he’s still just as dead either way.”

“Ivan and the others will be listed as missing in action,” Erwin stated, his eyebrows furrowed, “That’s my decision and it’s final now let it go.” The three of us turned and began to walk away.

“You heartless bastards,” yelled the blonde, “that’s how you treat the men who give their lives for you?”

I turned back around, approaching the soldiers. “If you think it’s heartless to prioritize getting you and everyone else still breathing home alive over grabbing a dead body then so be it. But let’s be honest, you’re just being selfish,” I reprimanded the two soldiers, who seemed to be shrinking back now, “How dare you think that the lives of more soldiers are worth a body? Ivan? He died fighting for a reason, he was a brave soldier. Do you think he’d want you dying just to bring back his corpse?” I scoffed at them before carrying on, “I’ll let you in on a secret: the dead don’t care what happens to their bodies, they’re dead. And you?” I pointed to the brunette, “If his family is like your family, consider how much more it would hurt to hear not only their son died but you died just trying to recover his body? Stop being selfish children and learn to be soldiers. If you’re so desperate to die do it on your own time, not when we’ll have to carry that weight with us for the rest of our lives.” 

I took a breath and readied myself to keep lecturing them but before I could I felt a hand on my shoulder. “That’s enough, Captain,” Erwin gently turned me away from the soldiers and urged me forward.

“I’m sorry,” I let out a heavy sigh, “Was that too much? It just really got to me that they were acting like that. We’ve all had to leave behind the bodies of people we loved before. But I’d rather keep living in their honor than die trying to bring back their body.”

“Let them feel as they wish,” Erwin seemed entirely downcast now, “They will either hate me for my decision or grow to understand it, but you can’t force them to see differently.”

“Grief clouds people’s judgment sometimes,” Levi added, “But if they can’t make clear decisions even in their grief then they put everyone in danger. That’s why sometimes we do have to make heartless decisions because our heart will get us killed.”

We promptly began the trek back. I rode beside Erwin, Levi, Mike, and Hange in silence. I heard a flare go off and looked up to see red smoke. Great. “Enemy spotted in the rear,” someone announced.

“Full speed, all soldiers,” Erwin ordered

“Our best chance might be to circle back,” Levi suggested, “Make a beeline for the trees. We can’t put up much of a fight out here.”

“No, our best option now is continuing to the wall,” Erwin disagreed.

Levi huffed and started to fall back and I did the same, we knew what needed to be done if we wanted to outrun these titans. 

“Dump the bodies,” I ordered as we approached the soldiers in the cart. They looked at me like I was crazy.

“Do you know how many corpses we already left behind?” Levi asked, “These aren’t special. Dump them, consider it their last service to the cause.”

The soldiers looked dumbfounded but after a moment they obliged, dropping the hatch of the cart and starting to push out the bodies. I saw the tears in their eyes. And I could see Levi’s forlorn face as he watched the bodies fall, knowing his squadmates were among them. 

Once we were certain they had enough speed to get away, we made our way back towards the front of the formation. A part of me was furious that those soldiers still went back after all we said to them. The rest of me was so desperately sad to know that we wouldn’t be bringing back any of our fallen soldiers today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm so happy to see you guys have been enjoying the story so far. Honestly, I'm surprised to see how many people have been reading this story that I started writing for my own satisfaction. I'm currently considering starting a series of ~only~ Erwin smut at some point when this story gets a little closer to ending, so let me know if you'd like to see that.
> 
> Here's an insight into my writing process: I turn on the song Hope of Mankind and cry for 5 minutes. Then I turn on the episode I'm referencing and let it play while I write. Today I had to listen to one of Levi's line like 10+ times cause I couldn't understand what he was saying so I just cut out the line entirely and trying to understand what Erwin is actually saying when he's yelling and other noises are happening is so difficult sometimes. It also took me way longer than usual to write this chapter cause I kept getting distracted by tiktoks of Erwin.


	26. A Plan

Once we made it back to the headquarters our work wasn’t over, we needed a plan. If we continued on without a plan we’d end up losing Eren. That wasn’t something we could afford to do, we needed him to reclaim Wall Maria.

Erwin sat down at his desk, letting out a deep sigh. “We can say the Female Titan isn’t a member of the Scouts Regiment now but that doesn’t mean there are no co-conspirators in our ranks. Since her attack came from the right-wing we can assume that there are traitors amongst those who were told that’s where Eren would be.”

“Yes,” I concurred, “That doesn’t help us identify who the Female Titan is though and that’s what we need right now. All we know is she is a member of the military and likely came from the 104th Southern Division but is not a part of the Survey Corps.”

There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” Erwin answered. In came three of the soldiers from the 104th, Mikasa, Armin, and Jean. “What is it?” Erwin asked.

“I think I know the identity of the female titan,” Armin stated. He said it without any hesitation but he looked nervous.

“Is that so?” Erwin leaned forward, interested in hearing what they had to say. He glanced at me giving me an eager look. 

“Yes, I believe so,” Armin stammered, “She was a member of the 104th Training Corps. I was suspicious of her after our gear inspection. But once I encountered the Female Titan today I’m nearly certain.”

“So, who is it?” I asked impatiently.

“Annie,” Armin hesitated, “Annie Leonhart.”

“Tell us, what makes you suspicious?” Erwin goaded him on.

“Well, today, when the Female Titan attacked, she pulled back my hood to check my face rather than killing me outright. Which means she already knew what Eren looked like,” Armin explained, “And when we went to the inspection, I don’t think she brought her own gear. I recognized the gear as Marco’s, a member of our training class who died during the battle in Trost.”

“So, nothing concrete,” Erwin thought aloud, “but it’s enough.”

“What about you two?” I asked, pointing to Jean and Mikasa, “You just here for emotional support, or do you have something to add?”

“I can back up what Armin said about the hoods,” Jean added, “But I’m here mostly to offer my help, whatever the plan is. I’m here to offer my help.”

“I won’t let Eren be taken,” Mikasa stated, “I don’t care what it takes.”

I couldn’t help but smile after hearing their resolve. “No matter what, huh? We’ll see how far we have to go,” I turned back to Erwin, “What are you thinking?”

“Tell me more about this Annie Leonhart,” he requested. 

“She’s an MP now,” Armin informed us, “She ranked 4th in our class. She never really spent time socializing with anyone. I don’t really know too much about her.”

“We’ll need to lure her underground,” I stated, “That’s the only way we’d be able to get the upper hand in a fight.”

“Yes,” Erwin agreed, “I’m sure that someone she knows would likely be able to convince her to follow them. Armin,” he looked over to the small boy, “if she spared your life once, I’m inclined to believe she would be willing to help you if you asked.”

“Help me? With what?” Armin asked.

“You’ll have to lie to her. Tell her that you’re sneaking Eren out of the city,” I turned to him, “Can you handle lying?”

“Yes, I believe so,” Armin agreed.

“If that’s the case then we’ll need to make sure Eren can accompany them underground, otherwise she won’t take the bait,” Erwin stated, “That will also make for a perfect plan B. If she refuses to go underground and transforms if Eren’s there they can fight. She’ll be the one cornered and it shouldn’t be too difficult for him to stop her.”

“Erwin,” I looked at him, “I agree with you but you do understand that would be downright treason at that point? The brass won’t really appreciate us letting Eren free when they expect him at court.”

“No matter what, yes?” he looked back, determination in his icy eyes.

“Of course,” I answered, “Jean can be Eren’s body double then. Shouldn’t be too difficult if we slap a wig on him and nobody looks too hard. No complaining Jean,” I turned and pointed my finger at him accusingly. He looked dejected.

“If plan A works, we should be able to capture Leonhart without much difficulty,” Erwin stated, “Before they can even realize the person they’re escorting isn’t Eren.”

“And if plan A doesn’t work?” Armin asked.

“It will become apparent that Eren isn’t the one in the carriage. At that point we would all be expected to rendezvous and fight together,” Erwin glared at me, “Except Levi and you, of course. You two may be some of the greatest soldiers we have but that’s exactly why I can’t send either of you into battle while you’re already down a limb.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “You do realize at that point you run the risk of being detained, if not shot and killed on the spot for treason,” I pointed out, “If you’re detained, you can’t expect us to sit idly by. Actually, if you’re dead you can’t command us to either.” I saw out of the corner of my eye that the kids in the room were looking tense and I realized I may have gone a little too far. “Ah, you know what, we’ll discuss that later,” I rescinded. 

Erwin cleared his throat, “Well, in any case, we’ll arrange for our gear to be brought along for those of us who will be with the escort, so we can fight if necessary. We’ll need a capture squad underground and everyone else should be stationed around the Stohess District, prepared to fight.”

“So, are we going to have everyone in on this?” Jean questioned.

“No,” Erwin replied, “There is a group that will be left in the dark about this operation. We’ll have them sent as far away from Stohess as possible and make sure they don’t have their gear.” I read his face, knowing he was talking about those who were told Eren was in the right-wing of our last operation. They couldn’t be told because if there were more enemies amongst them, they’d be able to warn Leonhart in advance. “I’ll send Mike’s squad with that group to the southern portion of Wall Rose to wait it out.”

“What happens if it isn’t Annie?” Mikasa asked.

“If it isn’t then we’re screwed,” I answered, “But if it’s not her and she does agree to help you get Eren out you’ll at least have a chance to get out. What you do after that will be something you guys will have to deal with on your own. Erwin will likely be tried as a criminal. And I’ll take as much blame as necessary as well to try and get the rest of you out of trouble.”

“You guys are really going to stake your lives on something we can’t be sure of?” Jean asked, looking entirely perplexed.

“Yes,” Erwin answered calmly, “If the only other option is to lie down and let our opportunity to save humanity be taken away, I will gladly put my life on the line.”

“It’s what we always do,” I added, “We fight simply for the chance to change the world, even if we know we could easily die in the process.”

“Regardless,” Erwin continued, “Let us go discuss this plan with Levi and Eren. Then tomorrow we can discuss this with the others and make our plan C. We’ll have to be entirely prepared by the end of tomorrow, we’ll be heading out first thing in the morning the day after.” Erwin stood then looked at us all expectantly so we followed his lead to find Levi and Eren.


	27. Needed Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning: Proceed with caution. Mostly vanilla this time around

At the end of the next day, all of our plans had been entirely prepared for. Well, as prepared as we could be. Everyone had been ordered to get a good night’s rest. I don’t know how well the others were able to sleep. I do know that Erwin and I were both sitting in an uncomfortable silence rather than sleeping. I knew we both had something we wanted to say but neither of us wanted to go first. So instead we both laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, neither us sleeping, not cuddling as we usually did, and not saying a word. Neither of us would sleep until we spoke about it, it just came down to who wanted to be the one to start.

“Are you upset with me?” Erwin asked cautiously. 

I remained silent for a moment. “I’m not upset, I’m worried, there’s a difference,” I mumbled.

“There’s nothing to be done about our plan now,” he replied, “Could you please do as you always say and enjoy your time with me today even if you can’t tomorrow? I’m feeling a bit desperate for your comfort right now.”

“I know there’s nothing to be done. I’m just scared,” I rolled over towards him, placing my hand against his chest.

“I’m scared too,” he admitted, “But there’s nothing I can do about it now. Please, I just want to enjoy my time with you.” He wrapped both his arms around me, holding me tight to him. I felt ready to cry, he was truly preparing to lay his life down and in doing so he was acting like this was our last night together. What made it worse was that I knew it very well could be our last night together.

It wasn’t as if we didn’t risk our lives whenever we faced titans but it was an entirely different feeling this time. When fighting titans, we always had a chance to fight. This time there would be no battle for Erwin’s life, if it is decided he’ll be executed there’s nothing to be done. I can’t manage to take down every MP on my own and even if I did there’d be nowhere to go, we’d simply be enemies of the state. What a truly cruel world.

“My love,” Erwin whispered, placing his hand to my cheek, “I’m sorry for being selfish.”

“You’re not selfish,” I reassured him, my hand idly tracing hearts on his bare abdomen, wishing I could see his face despite the darkness. “You’re a good man, truly. I wish we lived in a world where you could have a happier life.”

“Honestly,” he put his forehead to mine, “despite all of the hardships of my life I don’t think I’d say I want to trade it away for a different one. I don’t want to be like those who don’t concern themselves with escaping from the walls. And as terrible as things get here, I still have you,” he gave me a tight squeeze, “Strong and smart. A good heart. Determined. Caring. And absolutely gorgeous. The wind beneath my wings. Shall I go on?”

“I think I get the picture,” I responded, blushing. “Erwin, no matter what happens, I’ll love you forever.”

“And I’ll love you,” he cupped my cheek in his hand as he placed a tender kiss upon my lips. 

I slipped away from his grasp and went to draw the blinds. When I turned back I could finally see his handsome face with the moonlight casting a beautiful glow to his skin. “Can we enjoy this night together a little while longer before we sleep?” I requested as I crawled back into bed.

“I would like that,” he responded, placing his hands on my hips and pulling me towards him until I was on top of him. He slowly slid one of his hands up my body, feeling every inch of my skin along the way. He entangled his fingers in my hair and gently pulled me so I’d be leaning over him, face to face. Softly, he rubbed his nose against mine before giving me a slow, delicate kiss. I could feel his other hand caressing the back of my thigh.

We kissed again and again until my lips felt raw then he pulled away, turning his attention to my neck. He left a trail of bites and kisses all the way down to my breasts. Taking one of my nipples into his mouth, he licked and teased until I was desperately grinding myself against his lap. He pulled away from me, a carnal look in his eyes as he rested his head back onto his pillow. He grabbed my underwear and gave them a quick, hard tug so they ripped apart at the seams. I would be annoyed by how often he did that if I didn’t enjoy it so much. “Come here,” he ordered, “Ride my face.”

I readjusted my position so I was straddling his head, positioned right above his mouth. He took both of his hands to my hips and lowered me to his mouth. I felt his tongue find its way between my lips and give a slow, deliberate lick forward. I let a desperate moan escape my mouth as his tongue grazed against my clit, sending shocks throughout my body. He pulled on my hips, encouraging me to move. I slowly rolled my hips, letting his tongue lick every inch. I reached down and ran my fingers through his hair, looking him directly in his eyes as I whimpered again and again.

He tightened his grip on my hips until I stopped moving, then he pushed his face upwards, sliding his tongue inside me. I let out a wanton moan which only seemed to encourage him. I could feel his nose rubbing against my most sensitive parts. He lapped away at my insides until I was pulling on his hair and arching my back, but he held my hips in places and kept going. 

“Erwin,” I cried out. He licked me again. “Erwin!” I cried out louder. I felt my muscles tightening up and my mind going blank. He held onto me and kept going, making me make vulgar noises as I finished on his face.

Without giving me even a second to recover, he shifted slightly so his shoulders were behind my knees and flipped us so he was on top of me, practically bending me in half with my knees up near my head. I watched his every move as he brought his hand to his face to wipe off his mouth and chin. “Could you do me a favor and keep yelling my name like that?” he requested, staring down at me with lust filling his blue eyes.

“Someone will hear,” I warned, “if they haven’t already.”

“That’s fine,” he replied. I could feel his hard cock pressing against my entrance now. “I just want to enjoy hearing it, I’ll deal with the consequences later.” As much as I wanted to protest, he didn’t even give me another moment to think before pushing inside of me. Immediately, the only thoughts on my mind again were this beautiful man in front of me and what he was doing to me.

With the position he was holding me in, his slow and steady strokes were hitting all the right spots to make me whimper. When he started going faster I let my head fall back, exposing my neck to his affections. Covering me with bites and kisses as he pounded into me, he goaded me on, “Come on, just call out my name for me. I’ll reward you if you do.”

“Erwin,” I whimpered quietly.

“Louder than that,” he instructed. He started going faster and I could feel his sweat against my body and his heavy breathing. I could feel my thoughts going entirely fuzzy with each stroke.

“Er-” I started but I trailed off into gibberish once I felt him slam back down into my insides.

“Almost,” he teased, looking down at me dreamily, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone and forgotten my name now.”

I reached my hand out and held onto him desperately tight as he railed me. Before long I felt myself about to finish again. 

“Erwin,” the first was quiet, barely above a whisper. 

“Erwin,” I moaned again, this time it was audible but not as loud as I was before.

“Erwin!” the last one came out as a desperate cry as I felt my entire body be completely enthralled in pleasure.

He pumped into me a few more times, letting out rugged groans, before burying himself completely inside me and letting loose. He stayed like that, staring into my eyes while he finished and caught his breath. Then he leaned down and gave me a sultry kiss before letting me go.

Once we readjusted ourselves and laid down in each other's arms I couldn’t help but laugh. “What the heck was that, Erwin? Usually, you’re challenging me to stay quiet no matter what you do but today you tell me to scream?”

“I was just enjoying hearing you say my name with such desperation,” he answered, “You were calling out for me like I was everything you could ever possibly need.” Erwin rested his head against the top of mine, squeezing me tighter. “And if anybody did hear we can just say you were angry and yelling at me.”

“If anyone is capable of confusing those sounds with anger they’re a fool,” I commented.

Afterward, we fell asleep rather quickly, within each other’s embrace. No matter what tomorrow held, I was endlessly grateful for the time I’ve spent by Erwin’s side.


	28. Battle in Stohess

When the commotion broke loose in Stohess and the carriage Erwin, Levi, and I sat in came to a halt we all knew what was happening. We all shared a quick look at each other before stepping out onto the street.

“Nile,” Erwin called out, “Deploy all troops immediately. We should assume that a titan has already appeared.” 

“Are you out of your mind?” cried Nile, “This is Wall Sheena. There’s no way a titan would just suddenly show up here.”

At this point, Jean came barreling out of his carriage, the MP outside of it struggling to stop him. “Who told you to move Yeager?”

“How ‘bout this damn wig said I could, moron,” Jean yelled, pulling his wig off and making the guard back down. “Call me Yaeger again and it’s your ass, you got that?” he yelled as he ran to us. I let my head drop to hide my amusement, I had to admit that I truly admired this kid. “Commander, what’s the plan?”

“Ask squad four for equipment,” Erwin answered.

“Sir!” Jean swung his cloak behind himself and put it on.

“Like the brass balls, but not try to swing them so hard they get you killed,” Levi said.

“Sir,” he said to Levi, much less enthusiastically, as he ran off. They were making it difficult for me to not laugh.

“What the hell?” Nile exclaimed, looking entirely confused.

“Commander, here,” one of our Scouts jumped down from the roof and presented the case with Erwin’s ODM gear to him.

“Well done,” Erwin praised, beginning to put on his gear. The MPs hadn’t drawn their guns on him yet so this was a win so far.

“Thank you, sir,” the soldier replied.

“Wait, just a damn minute,” Nile griped.

“All of you are with me,” Erwin ordered, completely disregarding Nile. If we were going to be worried about anyone’s balls swinging too hard today it was Erwin. “We’re rendezvousing with the capture squad.”

“No, the hell you will,” Nile barked, finally drawing his gun. There goes that win. “This is outright treason. I am well within my rights to shoot you where you stand.”

“Think Nile,” Levi stated, “It’s hard to believe you’re actually as thick-headed as you look. You’re a hair-trigger away from making the biggest mistake of your life.”

“Take off the gear before I shoot you,” Nile ordered. Erwin continued to stare him down.

“Nile, you’re being awfully arrogant for someone who just let one of their own soldiers transform into a titan on the street,” I added. He looked surprised. “Oh, I’m guessing you didn’t know then, my bad. But at least we know there’s a titan in our ranks.”

“Stop your bullshit,” Nile barked. The second round of lightning signaled someone else transforming and I just smiled at Nile smugly.

Two MPs ran up to Nile and explained the situation to him, making him make a horrified expression. “We’ve got two of ‘em hashing it out in the streets?” he fretted.

“Yes sir,” one of the soldiers confirmed, “The city is collapsing like a house of cards.”

“It’s just,” the other stammered, “It’s horrifying. We can only guess how many casualties.”

Nile gritted his teeth then refocused his gun on Erwin. “Erwin,” he barked, “Your arrogance brought hell right to our door.” I covertly rolled my eyes, I didn’t think it was Erwin's arrogance as much as it was everyone else’s ignorance.

“I know,” Erwin stated calmly, “I acted entirely on my own authority. And I offer no excuses.”

Nile lowered his gun and approached Erwin, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. If there weren't so many guns currently trained on the three of us I would have probably elected to kick his right on his ass for grabbing Erwin like that. “You knew what this would do to us, you son of a bitch,” he lamented, “You knew and our lives be damned. Why? Damn you! Why?”

“For humanity,” Erwin answered, unwavering, “For victory.”

“Don’t give me that,” Nile yelled, aiming his rifle again, “You’re nothing more than a traitor. I outta kill you right here and now. None of the higher-ups would fault me.”

“Do as your conscious dictates,” Erwin replied, “My post is yours.” Then he began to rattle off the details of what needed to be done and who was in control of what. I admired Erwin for being able to keep his cool during this, if it were me I would have become indignant by now.

“Woah, stop it, shut up,” Nile stammered, “Do you really believe this is for the good of us all?”

“I believe it is a step forward,” Erwin clarified.

Nile lowered his weapon hesitantly. “Everyone, lower your rifles,” he ordered, “Place this man under arrest. Deploy all troops immediately. As of now, focus on evacuation.”

“Yes, sir,” his soldiers shouted in chorus, heading off.

“Erwin, I hereby wash my hands of you and leave you to the high court,” Nile continued.

“I’ll accept their judgment,” Erwin agreed, “Thank you, Nile.”

Levi began to walk away and I followed after him.

“You two, stay here,” Erwin ordered, “A pointless death wouldn’t suit you.”

If looks could kill, Erwin would be dead because Levi stared daggers into him. “No, I doubt it would,” he answered, “Any more than it suits anyone else.” 

We stood still for a moment, watching as Erwin was escorted a bit away. “Alright Levi, where the fuck is our gear? As if we have to take orders from a man who’s under arrest.”

“It should be here any second,” he stated. Just on schedule, a soldier dropped down from the roof with both of our supplies. “Thanks,” Levi said plainly to the soldier. 

We both started to gear up. Then flew towards the battle. 

As we approached we saw the two titans becoming covered in crystals. “I’ll handle this,” Levi stated. I nodded and headed towards Hange while he went straight for Eren.

We all watched as Levi carved Eren out of his titan form. I sighed, seeing that the other titan had surrounded themself with a crystal. If we couldn’t break her out, convincing the higher-ups to not prosecute Erwin would only get so much harder. No matter what, I would have to pay Nile back someday for holding us at gunpoint. There wasn’t anything I could do on any front right now though, so I decided I would attend to our recruits for the time being to make sure they were unharmed.


	29. Reunion

After Erwin was released from his meeting with the higher-ups, I went to find him immediately. At first, I wanted to yell at him: for worrying me, for being reckless, for putting his life on the line so readily. The longer I looked for him the more I just wanted to run into his arms crying, happy that he made it out unscathed in the end. After, looking up and down the fifth hallway, I was mostly just annoyed. 

“Commander Erwin,” I shouted, “Where are you?”

“Over here,” I heard his voice call back from further down the corridor.

I ran to him and once I saw nobody else was standing in the hall, I energetically jumped into his arms. Without any complaint he picked me up and slid into the door he was standing next to, an empty meeting room. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me to him, giving me a bunch of frantic kisses to my lips.

“I thought you would be more disheartened by the results of today’s mission,” I giggled, “Not complaining though. I quite like your kisses.”

“I was feeling a bit discouraged at first, yes,” he squeezed my cheek in his hand, “But the moment I saw your face I remembered what it was that I would have lost if things went wrong.”

“You can be sweet when you want to be, Commander,” I teased.

“Well, yes,” Erwin placed gentle kisses on my cheek, “I have been told I have a way with words.”

“You are good at speaking but honestly,” I grabbed his face in both of my hands and pulled him in for a deep kiss, “I think you’re better at using your mouth for a few other things.”

He let out a chuckle, leaning his body over mine, “I don’t think this is the proper time nor place for having this conversation.”

“You’re saying that but you don’t seem entirely uninterested,” I teased, pulling him in for another kiss.

“Why do you tantalize me so?” he whispered, reaching to pull the tie out of my hair. He lifted me again and leaned back against the wall. I kissed him again and again until his cheeks started to turn red.

“Wall Rose has been compromised,” I heard Thomas’s voice bellowing.

“For fuck’s sake,” I complained, pushing myself from Erwin’s arms, “I’ll start preparations for our departure, go talk to Thomas.”

“I thought I was the commander here,” Erwin said. 

“I thought you were under arrest,” I mocked.


	30. Rescue Mission

We all mounted our horses together, an all-out recovery mission. It had only taken 12 hours for things to go from bad to a different type of bad. We had learned that there truly was no breach in Wall Rose, which meant that we weren’t about to get wiped out now, but instead Eren had been kidnapped after going with Hange’s group to rescue those at Fort Utgard. If we couldn’t make it to him fast enough, he’d be taken past Wall Maria and it’d be nearly impossible to recover him once that happened. At this point, my head was spinning because of all of the puzzle pieces that were just thrown at us. But there was no contingency plan for what we’d do if we lost Eren, so I had to worry about putting together the puzzle once we had him. Not to mention the personal score I had to settle: Ymir saved my life once and I had to do everything I could to save hers.

We were headed for the forest, where Hange had guessed they would be headed to rest until sundown. 

A red smoke signal to our right, Erwin shot off his green flare to the left, directing us to change directions. A chorus of red flares to our left. 

“We’re surrounded,” a soldier informed us.

“There is a way around,” the other soldier offered, “We could go around.”

“We don’t have time,” Erwin stated. “Soldiers, continue forward, prepare for combat,” he ordered as we advanced towards the forest.

The yellow lightning that signaled someone transforming into a tit went off deep in the forest. Shit, we’re cutting this real close. 

“We’re out of time,” Erwin said, “All soldiers disperse. Find Eren and get him out of here.” And just like that, we broke rank, splitting off in two groups headed in two opposite directions, one left and one right then into the forest, we needed to find Eren fast. 

After a minute of searching, I saw the flash of another titan shifter on the other side of the forest. Shit. We needed to move. “Everyone back to your horses, we need to give chase,” I bellowed as loud as I could to make sure as many people as possible heard.

Once back on my horse I started a mad dash through the forest and out the other side. I saw ahead the Armor Titan running away with a small titan I had never seen before on its back. I had to assume that titan was Ymir, which meant saving her life had become unimportant, she was willingly going along and I was wrong to assume she wouldn’t simply switch sides once captured.

“Everyone,” Erwin commanded once he emerged from the forest, “ lead the titans to them”

“You bastard,” some shouted, “You’re using us as bait again.”

“Yes. It is our only choice,” he stated, “You served well as an MP, now do it as a soldier.” 

We led the titans around in front of the Armored Titan to intercept them. Once we got close enough Erwin ordered us to scatter, leaving the titans in the path of the kidnappers. We watched as the Armored Titan was skidded to a stop and attacked by the other titans. 

“What’s going on? Is this hell?” Jean muttered.

“Not yet, but it will be,” Erwin replied, leading ahead, “All soldiers, charge,” he commanded, “We’ve come to the moment of truth. Mankind’s fate is decided now. There is no future in which we reclaim these lands without Eren and there never will be.” He held his sword high to the sky, “Go, recover Eren from the Armored Titan and retreat!” He put his hand to his heart in a salute, “Your heart and soul to the cause,” he bellowed as he charged ahead. I immediately followed behind him and after a moment the rest of our soldiers followed.

We charged across the field, making a beeline to Eren. The Armored finally lowered his hands and began to fight the titans biting at it. Now was our chance.

“Advance!” Erwin yelled, holding out his arm. And in a blink of an eye, he was off his horse. I immediately turned around to pursue the titan that grabbed him. All the soldiers were shocked. In the grasp of the titan he yelled again, “I said advance god damn it, Eren’s right in front of you, do not falter.” The other soldiers turned away and continued and I was grateful because I wasn’t turning around until I had Erwin. 

I stood up on my horse's stirrups for a moment before engaging my ODM gear and latching onto the titan holding Erwin. In one quick motion, I sliced open its nape and Erwin fell to the ground. I rushed to his side, frantic. 

“I told you to advance dammit,” he barked.

“Shut up!” I barked back, “I won’t ever stand idly by and let you die. Now whistle for your horse dammit!” We both whistled and as we waited for our horses to show up I pulled the tie from my hair and wrapped it around his arm in a makeshift tourniquet. 

I jumped onto my horse and stared at Erwin making sure he was still able to ride his horse even when he was missing an arm. This relentless bastard better not keel over now.

We rode directly towards the titans at top speed. I could see that Armin was speaking with Bertolt, keeping him distracted. I would have to strike while the iron was hot. I prepared myself to go up but before I could make the move Erwin was already gone, headed straight up. I wanted to be upset by his recklessness but it was truly just par for the course with this man. So instead I grabbed the reins of his horse and guided it forward. He cut Eren loose and started free-falling back down, using a blow from his ODM gear at the last second to keep him from hitting the ground.

“Get ready to get on,” I shouted at him, leading his horse directly to him. We couldn’t risk taking a second to stop so close to the titans so he’d have to be ready. 

Even with one arm, he seemed to easily throw himself onto his stead and take off.

As we rode away, the Armored Titan begin lobbing titans at us. We didn’t have time for this shit, why can’t these bastards learn to give up. As I turned to face forward again all I saw was a horse skidding across the ground at high speed and an instant later my horse was knocked from underneath me, sending me flying through the air. I steadied my body the best I could and used my ODM gear to keep from hitting the ground too hard but I still felt my tailbone hit the ground unpleasantly hard. 

There was no time for pain, however. I stood and located Erwin and started dashing towards him. A titan was approaching him from behind and I needed to defend him. Before I had the chance to, I saw Ymir fly past and tackle the titan to the ground. Shit, there goes another thing I owed her. Unfortunately, she made Erwin topple off his horse, but that was preferable to being eaten. 

I stood in front of Erwin, who was now kneeling on the ground, guarding him against any attack. “Stop,” Erwin griped, “Get Eren.”

“I can’t!” I shouted, “I’m sorry Erwin, but I can’t do that right now. Everyone else can go for Eren, I’m defending you until my last breath.”

“You’re foolish,” he chided, “Eren isn’t.”

“I’m foolish and I’m selfish,” I snapped back, “but there’s nothing I can do! I can’t make it to Eren now, I’ll be killed if I try. I’d much rather die protecting you.”

Inexplicably, the titans suddenly were uninterested in us. They all just turned in the same direction and started running. It was a curious event but not one we had the time to investigate.

“Everyone, move out,” I bellowed, “Make your way to the wall before they go back to attacking us.” I bent down and scooped Erwin off the ground, letting him lean most of his body weight against me. I helped him up onto his horse and climbed on behind him, reaching around him and grabbing the reins just as he did for me when I hurt myself. I could tell he was just barely hanging onto his consciousness now that his adrenaline was beginning to wear off. I needed to get him back before it got worse. 

We all rode as fast as we could, desperate to get with what lives we had left. I felt like my heart was about to fall out of my chest as I looked at Erwin, weak and tired, missing his arm. I wanted to reprimand him for being so reckless but I knew that it wouldn’t change him or bring back what had been lost. So instead I cried. I sobbed, unconcerned with who witnessed me, all the way back to the wall. I cried until the tears dried up and no more would come. “Erwin, please don’t die on me yet. I’m not ready.” 

“I won’t,” he answered weakly.

“I love you so much, Erwin,” I wanted to bury my head against his back and hold him but I had to keep steering the horse until we made it to our destination, “I promise I’ll take care of you.”

“I love you too,” he replied. I let go of the reins with one hand, just for a moment, and reached up and gently touched his cheek. I needed him to be okay after all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to write more chapters tonight but I ended up getting distracted by drawing Erwin instead (and if you wanna see that it's on my tiktok: iwoulddie4erwin) I had a bit of a difficult time with his chapter, it's one of the few parts of the story I've gone into without knowing what I wanted to happen beforehand even though I knew it was something that needed to be included. But I have my ideas for the rest of the story all set out. I'm sure there will be at least another 10 chapters, maybe even 20. Thank you all for your lovely comments and I'm happy to see people enjoying the story, <3


	31. No Time to Rest

I stared emptily into the darkness that surrounded me. I could make out the familiar shapes room I used to spend so many of my nights in. We had returned to the headquarters in Trost after the battle. I remembered when this room was the place I felt most comfortable in the entire world. But the comfort wasn’t there anymore, I don’t know if I could ever truly feel at ease again no matter where I went.

It had been four days since we returned and I haven’t left Erwin’s side for more than a few minutes yet. I glanced out the window, watching the clouds slowly move along in the night sky. I’ve only managed to sleep once since our return, and even then it was only for a few hours. I had sat at the table in Erwin’s room yesterday afternoon, doing reports on his behalf, and my brain and body just stopped at some point and I fell asleep without meaning to and stayed like that until Levi came to check in on Erwin and accidentally woke me up.

I felt exhausted but I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. Anytime I closed my eyes or allowed my mind to rest every terrible thought and memory of mine would come flooding in all at once. The nights were the worst because I didn’t want to disturb Erwin from the rest his body desperately needed so I couldn’t actually do anything but sit here in this chair beside his bed. Under normal circumstances, if my mind was bothering me so I would simply do something until I felt it clear up enough for me to rest. But there was nothing I could do in the silence and darkness of this room and I couldn’t leave it either. If I tried to leave paranoia and worry would simply bring me running back within a few minutes worse off than I was beforehand.

So I sat and stared into the dark, watched the clouds outside, went over formations in my mind, counted the seconds between the cricket chirps, whatever it took to keep my brain from having a moment to take me into places I didn’t want to go. And I stayed like that until the sun rose and Erwin rose with it.

“Are you hungry?” I asked him, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Have you been like that all night?” he asked, looking at me with concern, “I figured you would give in and go to sleep at some point.”

“I did,” I lied, “I slept on the couch so I wouldn’t wake you.”

He stared at me, icy eyes piercing right through me. I could tell he was analyzing my face, to see if I was lying, to see if I was okay. After a second he looked away and stood up from the bed. I immediately stood up too, to support him. He placed his hand on my head and gently pushed me away, “I’m feeling good enough to walk on my own now, at least enough to get to the restroom on my own, thank you.” Before I could protest he leaned down and kissed my forehead, “I’ll be okay, I promise,” he continued.

I followed behind him nonetheless, escorting him all the way to the restroom then stood outside the door in the hall waiting for him. 

“You look like shit,” I heard Levi’s voice say before I saw him approaching me from down the hall.

“Thanks, that’s always what I want to hear,” I joked half-heartedly.

“It’s been rare to see you anywhere but in Erwin’s room since we’ve been back,” he said, staring at me, “Why’re you here? Erwin taking a shit or something?”

“Why would I know what he’s doing in the restroom?” I asked.

“So you are only out here cause you’re following him like a lost puppy,” Levi folded his arms over his chest and looked at me with an annoyed expression, “The rest of us won’t let him die if you take some time for yourself to rest, you know that right?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust in you guys,” I started.

“You’re just so worried about him you’re gonna run yourself ragged, is that it?” Levi interjected, “I don’t know if you realize this but just because we finally have a moment to breathe it doesn’t mean the fight is over, so we’re going to need you to be ready once shit gets rough again we can’t have you sick and sleep-deprived. Not to mention that you’re going to make things harder on us all if you end up hurt because of your stupidity. You’ll become a detriment to everyone, especially Erwin if you carry on this way.”

I sighed. I knew Levi well enough to know he was badgering me because he was worried and wanted to make a point. I understood what he was saying and I knew he was right but I just couldn’t let myself right now, I was afraid that if I let my thoughts catch up to me I might break for good. “I’ll rest when I get the chance, Levi,” I reassured him, “Thank you.”

“I need to talk to him about what our plans are moving forward,” Levi stated, “And Pixis wants to speak to him about something as well.”

I nodded my head. “Very well. I’ll get him breakfast and after that, you guys can talk.”

“While we’re talking you can go rest,” Levi suggested.

“No, I need to be there. I need the information so I can do my job too,” I argued,

“You can be updated later on,” Levi said as he walked away.

I didn’t have the energy to argue so I let it go and waited for Erwin so I could make sure he was back to his room before I went to get him breakfast.

I watched Erwin as he ate. He looked rugged and tired, his hair was a mess and he had stubble on his face, if it wasn’t because he was injured I might have found this look to be attractive. But each time I looked at him I saw the bandages on his right shoulder and I was filled with sadness. It was starting to feel like every time we tried to take another step towards freedom we had to pay a higher toll. In each battle, the death count was rising. It wasn’t just Scouts anymore either, it was members of the Military Police, of the Garrison, and civilians. But we couldn’t stop fighting, we had to fight or else we’d just be sitting ducks in the walls waiting to be wiped out, that was for certain. 

If the fight was necessary, why did the burden have to be so heavy? I know that Erwin and everyone else must be feeling the same weight I do right now, wishing that this wasn’t necessary, wishing people didn’t have to get hurt, that they didn’t have to die. I was so desperately hurt this time though because I couldn’t escape it. There was nowhere for me to get away to if the man who had been comforting me for the last five years had become a reminder of what the price of this battle is. I was grateful Erwin was alive and I knew that one day I would grow used to seeing him like this, but for now, it was just a painful reminder of everything that had been lost so far.

“You’re not eating,” Erwin pointed out, his voice laced with dejection.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, “I was just thinking. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” he reached out his hand and placed it over one of mine, “Don’t forget what you told me. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be afraid.”

I turned my hand over under his and grabbed ahold of his hand, lifting it and pressing his knuckles to my lips for a moment. “You are right, I did say those things,” I admitted.

“Then there’s no reason to apologize,” Erwin consoled me, “If something is on your mind, you can speak to me about it if it will help you. I can’t say I’ll be able to fix it, but I’ll listen.”

“Thank you,” I took a small bite of my food. He may have offered to listen but I wasn’t about to push my anxieties and uncertainties onto him, he had enough to worry about already. “I think I’ll be okay for now. Is there anything you need me to get done today?”

He looked at me, obviously discontent that I turned down his offer and changed the subject. “No,” he finally answered, “Not that I can think of right now. After talking with Levi and Pixis I may have a better idea of what we need to do.”

“Then I’ll ask again after the meeting,” I stated before laughing wryly and asking, “Ready to get back to work already, huh?” There was never truly a moment to catch your breath around here anymore. Ever since we went out to the Titan Forest to try and capture the Female Titan it’s just been an onslaught of fighting and loss. There has been no time in between to mourn for our losses. No time to recover from our injuries. It’s been less than two weeks and we’ve lost so many lives. But we couldn’t afford to stop, not even for a break, we had to keep going.

“We can’t stop now, can we?” Erwin responded, sounding just as downbeat as me. 

“I suppose not,” I answered, “I’m glad that you’re doing better today. I was starting to worry you wouldn’t recover fast enough and we’d be without a commander.”

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t just take over without me,” he teased.

“No, definitely not, that’s not a job for me,” I replied honestly.

He was quiet for a moment. “I think you’d make a great commander. You have the right mindset for it,” he complimented, “You may do an even better job than I do.”

“Thanks,” I sighed, “But honestly, it’s not a matter if I could do the job and if I’d be good with it. I’ve seen how deeply you’ve been hurt by the decisions you’ve made as our commander. Maybe when I first joined the Survey Corps I would consider becoming the commander to be an honor. But I see now that it has much more in common with being a curse. So, if you have to choose someone you want to succeed you, don’t choose me,” I turned to him and smiled, “Besides if you retire, I’m going with you anyway.” 

“What do you think about Hange then?” he asked.

“I think Hange would make a great commander. They have the determination and the skills fit for it,” I answered. “Why are we even talking about this? Are you finally ready to take me up on my offer?” I was only teasing him but when I looked back and saw the somber look on his face as he stared downward my heart dropped. 

“Unfortunately, no I’m not ready for that still,” he looked over at me with a serious expression and anguish in his eyes, “It’s likely now that I-”

“I don’t wanna hear this,” I interjected, standing up from my seat. I couldn’t handle this conversation right now and I knew it. It didn’t matter how valid his thoughts were, I didn’t want to hear him planning for his own death.

“That was insensitive, I’m sorry,” he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him. I didn’t put up any resistance and let him pull me onto the bed with him. He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed. “I apologize for worrying you. Could you please stay with me a little while longer?”

I grabbed his empty food tray and placed it down on the bedside table so we wouldn’t knock it over. “You know Levi and Pixis will be here any moment right?” I pointed out.

“Yes, so let me hold onto you until they arrive,” he pleaded.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and he put his arm around my shoulders, holding me tight to his chest. For the first time in days, I felt some sort of comfort and it was heavenly. I wished it would last an eternity but it only lasted a moment before there was a knock at the door and I had to get up. 

“Come in,” Erwin answered.

As soon as they walked in Levi glared at me. “Did you forget what we discussed?” Levi barked, “Get out.”

I rolled my eyes and gathered up the food trays and left. Maybe I could get some rest now though, I’d try at the very least.


	32. Nightmare

I could feel the sun against my skin, the grass in my hands, and the sweet scent of baked goods wafting through the air. Where was I? I watched as children ran by, playing with each other. I looked around and began to recognize where I was, I was back in my hometown, where I lived until I joined the military. The home I’d never get a chance to go back to because it was abandoned when Wall Maria fell. I watched the people and I started recognizing faces: one of my teachers, childhood playmates, the vendor who used to give me free snacks. I wondered if any of them were still alive today. I looked to my side and realized I had been joined by my mother and father, then they were gone again. I wanted to call out to them, ask them where they disappeared to all those years ago when I was just a child, but my voice wasn’t working. I hadn’t thought about them in years but suddenly my heart felt like it was broken into a thousand pieces. As I sat in the grass, I watched as the town began to crumble before my very eyes.

Then I wasn’t home anymore, I was in Stohess, standing amongst the rubble. I watched as the Military Police moved bodies from under collapsed roofs, them counting out how many dead. I saw civilians returning to their homes, looking absolutely heartbroken to find they had nothing left. Then they were all looking at me, even the corpses on the ground. “Was this sacrifice worth it?” they called to me in chorus. I wanted to apologize, give them some explanation, but I couldn’t get my voice to work still. So they repeated it again and again as I stood and watched.

Then I was on the training grounds, my comrades stood in front of me, facing forward, saluting. I looked to my side and I stood next to Erwin, Levi, Hange, and Mike. The soldiers began to approach, one at a time. 

“Hi, I’m Ilse,” she smiled at me sweetly, “And you left me for dead.” Then she was gone.

“Pleasure to meet you, the name’s Dita,” he gave me thumbs up, “You thought those of us in the right-wing could avoid that Female Titan, but she sure was smart.”

I stood there, unable to move and unable to speak, as one after another my fallen comrades reintroduced themself to me. I felt hot tears running down my face but I couldn’t wipe them away. After the last soldier vanished I watched as the four people next to me moved and we were all standing facing each other.

“Would you like to be a Captain?” Erwin spoke, “An advisor to me if you will. Your strategies are exceptional.”

“Then why is my whole squad dead?” Levi asked harshly, “Was that in the plan?”

“I don’t blame you,” Mike stated, “There was no way you could have known that Wall Rose would be breached, you thought I was completely safe. But maybe you should start taking some responsibility as Erwin’s head strategist. Maybe let him know we’re people, not live bait.”

“You guys are being too harsh,” Hange said with a laugh, “It’s not a question if they’re going to throw your life away, it’s a matter of when. Everyone’s life is only worth as many titans they can distract before they die. Well except Erwin’s, isn’t that right?”

I desperately wanted to scream out. I knew that the decisions I’ve made and the decisions I’ve advised Erwin to make have led to so many lives being lost, but that’s just the harsh nature of this world. Every last one of those deaths held a meaning, they weren’t for nothing. If there was a way to do this without people dying I would have never let any of this happen. 

“Don’t be silly, Hange, my life is worth nothing just the same” Erwin said, smiling at me wickedly. “First my arm,” as he said this he lifted his right arm to expose it from under his cloak, showing his blood-soaked clothing to us. “Next,” he paused, letting his voice fall to just above a whisper, “my head.”

My eyes shot open and I was in my quarters back in Trost. I was covered in a cold sweat and my heart felt like it was going to break out of my chest. I sat up slowly and reached up to wipe the tears off the side of my face. I sat there, holding my face in my hands. Was this fight really worth all this carnage? It was too late to second guess myself, we had to go all the way or everyone who has given up their life so far will have died for nothing.

I stood up and stared out of my bedroom window, watching the people below go about their day-to-day activities. That terrible voice in the back of my mind that seemed to grow louder and louder every day asked me who would be sacrificed next.


	33. Moving Forward

I made my way back to Erwin’s office just in time to pass Levi heading out. He stopped and glared at me for a moment. I stopped and glared at him back. After a second he rolled his eyes and broke eye contact. “Why the hell are you back already? I thought I told you to get some rest,” he bickered.

I stared at him, unable to form my thoughts. I could hear that terrible voice in the back of my head telling me I should ask him if he thought I was to blame for what happened to his squad. I knew what his answer would be, he'd definitely tell me no, act like I was an idiot for even asking. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes.

“I didn’t realize that was such a difficult question,” Levi shifted in his feet, obviously feeling uncomfortable because of the way I was behaving. 

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I tried but I couldn’t stay asleep.”

“I guess it can’t be helped then,” Levi shrugged and turned his back to me to walk down the hall, “Talk with Erwin, I’m sure you’ll have plenty to discuss.”

I let myself into Erwin’s office to find him at his desk, looking through a book. I would have told him to rest more if I thought he would listen. But I knew better than to think Erwin listened to anyone once he had his heart set on doing something. I sat at the chair across from his desk. “Let me hear what’s happening,” I said.

“Levi is taking those remaining from the 104th and making them his new squad,” Erwin started, “They’ll be headed out of Trost, we’ll be beginning our game of keep away now.” I nodded along, knowing he was talking about the information we had gotten from Pastor Nick about Historia. “Pixis has informed me that if Wall Rose were to fall, we'd be lucky to have enough resources for a week. Then, Hange and Connie came in with the most interesting theory,” he had an odd sparkle in his eyes, “There’s a chance that the titans are truly humans, completely sealed in their titan bodies.”

I let the words sink in, processing what had just been said to me. “Titans, coming from humans,” I hummed in thought, “If that were the case it would mean the titans outside of the walls were made from humans as well. So either there is a finite number of titans or there are humans outside of the walls still being turned into titans. That would make sense considering how titans appeared inside Wall Rose without being breached. But why would the humans within the walls simply begin to transform all of a sudden after all this time? Unless this has some relation with those titan shifting traitors…” I prattled on, at that point it didn’t matter if anyone was in the room with me, I was lost in thought. My brain was working through possibilities as fast as I could, but the outcomes had suddenly become endless after just one theory.

I snapped out of my stupor when I felt Erwin’s hand against my face. I looked up at him in a daze and he was frowning at me. “You’re worrying me,” he said, “I need you to keep it together.”

I gently pushed his hand away from my face, “I’m together, I promise.” 

“Whatever you say,” he leaned down and kissed my forehead, “Furthermore, if we want to continue down the path we’re on to reclaiming Wall Maria, we’re going to have to continue taking desperate measures. I’ll need your strategic expertise on my side.”

“I somehow don’t like where this is headed already,” I sighed, ”But of course, I’ll be prepared. And I'll trust in you.”

“For now, I’ll need you on standby. You’ll be my direct connection with Levi Squad and Hange Squad, I’ll need you prepared to move at any moment,” he paused for a moment, “We’re moving in secret at this point, without the orders of the crown. It’s only a matter of time until it becomes us working directly against the crown, I’m certain of it.”

“I understand, you don’t want to be seen moving about as the Commander to keep suspicions low,” I let a smug smirk slide onto my face, “You sure do put a lot of trust in me.”

“I do,” he blatantly stated, “You have yet to disappoint me. Even when you’re too stubborn to follow my orders exactly. You’ve been skilled all around. So now I’m asking you, do you trust in yourself?”

That wiped the smile off my face immediately. Did I trust in myself? I told Erwin that I would trust in him and in turn, he told me he puts his trust in me. I stared into his eyes for a moment and I saw everything I needed to see. Despite it all, loss after loss, the look in his eyes was one of determination. I could worry about the morals of my actions after the fight was over, for now, I needed to stay determined and make it out of this alive. 

“I trust in myself,” I answered, resolute. 

“Very well then,” he sat back down in his seat across from me. It felt nostalgic to be like this. 

“So tell me, Commander,” I started, “What are our current goals?”

“We’re keeping Historia and Eren away from the hands of the government. They will quickly order the Scouts to seize all operations once we don’t comply,” he carried on, “Of course, we will have three groups that continue operations covertly: Levi, Hange, and you.”

“Levi Squad will be on guard duty obviously, since he is the most powerful fighter he’ll be able to defend what the enemy is directly after,” I elaborated, “Hange’s specialty is research, so they’ll be the one who’s doing the leg work, gathering the information that we need. But I’m uncertain what you have planned for me.”

“You will become my access to the outside world,” he answered, “While I sit here, playing the hurt and defenseless commander, you will be doing reconnaissance and retrieval. You will be working alone to minimize the chances of you being spotted. But since you’ll be alone that means you will need to back down in the face of danger rather than fighting whenever you can because there will be no backup. Your main goals will be moving from one place to another or listening in on conversations while remaining unnoticed, whether you do it through staying out of sight entirely or becoming innocuous amongst your surroundings will be something you need to play by ear. Which is why it will be left to you, I trust your strategic eye to be able to make those quick decisions that will keep you entirely unnoticed.”

“What an interesting game of chess we have going here,” I mused, resting my chin to my hand, “I wonder what move will be the one that puts them in check.”

“I have an idea,” Erwin divulged, “but that move requires so many pieces to fall in place that we’ll need to be functioning like a well-oiled machine to get that far. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” I answered as I stood, “I’ll be prepared to do everything I need to.”

“Will you?” Erwin asked, eyebrows raised.

“I thought you trusted me,” I argued.

“How do you plan to fight if you’re simply running on fumes as it is? And how is your shoulder? It’s only been a week since it was last injured, I can only assume it hurts still?” he pressed.

I sighed and rotated my left shoulder, he wasn’t wrong, the soreness was definitely still there but it wasn’t something I couldn't handle. And I was definitely exhausted after going so many days without proper sleep. “I just need some sleep and I’ll be ready to go,” I admitted.

“Very well, shall you rest now then?” he stood from his seat and approached me.

“There’s one thing I would like to do before that,” I raised my hand to his face and gently grazed my thumb across the stubble on his chin, “Could we please take care of this? It’s entirely unlike you to look so… unkempt.”

“You used to tell me you enjoyed seeing me when I wasn’t being uptight,” he teased.

“I meant that in more of a you looking like you wanted to tear me apart kind of way and less of a you look like you could use a bath kind of way,” I teased back as I headed into his bedroom to find his razor.

He let out an amused chuckle, “You were coddling me this morning but now you’re insulting me. Please, my dear, my heart can’t take it.”

“It’s not like I said it made you ugly,” I grabbed his hand and put the razor in it, “It’s just unlike you to not have a clean shave.”

“Will you help me then?” he looked sad and detached as he held the razor up, “I’ve never been good at shaving with my left hand.”

“Of course I’ll help you,” I assured him. I followed him just a pace behind as we headed to the showers. I watched him, a feeling of sorrow washing over me again. There were so many things taken from him by losing his arm. He wouldn’t have the same dexterity in his left hand so he wouldn’t be able to do things like shave or write in the same capacity that he used to. He also wouldn’t be able to salute properly. Fighting would be out of the picture for him. It was discouraging to think about, to say the least.

Erwin peaked inside the showering room to make sure nobody was in there before pulling me into the room. “We’ll have to be quick so nobody walks in,” he stated.

“It has been five years of me being by your side,” I explained, “I don't think anyone would be that concerned about seeing me help you shave. Everyone knows we’re close friends at the very least.”

“That may be true,” he sighed, washing his razor off in the sink, “but honestly, I’m a bit embarrassed to even have to ask for help with something so menial. I’d hate for anybody to see me like this.”

“It’s okay to need some help adjusting after losing an entire limb,” I wrapped my hand around his and brought it up to his face, guiding him through the movements of shaving, “This will be temporary, you’ll learn to do all the things you used to if you just give it some time.”

“I know that, but I’d still prefer to not be pitied in the meantime,” he replied, reaching down to rinse the hair from the razor.

“Then we’ll keep this between us,” I comforted him, dabbing the wet towel to his face. 

He glanced at me, a tenderness in his eyes, then he planted a gentle kiss on my lips. My face warmed up and I was certain I was blushing at him. “Who would have ever guessed a woman who could take down a 15-meter titan all on her own could have such a caring touch?” he pressed his forehead to mine, “A woman who I’ve watched command soldiers have such a gentle demeanor? A woman I’ve seen be brave and unwavering in the face of death also able to be so soft and doting?”

“Come on,” I gently pushed his face away from mine, “All this sweet talk of yours can wait until you don’t have a half-shaven face.”

“Really?” he looked into the mirror in front of him, turning his head so he could see every angle, “I think I quite like this new look of mine.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” I grabbed his hand and guided it to his face again, “As if anybody would ever take you seriously again if they saw you like this.”

After we finished shaving his face I went back to his quarters to let him shower. I laid on his bed staring up at the ceiling, waiting for him to return. My brain felt like it was on fire: everything from the guilt I felt for our fallen comrades to the sadness I felt about Erwin’s injury to the anxiety I felt about our upcoming operations. It was all eating away at my mind. But I knew I would soon have to discard those emotions and focus on what needs to be done; however, I decided until then I would cry about all those things that hurt.

When I heard Erwin return, I quietly wiped the drying tears off my face before he could make it into the room and sat up. 

“Why are you still awake? I figured you’d fall asleep if I took long enough,” he walked over to the bed and sat down too, running his towel through his wet hair.

“I was waiting for you. Besides, it’s the middle of the day still, do you expect me to sleep now?” I repositioned myself so I sat behind him then I wrapped my arms around his waist, “I thought it’d be better if I just waited so I could wake up rested in the morning rather than waking up in the middle of the night.”

“I need you to do something under the cover of the darkness,” he stated, “So I’ll need you rested before daybreak.”

I sighed then fell back against the bed, “Understood, I’ll head straight to sleep then.”

He sat with his back against the headboard and his legs up on the bed. “Come lay against me,” he said, “I can’t exactly hold you while I read anymore so I hope this is good enough.”

“Just being close to you is enough,” I answered. I rested my head against his lap and wrapped my arm around his legs. “Please don’t worry about not being enough. You’re doing amazing,” I reassured him.

“Thank you, my dear,” he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took a bit for this update but I was asleep for like the whole day. Just a heads up that we'll be going through a phase of the story where time spent with Erwin will become sparse, considering what happens ahead, but it will be some character building and relationship building for the reader's character. It will only be a few chapters and then Erwin will be back and then we'll have a good few more lovey-dovey chapters before the end.
> 
> Also, I realized I never discussed this but I will now. The reason I write the story in first-person rather than second-person and without ever using Y/N or anything is simply personal preference. I find that way of writing more difficult to read so I just use first-person instead.


	34. Memories

I woke up to Erwin shaking my shoulders, I slowly sat up and looked at him, barely able to see him through the dim candlelight. His lips were moving but I wasn’t actually hearing a word he was saying, just seeing his soft lips beckoning me forward. So I clumsily leaned forward and kissed him briefly then smiled at him. 

“As much as I enjoy that, please, I’m trying to say something important,” he said. As my consciousness caught up to me I remembered what he told me before I had fallen asleep, about me needing to do something before daybreak. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t actually awake yet,” I apologized, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

“I figured as much,” he replied, “Anyway, what I’ll need you to do tonight is fairly simple, I just need you to not be seen.” He reached to his bedside table and grabbed a key, holding it up for me to inspect. “This is a key to the storeroom, where we keep all our equipment and refills. You will head as far as you can from Trost before dawn and find a locksmith who can make a copy of this key.”

I stood from the bed and began to dress in my plain clothes, “Yes, sir. I’m assuming you want me to go out of my way to make sure I’m far from here to remove any suspicions that we’ll have access to our gear and refills if they take away the original.”

“Yes,” he continued, “Once you get the copy I’ll need you to return the original either directly to me or the top drawer in my desk, I’ll be leaving both my bedroom window unlocked at all times as well as my office door. Keep the copy on yourself. You will then be expected to take some rations and ammunition out to the Levi Squad as soon as the coast is clear. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” I finished getting dressed and took the key from his hand.

“One more thing before you go,” he stood up now, looking as serious as ever, “Give me a kiss.”

I let out a small chuckle before pulling him in for a kiss. He held tightly onto me like he didn’t want to let me go. Then he let out a sigh and let me go, “Be safe, nobody should try and interfere at this point but you still need to be cautious.”

“Of course, I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I gave him another kiss, on the cheek this time before heading out into the hall as quietly as I could.

I made my ways as quickly and as silently as I could to the stables and picked out one of the spare horses, one that most likely wouldn’t be able to be identified from any other horse. I chose to not bring my ODM gear because it would make me stand out and would be a hindrance more than anything else. But I did bring my handgun, concealed under my jacket, just in case. I rode away from the headquarters quickly. Once I made it out of Trost, I headed north-west until I started to see the first glimmers of sunlight then I rode into the first town I saw.

I rode straight to the center of town, figuring it would be the only place to find a person this early in the day, and I was correct. I stopped in front of one of the vendors who was setting up their stalls for the day and hopped off my stead. “Excuse me, sir, do you know where the nearest locksmith is?” I asked politely.

“There’s one on the edge of town,” he answered, “as far north as you can go.”

“Thank you for your help, sir,” I reached into my bag and grabbed a coin, “May I buy one of your apples?”

“Why, of course,” he answered, happily taking the coin and giving me an apple. If I knew one way to convince a vendor to be on my side it was to pay them, and I needed to convince every person I made direct contact with that I was the nicest human being alive so if it came down to it, they’d be less inclined to turn me in to anyone. I grabbed my horse by the reins and started walking in the direction I was advised, feeding the apple to the horse as we walked.

Once at the locksmith I walked inside and presented him with the key. “Do you think you could make a copy of this key?”

He took the key in his hands and gave it a once over, “Yes, should be no problem, I can have it done by the end of the day.”

I shifted nervously on my feet, deciding I would try and use some charm to get this done faster. “Really? I was hoping for more like three hours,” I pouted at the man, “My boss will be really upset with me if I take too long. Is there really no way you could have this done faster? I can even pay a little extra.”

“Well,” the man crossed his arms and looked at me and I kept pouting, “For 5 extra gold pieces I can get this done in two hours.”

I smiled widely at the man, reaching into my bag to grab the coins, “Thank you so much, sir, it means so much to me.”

The man smiled and blushed a bit, “Anything for a fine lass like yourself.”

I walked out of the store, blowing my hair from my face. These old men act as if they’ve never seen a woman before, they’d do anything as long as I smiled and spoke politely.

I sat in the alleyway by the shop while I waited and I couldn’t help but let my mind wander a bit. This town reminded me a lot of my home and watching the people going about their daily business made me almost miss being there. Keyword: almost. 

I saw an elderly woman walk by, two small children in tow. She reminded me of my grandmother, slow and hunched over, but still loving towards her grandchildren. My own grandmother was much too old and sickly to care for me but she did the best she could. I ended up being the one doing most of the caring for her by the time I was ten. Working, begging, sometimes even stealing, whatever it took to bring home enough food scraps to keep us alive. I stayed with her until I was sixteen, then I told her I was going to join the military so I could afford to take care of us both properly. The morning before I left to join the Training Corps, I found her dead in her favorite chair, as if being with me was the only reason she had to hold onto this world.

I couldn’t say I missed my childhood, it was rough and stressful. There was never enough food or clothing. Most kids weren’t kind to me either, why would they be kind to the kid who had nothing? But I could give any kid who tried me a run for their money in a fight, so at least they usually just left me alone. I always just wished I could get away from that small town, go somewhere I could live happily. But if there was one thing I did miss that I could never get back it would be my grandmother.

When I finally snapped out of my thoughts I realized one of the children I had been watching was staring at me now, tugging at her grandmother’s skirt. Then she started to walk towards me. I hastily wiped the tears from my face and smiled at the small girl. 

“Here,” she said meekly, holding out a small white flower, “Grandma always taught me to not let someone be sad all alone.”

I gently took the flower from her hand, tears unintentionally pooling at the corners of my eyes again. “Thank you,” I peeped, “Your grandmother is a very wise woman and you are a very kind young girl. I’m feeling better already.”

The girl beamed at me and giggled before running back to her grandmother. I smiled at the trio as they continued down the street. I leaned back against the wall of the building and hummed, now electing to fantasize about the future I wished to have rather than the past that haunted me.


	35. Supply Run

After my two-hour wait I headed back to Trost as quickly as my horse could take me. Once outside, I noticed there was a group of MPs gathering in the front so I went through the back instead. I needed to move quickly. I rode directly to the entrance of the building, rather than taking my horse back to the stables. I ran through the building, making it to Erwin’s office to hand over the key. 

When I entered I saw Nifa there already, speaking to him hastily. When he saw me he simply stuck out his hand and mouthed one word, “Go.”

I placed the key in his hand and ran into his bedroom, grabbing my ODM gear and an all-black cloak. I took off out of the building as quickly as I made my way in. I was out of breath by the time I made it back to my horse, but I wasn’t done, not yet.

I made my way into the storeroom and started gathering what I needed as quickly as my hands would work. I grabbed two large bags, one for myself and one to give to the others. I filled them each with as many rations, gas tanks, and boxes of ammunition they could fit. Then I grabbed a rifle from the wall and ran back out, making sure to lock the door when I did. Then I took the horse back out the way I had come in, in the opposite direction of the MPs.

When I saw the entirety of Levi and Hange’s squads stood on a cliffside, looking down, I made my horse halt immediately. They all looked at me at once, guns drawn. I held my hands up, “Please don’t shoot me, I brought supplies.”

“Oh, it’s just you,” Levi stated, and they all lowered their gun, “How’d you manage to get a hold of that shit anyway.”

“This situation was planned for,” I answered vaguely, tossing the bag I prepared for them at his feet, “Are you all headed back to Trost?”

“Yes,” Levi answered, “Any word?”

“Place was swarming with MPs when I left, they seemed to be taking our stuff,” I replied, “Most of the MPs will likely be around the HQ until they finish but there will always be some roaming around town.”

Levi let out a huff. “That was expected,” he looked at me, “Any orders from Erwin?”

“No, it seems we’re all going to have to play this by ear for the most part,” I let out a sigh, “It seems our main objectives are still to keep Historia and Eren out of the hands of the government and gather whatever information we can against the government. Erwin has yet to say it but I’m assuming at his point he’s plotting an entire coup. It’s the only thing I can think of that will get him and the rest of the Scouts out of the hole we’re in. I’m guessing the government is willing to do anything at this point to make us be the villains since we’re hot on their tails.”

“Where will you be off to?” Hange asked me.

I thought to myself for a moment before answering, “I’m going to make my way to Mitras, I’ll gather some information then return to Trost tomorrow to speak with Erwin.”

“Are you crazy? Why on earth would you head straight to the capitol?” Jean cried out.

I laughed a little, I couldn’t help but laugh whenever he spoke cause all I could see was the time Levi kicked him square in the ass. “Well, if you must know, it’s because they’ve sent their very best after you guys. In turn, I shouldn’t expect too much of a hassle in Mitras right now. If they know Erwin, Levi, and Hange are all down in one area they’ll expect me to be there as well. It’s simply a matter of outsmarting them.”

“And if they do find you?” Levi questioned.

“I’m only one person, it’s easy for me to slip away,” I answered confidently. 

“Whatever you say,” Hange said, “Just make sure you come back alive, I don’t want to be the one who has to tell him you went to Mitras and never came back.”

I let out a wry laugh, “No, I wouldn’t want to be the one who had to tell him that either.” I looked back at everyone, “Be safe out there, I want you all coming back alive after this is all said and done. I’ll join back up with you guys at some point.”

“You stay safe too,” Levi said with a slight smile, “We rely on you to keep our idiot commander in check.”

I gave a quick salute then kicked into my horse’s stirrups, making her run off as fast as she could.


	36. Premier

By the time I made it to the castle, it was already nighttime, which worked perfectly for me. It meant I would be concealed almost entirely by the darkness and the guards on duty would be at a minimum. I left my horse tied up behind a building a bit away from the castle so they wouldn’t hear me approaching. I identified the building as a doctor’s office so I would know exactly where to find my horse when I was done here. 

I made my way to the castle on foot, using my gear to fly over the exterior wall with ease. I inspected the side of the building as I was perched against it, looking for an open door or window, any easy way in would work for me. Then I caught it, a second-floor window, just slightly cracked. I knew if I did get caught, whatever poor idiot left that open was losing their job and most likely their life.

I quietly peeked into the room, there were no candles lit inside and I couldn’t see the shape of anyone’s body in the shadows, only a desk and some bookshelves, so I figured the coast was clear and headed inside. I walked quietly out into the hall, I only had a vague idea of where I wanted to go, an archive room. I had only been here once before and I didn’t get a grand tour or anything so I would have to guess. My best bet was making it to the highest floor possible while checking as many doors as I could along the way.

I made it all the way up to the fourth floor before I found a door labeled “Archive”. I could barely make out the letters with only the moonlight but I was certain that’s what it said. I grabbed the door handle and it didn’t move, locked as expected. I stood still for a moment, slowing my breathing until my heart calmed down. Then I held my breath, listening intently to my surroundings. I couldn’t hear anyone nearby so I grabbed the handle on my ODM gear and lined it up with the door handle. I took a deep breath then quickly swung downwards, snapping off the door handle. Reaching into the hole on the door, I fumbled around until it finally was able to open. I would have to work faster, get out of here before someone had the chance to investigate what that noise was.

Quickly, I pulled my knife from its sheath and grabbed the biggest book I saw. I held it towards the moonlight to check to see if it held any value to me, it didn't. So I opened it up and carved out the insides of the pages, leaving a nice cavity of space inside. Without being able to truly read through any of the files, I started grabbing them and checking the labels, deciding to only take what could be of some value. Arrest records? No. Interior Military Police Brigade? Yes. I took the papers from the files and folded them in half and placed them in the cavity I made in the book. Once I filled up the book, I closed it and shoved it in my bag.

“Is there somebody in there?” I heard a voice call out. Shit, this was all about to be over if I didn’t play my cards right. Could I recognize the voice? I thought for a moment, I could.

“Premier Zackly,” I whispered, “How do you feel about those nobles who run this place?” I had heard rumors that he was discontent with the nobles in charge, so I figured now would be the time to test those waters. If this didn’t work, I would just have to make a break for the window.

“Who’s asking?” he asked sharply.

“I can’t divulge that information just yet, but if you let me go, I’ll make it worth your while,” I answered, “I’m going to help change the way this government is run.”

He let out a snide chuckle. “How wonderful, I’ve always hated those pretentious bastards. I’ll act like you were never here as long as I get to live to see those assholes fall.”

“Very well,” I answered, “Then do me a favor and open that window and clean up behind me. You’ll know exactly what you need to do when the time comes.”

He seemed to be laughing maniacally as he opened the window across the hall from the room I was in. I was almost nervous he was plotting against me but it didn’t matter at this point, I had my out. I took a running start and leaped out of the window, using my gear to keep me from hitting the ground.

“What was that?” I heard a guard whisper.

“Probably nothing, I’ll check it out,” another answered. Shit, I had to go now.

I latched onto the top of the wall and flung myself over. As I was moving to shoot onto the next building I heard the guard using his own ODM gear to get to the top of the wall. Why couldn’t he just mind his own business? 

I shot onto the next building but it wasn’t fast enough to not be seen. “Hey, stop,” I heard him yell out meekly before giving chase.

It was at that moment I had to decide if I was willing to risk my entire operation and my life to run or if I was better off cutting this soldier down before he could say another word and alert his comrades. I stopped on the roof, allowing him to catch up with me. I waited for him to land and stand next to me. And before he could draw his gun, I swung my blade, striking him right across the throat. I kicked his body just hard enough to make his body slide off the roof, making it less likely they’ll find him until after morning came and I was long gone.

I made my way back to my horse and rode out of town back to Trost as the sun began to rise. Not a single thought crossed my mind the entire way, I felt numb, completely detached from my own body.


	37. Gamble

Once I saw the last of the Military Police clear out of the complex I shot my anchors into the wall next to Erwin’s bedroom window, pulling myself up to it. I looked inside and saw Erwin and Hange speaking already, so I let myself in.

Hange looked at me in shock then smiled, “Wow am I glad to see you made it back. How did that mission of yours go?”

“It was a success, I believe,” I answered, “I haven’t gotten the chance to look at the information I took myself yet, but I trust it will be of use.”

“Hange, you’re dismissed,” Erwin stated, “I’ll catch her up then send her your way.”

“Yes, sir,” Hange replied before turning on their heel and leaving, taking Moblit in their tow.

“Well, I heard you went on quite the dangerous mission. So I trust you made something of that risk?” Erwin stated a tinge of irritation in his voice. 

“I did,” I took off my bag and retrieved the book containing the files, and handed it to him.

He stared at it silently for a moment. “I could get this book at any decent library. You risked your life for this?” he demanded.

“Open it up before you get mad at me, geez,” I took the book back and opened it, exposing the files hidden inside, “I didn’t want to get caught with a bunch of loose confidential files, so I hid them.” I closed the book and placed it on his table. “I also had a chance to speak with Premier Zackly,” I stated.

“Zackly?” he looked at me with surprise, “And what was that about?”

“He found me in the castle. He didn’t get a chance to see me nor did I tell him who I was or who I worked for,” I shifted uncomfortably, “Actually all I had to do was mention overthrowing the government and he seemed excited. He helped me escape and agreed to clean up after me.”

Erwin stared at me blankly for a moment. “So you’re telling me the only thing that ended up saving your life was Zackly deciding to spare you?” he fumed.

“No,” I huffed, “Choosing to speak with him was a calculated decision. I had a feeling he would side with anyone who wanted to overthrow the nobles, no questions asked. If I didn’t think that would work I would have knocked him out and ran like I would have any other guard.”

“So it was simply a stroke of luck,” Erwin continued reprimanding me.

“Erwin, you make every move like it’s a gamble. You make every order knowing it could not work,” I chided, “You let a titan rip off your arm then dared to tell me to leave you behind. Please do not lecture me about risking my own life. I was making it out of that castle alive, even if I had to take down every last son of a bitch in my way. Do you understand?” I glared up at him and he stared down at me. 

After a moment, Erwin yielded, breaking the eye contact. “Very well,” he said, sitting at his table with the book. “I’ll have a look through these then destroy them. I’ll write down whatever information I find and entrust it to whoever is next to see me.” Without looking up he continued, “Eren and Historia have been captured but they have two members of the Interior Police they’re trying to get answers from. Go join them.”

I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him. “Don’t be upset with me, I was taking a calculated risk,” I pleaded, “At least give a hug before you just send me away.”

He stood up again and wrapped his arm around me, leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of my head. “I love you, my dear, just please,” he squeezed me tighter, “Be careful, I’m not ready to lose you.”

“I’m not ready to lose you either,” I replied, “And I never will be ready. But you still gamble away your life every chance you get like this is poker night.” I squeezed him tighter now, rubbing my face against him, “But I love you too, don’t forget it. And I’ll see you soon.”

I slipped back out the window I came through, aiming to meet up with Squad Levi and Squad Hange once again.


	38. Are We the Villains?

When I walked into the building and saw the sad faces of the kids and heard the guttural screams I understood exactly what was happening. Someone was being tortured and these poor kids were being forced to listen. I slipped by without saying a word to the kids and headed straight to the source of the cries.

“So, who do we have here?” I asked as I walked into the room, “Interior police I’m guessing.”

“Djel Sannes,” Levi answers, “Bastard thinks some oath is more important than his own life.”

“Aww, isn’t that humble of him,” I approached and smiled down at him, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sannes, I think we can be very good friends.” I turned to Hange, “You won’t mind if I have a go at one of those nails of his right?”

“No, go right ahead,” they answered, offering me the pliers.

“Oh no, I won’t be needing those,” I answered, pulling my knife from its sheath. “I heard what you and your friends did to Pastor Nick,” I squatted down and held the tip of my knife to his hand, “I have to admit, the poor old bastard was crazy, but he didn’t deserve that.” I pushed my knife right under the nail until he screamed, “Oh, but you most definitely do.” I pushed upward with my knife until the nail separated from his skin then I yanked it off with my fingers. “Does this man still have all his teeth?” I asked, staring him directly in his eyes, “Because I think he could stand to lose a few.”

“Do as you please,” he croaked, “We of the First Interior Squad dirtied our hands to protect the King’s peace. That teacher too smart for his own good, that stupid couple that tried to fly, the whore who screwed the wrong man. No matter how they beg or plead we erased them to protect humanity. You should be on your knees thanking me. In all my years, I’ve never seen anyone take such pleasure from human suffering as you. You’re all monsters. But I am determined to face you without fear. Do what you will for I have my faith. For I believe in the king and I believe in these walls.” He let his head hang now, “If you’re going to torture me to death get on with it.”

At that moment, all I could see was red. Hearing him bring up the teacher brought up a story I was all too familiar with. I wanted this man to suffer, and it was personal. “You sure do have a lot of shit to say,” I mumbled, “Too bad none of that pretentious bullshit has anything to do with where we can find Historia and Eren.” I grabbed ahold of him by his jaw, squeezing until his mouth opened, “Why would we ever torture you to death when we can just keep you right on the brink of death? I’d love to hear you scream until your voice didn’t work anymore.” I grabbed the pliers from the cart next to me and put them to his front tooth, “I want you to suffer.” Then I pulled the tooth, causing him to let out a blood-curdling scream. I let go of his face, “Anything to say yet?”

“I think it’s time for a break,” Levi said, grabbing me by the shoulder and pulling me away. I complied, following them out of the room with Moblit behind.

I headed straight up the stairs rather than helping them with the next part of their plan. They didn’t need all four of us gathered on the stairs just to threaten a single man into reading a script.

I took one of the open seats at the table and let my head hit the table with a heavy thud. From the chorus of gasps I heard, I had to assume I startled them. Honestly, I was just tired. After a week of little to no sleep, followed by the past two days of no sleep and barely eating, I was entirely exhausted again. “Hey kids,” I mumbled weakly.

“Hey, Captain,” they mumbled back. Yeah, I wasn’t expecting much excitement after they just listened to someone get tortured for the first time in their life. I mean, it was a first for me as well, but I was much older than them, I could adjust better.

“Hey, you know how I brought those supplies, yeah?” I started, “I seemed to put most of the rations I packed in that bag rather than my own.” I peaked up at them, “You guys wouldn’t happen to still have some of those lying around, would you?”

“We do actually, here,” Connie stood up and grabbed some rations from a bag, handing them to me.

“Thank you,” I took them and smiled, immediately ripping them open and digging in.

“How can you eat right after doing that?” Armin asked, his voice shaking.

“For one,” I swallowed, “I haven’t eaten since before the last time I saw you guys. I need to eat to be able to keep going and that comes before anything on my conscience,” I sighed, “But if we’re being honest, seeing that man tortured really isn’t the worst thing I’ve experienced in life. It won’t be the thing I regret as I lie dying. If that makes me a monster then so be it. It’s a means to an end. Perhaps if he was a perfectly innocent man I would be more shaken, but he’s not. In fact, he’s killed innocent people that deserved to live their life.” I shrugged, “Maybe my years have made me cruel, but after watching so many of my comrades die in battle only to learn that the bastards in charge are actively working against what we’ve been fighting for,” I unintentionally crushed my rations in my hand as I fumed, “it makes me unbelievably angry.”

They all stared at me in stunned silence as I continued eating. Maybe I had gone too far to tell them it didn’t bother me. It honestly hadn’t bothered me yet, maybe somewhere down the line the memories would come to haunt me but that wasn’t the case yet. So I just kept eating and let them see me as the monster I was.

“Cut her some slack,” Levi said, walking up the stairs with Hange and Moblit, “She gets pissy when she doesn’t get enough alone time with Erwin. Takes it out on anyone she can.”

I choked on my food and suddenly they all looked even more concerned. “Levi,” I croaked between coughs, “Now is no time for such jokes.”

“So Jean was right,” Sasha announced, putting her fist into her palm as if she just realized something, “Levi was the third wheel.”

“Sasha,” Jean whispered harshly, “Could you not bring that up, I’d rather not get killed.”

“Really? I thought I was right,” Connie said, sounding disappointed, “I mean, afterward Eren even told me that he heard from a higher-up that the Commander and Levi had a thing going on and everyone else already knew about it.”

“The brat told you what?” Levi growled.

I let out a sharp chuckle. Despite everything that has happened, watching these three kids go at it was exactly what I needed. 

“Go to sleep,” Levi barked at me, “You’re starting to lose it again. You’re scaring the poor kids.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, “I don’t mean to make you guys feel uncomfortable. But I don’t want to lie to you either. You start to grow a little numb to this sort of stuff if you spend a few years of your life doing nothing but watching the people you care about die.” I held up my hand to them, to show them how it was shaking, “Actually, it’s not really numbness as much as it is a way to separate yourself from the situation. To not acknowledge the atrocities as they happen so you can claim it’s in the name of some greater good as if the other side doesn’t think what they’re doing is the name of a greater good as well,” I let my hand fall. “People who stand against me must certainly think I’m an evil bastard, we all are. But tell me, do you think we’re evil? Or do you think we’re just fighting tooth and nail for the version of the world we want to see?”

“I said go to sleep, damn it,” Levi griped, “Stop lecturing them, they don’t need it right now.”

“Then when will they hear it?” I asked, “These poor kids have been shaken since the moment I got here, who wouldn’t be when a man is getting his nails peeled off in the basement? I need them to know that this doesn’t make them or any of us evil. We’re just desperate to live, damn it,” I slammed my hand to the table, “If the tables were reversed, Sannes would be pulling apart any one of us to get the information he needed, he’s done it before. When you engage in a fight you have to be willing to use whatever dirty tricks you may have to get the upper hand or you may as well die before the fight starts. That doesn’t make you evil, it makes you human.”

“Who lit a fire under your ass tonight?” Levi asked, obviously annoyed.

I sighed, letting my head rest against the table again, “Sorry, sorry. I did get a little carried away there. Maybe I’ve grown too used to having someone to calm my nerves at the end of a rough day.”

“Aww,” Levi mocked, “You’re gonna make me barf.”

“I thought it was kinda sweet actually,” Hange whispered.

“Captain,” I heard Armin whisper, I peeked at him to see that he was calling out to me, “Is it really okay for us to do what we're doing?”

“Is it okay? Depends on who you ask,” I answered truthfully, “Does it make us objectively bad people? Absolutely not. Will some people still think we’re bad people? Yes, absolutely. As long as you’re not hurting people simply for your own pleasure, I would say you aren’t an evil person. People are being hurt, yes, but there is a bigger picture here. This world is cruel, it is not easy to make it through life without getting any blood on your hands. In fact, the world is so cruel that in order to simply survive we have to kill and eat another living thing and there are no two ways about that.”

They all sat in silence after that. Without realizing it was happening, I slowly drifted to sleep, sitting right there at the table.


	39. Coup D'état

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never realized how wonky the timeframe of this part of the story became in the shift from manga to anime until I’ve been sitting here trying to write these chapters. In the manga, it moves so clearly from day to day but in the anime it kind of just hops around. Specifically, I’m talking about how Erwin is arrested the same morning that Levi squad makes it to Stohess and that night it shows Hange approaches them to tell them the coup was successful but it shows from Erwin’s point of view that he was in the government’s custody for at least an entire 24 hours before being put in front of the assembly, getting arrested the dawn of one morning, being beaten and interrogated that day, and spending one night in his cell before being taken to face judgment the next morning. For my own sanity, I’ll be going with the one day story because that’s what makes the most sense in the anime which is what I’ve been using as my main reference

I woke up to someone shaking my shoulders. I sat up to see it was Jean. “Get up, we’re leaving,” he said, “Captain Levi tried to leave you here like an ass.”

I laughed as I stood up, “He wasn’t actually going to leave me, I know him, he just wanted someone else to wake me up.” I stretched then patted Jean on the shoulder as I walked towards the door, “Also, what’s the point in using honorifics if you’re gonna call him an ass in the same breath? Just call him an ass with your whole chest. He won’t do anything about it, he needs you to be able to fight.”

“I don’t think I want to find out if what you’re telling me is true or not,” Jean said.

“Fine, live in fear of a man the same height as most 13-year-old boys,” I shrugged, “Tell me what’s happening.”

“While you were asleep Sannes admitted that Reiss is the true royal family, meaning Historia is the true heir to the throne,” he paused, “We tried to wake you up, they even announced it at the table, but you were out cold.”

“I do that sometimes when I get really tired,” I admitted, “Keep going.”

“Hange and Moblit went ahead to tell the Commander,” he continued, “We’re headed to Stohess to try and find some information about where they took Eren and Historia. Levi says you’re free to go wherever you think you'll be needed.”

I thought silently to myself for a moment. “If that’s the case, I’ll be headed to Mitras,” I answered, “I’m fairly certain that’s where I’ll find Erwin and the rest of the Scouts.”

Jean seemed confused, “What do you mean by that?”

“I highly doubt the government will be allowing Erwin to be a free man for much longer, I’m sure they plan to entirely disband the Scouts by some means,” I gave a slight laugh, “It’s just a hunch right now, but my hunches are usually correct. And if not, I can still use this opportunity to check in with Premier Zackly. Let Levi know for me, if he asks,” I mounted my horse, “You know Jean, you seem to have a good head on those shoulders. I hope you make good use of that.”

He blushed and put on a wide smile, “Thank you, Captain!” I almost wanted to laugh at how happy he seemed to be complimented by his superior.

By the time I made it to Mitras, it was the afternoon, and I was guessing by the gallows being assembled outside meant my hunch about what was happening with Erwin was correct. I suddenly felt my heart in my throat, this gambling bastard’s plan better pay off or it’d end up being all of our heads.

I went around the back of the castle and tied up my horse, using my ODM gear from there to get into the building. Finding the throne room wouldn’t be hard, but that’s not where I wanted to go. First, I wanted to find Premier Zackly. I dashed down the halls, looking for him anywhere. Eventually, I found him, staring out of the window in an office.

“Premier Zackly,” I started as I walked into the room, shutting the door.

“It’s you!” he cried out, “The one who I found raiding the archive.”

“Yes,” I answered, “I’m assuming you cleaned up behind me as I asked.”

“I did,” he answered, “I’d tell any lie if it meant those pompous bastards would get what they deserved. Now please, tell me who you are.” I introduced myself to him as one of the Captains of the Survey Corps. He smiled with delight, “I should have guessed. Only a Scout would be able to act with such brazen idiocy.”

“Yes, well,” I cleared my throat, “It is almost time for you to lend us the support we’ll need. Are you prepared?”

“Of course,” Zackly bellowed, “I’ve been preparing for this opp-”

And as if it were set on a perfect timer, a Garrison soldier opened the door to Zackly’s office to summon him.

“Well, Premier,” I said, “All I ask, this is a personal favor, please turn a blind eye to whatever behavior I show when we get in there. I have some grudges to settle.”

The Premier laughed, “Yes, of course, I will turn a blind eye, if only for a moment, run free.”

I was starting to like this man despite all of his erratic behaviors, at least he wasn’t uptight and let me do what I wanted as long as it would entertain him.

As we walked down the hall together, I took the rifle off my back. I walked into the room, standing behind Zackly’s soldiers. I was somewhat disappointed that I couldn’t immediately see if Erwin was okay, but I knew he was alive and that was enough in that moment.

“I stand with him,” Zackly announced as he entered the room.

“Premier Zackly,” one of the nobles called out in surprise.

“Did you find the way they reacted surprising?” Pixis asked, “Or was it expected.”

“Surprising? Not a bit,” Zackly answered.

“Premier Zackly,” challenged another noble, “What is the meaning of this?”

“That report you just heard was fabricated, there’s no cause for alarm,” Zackly explained, “As of this moment, there has been no report of any titan attack.”

A noble gasped, “Bastard! This is all a farce?”

“It wasn’t his plan,” I heard Pixis, “It was mine.”

“Pixis?” called out the same noble. I almost wanted to laugh at how taken by surprise they were.

“It would appear that most of the Interior Police are off rounding up Scouts somewhere,” Pixis continued, “Which worked out nicely for me.”

“What are you saying?” the noble barked. It was almost like hearing a pig squeal as it was taken out to slaughter at this point.

“When you asked me, I answered you in earnest that the Garrison was not aligned with the Survey Corps. But I forgot to mention something else,” Pixis explained, “We are not aligned with your assembly either. That’s right. Although I agree with Erwin on several points, I was still willing to put my trust in your government, so long as you could prove yourself the better choice for humanity. Because you have knowledge that we don’t about both the titans and the walls. Had you shown you actually gave a damn about protecting the people you govern, I would have stood by and watched as you sent Erwin to the gallows. In fact, depending on the choice you made, all of us were prepared to forfeit our lives,” Pixis paused briefly, “However, you made it clear our suspicions were correct. It’s true that we soldiers know next to nothing about the titans and their powers. But I dare say, despite this fact humanity is safer in our hands.”

“What? Don’t be such a fool,” the noble whined, “Exactly what do you think you’ll accomplish by threatening us? You’ll fail, the people will never obey you. The monarchy has ruled for over 100 years, you will never gain the support of the nobles.”  
“It would appear you’ve misunderstood what this is,” Pixis stated, “You see it is far more than a mere threat, it’s a coup d'etat.”

At this point, the soldier that got Zackly earlier returned, “The Interior Police have been subdued. The capital is secured, sir.” 

“Well done,” Zackly praised. “To be a soldier can sometimes mean obeying your commander over your king.”

“And that’s especially true when the King’s a pretender,” Pixis added, “He’ll be exposed and replaced.”

“Are you serious? This is for real?” the noble complained, “Don’t think for a second that this coup has a sliver of legitimacy.”

“Given the scenario, you were presented with, your choice to close Sheena’s gates broke Clause 6 of the Charter of Humanity,” I heard Erwin’s voice, as powerful and commanding as ever. I couldn’t help but to feel a bit of pride as he stood up to these self-righteous pricks. “Furthermore, you installed a puppet king to seize the reins of power for yourselves. This crime is known as treason.”

“Ah! Shit!” the noble cried out in defeat. I heard a thud and he continued to yell, “Wake up!”

“What is it dinner time?” I heard a feeble-sounding old man ask.

“Oh, shut your mouth you stupid oaf,” the noble yelled back.

As the nobles were restrained I took this as the time for my revenge to be enacted. I walked past Zackly and he gave me an approving nod. So I walked straight up to a restrained noble and held my rifle in my hands, then Iifted it and swung, hitting him in the face with the butt of it. Everyone in the room gasped. “Let her continue,” Zackly called out.

I proceeded to hit each of them square in the nose with my gun, leaving them in a daze. Then I took a deep breath and yelled out, “What the hell is wrong with you cruel bastards to ever think it was acceptable to order for a man who has one arm to be beaten? You sick sons of bitches, I hope you rot.”

I then turned on my heels and walked towards Nile, “And you, don’t think I’ve forgotten you. Holding that gun to Erwin’s face as if he were some sort of criminal rather than taking the blame for the monster in your ranks. Maybe if you had just paid a little more attention to those who work under you we never would have had to bring that fight to Stohess. And if you had some fucking balls it wouldn’t have taken the threat of your family being left to die for you to care that this government was corrupt.”

As I was winding up my hit towards Nile, Erwin reached out his now freed hand and grabbed my arm. “Now, my dear,” he coaxed, “I am safe now, there’s no reason to go on a rampage now.”

I smiled sweetly at him, “Please, just one more then I’ll stop.”

He let go of my arm and turned to Nile, “I’m in no condition to stop her, plead for her to spare you yourself.”

“Do it,” Nile stated glumly, “I de-”

He was cut off mid-sentence by the butt of my gun hitting his face, albeit softer than I was originally planning. “Sorry, all I needed to hear was do it.”

Nile held his bleeding nose in his hand and let out a short laugh, “Quite the spirit on this one, huh Erwin? Much more your style than Marie.”

“Huh? What are you talking about Nile?” I prodded.

“Well, I just assumed, but if walking into a room busting faces for the honor of a man isn’t a proclamation of love, I don’t know what is,” Nile stated.

“No, no, wait,” I poked him with my gun, “Who the hell is Marie?”

“Oh, Marie,” he looked over at Erwin, who was unresponsive to his glance, “She’s my wife now but once upon a time, Erwin had a crush on her himself. But, he’s a much more driven man than I am and Marie is a much more down-to-earth woman than you are. Erwin wasn’t about to give up his goals for anyone, but I wasn’t so strong-willed, I’d give up everything for Marie. This is why I’m in the Military Police and married to her now. But I’m happy he’s found someone who is as hard-headed as he is to fight alongside him.”

“Please, spare me,” I said, “You didn’t care if someone loved him not 10 minutes ago when you were about to let him get sent to the gallows. You’re awfully lucky his plan worked because if it didn’t I was going to do much worse to everyone in this room than just break their nose.”

“You,” Nile stuttered for a second, “You kind of scare me.”

“Good. Now you know better than to ever try and betray Erwin again,” I smiled, “Play nice and nobody gets hurt.”

“My dear,” Erwin sighed, “Please stop threatening people. I understand you must have been scared but that’s no reason to attack everyone else.”

“Actually, I wasn’t all that afraid this time,” I admitted, “I trusted that the plan would work out. I knew the nobles were greedy pigs and with both Pixis and Zackly on our sides it really only came down to Nile. And I highly doubted he would sit idly by and allow his family to be eaten by titans, no matter how cowardly he may be.”

“Thank you for trusting me,” Erwin said with a slight smile, taking his hand to my cheek, “Let us go and finish up here quickly. I’m certain the others will be needing us soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is gonna be longer than the 50 chapters I originally planned most likely. But I refuse to cut anything out at this point lmao.


	40. Reason to Fight

As I sat in the carriage across from Erwin and Zackly headed off to join with the rest of the Scouts, I watched Erwin’s gloomy and pensive face. Part of me really wanted to reach out and comfort him but I wasn’t about to infantilize him in front of Zackly. I would just have to wait.

“For the sake of humanity, it might have been better to let that government stand,” Erwin mused, causing both Zackly and I to look at him in confusion, “Like Commander Pixis was saying, they have far more knowledge than us and they have kept us going this far. Even if they would have watched as half of the human race perished, it’s better than letting us go extinct.”

There was a moment of silence, neither Zackly nor I responded to his thoughts. He continued, “Should I have given up? Let them take Eren, given up my life, and put my comrades at risk? And put my trust in their selfish wisdom?” His eyes looked down to the floor, dismay across his face, “Too late now. Instead, I’ve endangered us all.”

Zackly shifted then turned to Erwin. “Your duty is as painful a burden as ever I see,” he stated, “Perhaps death would have been easier for you. So tell me, why didn’t you do as you just described?”

“I’m not sure,” Erwin answered.

“Why don’t I tell you my own reason,” Zackly replied immediately, anger spreading across his face, “I’ve hated those arrogant bastards for a long time! Those self-assured pigs would eat from gilded troughs and pretend their shit was gold.” Erwin was staring at Zackly now, I could see the slight shock on his face. I tried to warn him that Zackly was a little too happy about all this before.

“You know what,” Zackly continued, a dastardly look on his face now, “I think I might grow to like them. Now that the day I’ve dreamed of has finally come to pass.” He turned to Erwin again, “Well, at any rate, if you hadn’t done it today, I would have given a shot myself before I kicked the bucket. I honestly couldn’t care less how this coup of ours ends up affecting the fate of humanity.” He sat back in his seat with a dry laugh, “I guess that makes me quite the scoundrel. I’m telling you this because I know you are the same. You made the choice that would keep you alive. A part of you decided that the fate of humanity only mattered if you would get to see it.”

“I must be incredibly conceited to think that,” Erwin said meekly.

“It’s your turn to answer now,” Zackly said, “Why did you risk it all just to bring them down?”

Erwin was silent for a moment before answering, “I’ve had this dream, something to prove, ever since I was a child.”

Zackly nodded along then looked to me, “And you, Captain? I find it hard to imagine you are simply acting on his orders.”

“I wish I could give some heroic, selfless answer,” I admitted, “But I realized a few years ago that my main reason for fighting wasn’t for humanity, it was for myself. I joined the Survey Corps because I wanted to go somewhere away from these walls. I thought if I escaped I could be happy, that anywhere could have been better than the home I knew. Even if getting away cost the lives of hundreds, I was willing to take that risk, as long as I’d get there.”

“It would appear we’re all selfish people then, don’t you think?” Zackly puzzled.

“We’re not selfish, just people,” I answered, “The same as everyone who didn’t want to risk what they had to change anything. They decided they were happy with the way things were and wanted to protect that, even if other people suffered that way. We decided we’d be happier if things changed and fought for that. It doesn’t make us selfish, it just makes us human.”

Zackly let out a laugh, “I see. Is this how you’ve managed to keep your head on straight all these years, Erwin?”

I watched as a small smile spread across Erwin’s face. “Yes, I believe so,” Erwin answered, “She’s quite good at helping me see straight, taking the guilt off of my conscience.”

“Don’t forget to send me a wedding invitation then,” joked Zackly. 

I couldn’t help but blush, being open about our relationship wasn’t something I was used to and it was a bit embarrassing. I noticed Erwin was staring at me, that look in his eyes like I was the only thing he could see. But I guess when the government was on the verge of collapse and relying entirely on you and your subordinates to save it, you didn’t have to hide the fact that you were dating one of your captains anymore. What were they going to do? Fire us after putting on that entire show for the coup to work?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on doing two chapters tonight but I didn't have time to finish the second one cause my oven broke and I had to spend the time I would have spent writing trying to fix that instead :(


	41. Rod Reiss

We all stopped and watched as the titan emerged from the ground, steam blocking off most of the sight. This thing had to be at least 100 meters. I felt a sense of terror and curiosity burning in the back of my throat. 

“What the fuck is that?” I muttered, “It’s huge, I’m sure that thing could take down the wall with ease. We need to reach the Orvud District before it does and set up a battle plan.”

“Advance!” Erwin commanded and we all took off, following his lead.

Once we reached the titan, the steam was so hot that the trees it passed caught fire. There was no way we’d be able to approach and fight it like a standard titan. And it didn’t seem distractible.

“We found Squad Levi,” a soldier called out, “They’re nearby. They’ve succeeded and have Eren and Historia.”

We immediately took off to meet up with them. They slowed to a stop as we approached and Erwin went directly to them and I followed after him.

“Anyone hurt?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah, Hange took a hit,” Levi answered. Hange weakly waved at us from their spot in the cart. The gash in their shoulder looked fairly deep but they would definitely survive.

“Doesn’t look like anything too serious,” Erwin stated, ”You’ve done excellent work, all of you.”

“I’ve got a whole slew of things to report,” Levi said, “But first…”

“Anything on that titan?” Erwin questioned.

“It’s Rod Reiss,” Levi answered. I gasped. “I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this, Commander.”

We all looked at each other nervously for a moment. A part of me desperately wanted to comfort the kids that I knew had been through way too much in the last few days, but that would have to come later. First, we had to figure out how to subdue the titan.

“Time’s short, we can’t afford to stand here and chat,” Erwin said, “Head back to the wall.” 

“You gonna let that thing drag its fat ass all the way to Sheena?” Levi questioned.

Erwin looked back at Levi over his shoulder, “Well, more specifically, I’m letting it continue towards Orvud District.”

I rode back towards Orvud alongside Erwin, my mind racing at a hundred miles per hour. We had to figure out how to slay that gargantuan titan before it can break down the wall. We had to figure out a way to destroy the nape even though we couldn’t get close without being burned. I watched the way it moved: so large it couldn’t even walk or run, it simply dragged itself along the ground. It had to be doing some damage to itself like that. 

“Do you have any idea yet?” Erwin inquired, causing me to snap my attention away from the titan to him.

“I have thoughts but no plans yet,” I answered honestly, “Tell me what you’re thinking, and maybe it will help me work something out.”

“The titan will be able to tower over the walls, even if it can’t manage to stand,” he stated, “This is Wall Sheena, so it’s likely the defenses will be ill-prepared and ineffective. We can’t evacuate the citizens or else the titan will divert its attention elsewhere. We’ll have the support of the Garrison but most of the soldiers will likely be inexperienced and desperate to flee.”

I hummed in thought for a moment, considering all the things he had just presented to me. “We’ll have to prepare the citizens to be evacuated in a calm fashion without actually evacuating them until the very last second if we have to at all. I agree that the cannons on this wall likely won’t cause much damage but we should prepare them and use them anyway, it could end up being to our benefit to cause as much damage as we can to the titan,” I sighed, “But I’m not sure how to take care of the titan itself yet. We have Eren but he’s so small in comparison I doubt even he’d be able to do much damage on his own if he could even get through that steam. And the steam means we can’t attack either, we’ll be overwhelmed. In theory, if we were to break apart the titan, the smaller bits of steam would be more manageable and we’d be able to fight head-on.”

“What if we blow apart the titan?” Erwin asked. We rode past the Orvud gate at this point, headed for the Garrison headquarters.

“If we could blow apart the titan we’d just have to identify the piece that was the nape and destroy it before it regenerated, correct?” I hypothesized, “So I think that’d work. But we’d either need enough explosives to blow up a small town to drop on its head and hope for the best or we’d need to be able to make a very targeted attack to its neck.”

“With the way, it’s traveling,” Erwin paused for a moment, obviously thinking to himself, “How likely do you believe it is that it will have a face by the time it reaches Orvud?”

“With it moving as fast as it is and it’s just dragging itself against the hard ground?” I thought about it for a moment, “It’s like holding a pencil to a grindstone. I think it’s highly unlikely to have a frontside, let alone a face, by the time it reaches Orvud.”

We came to a stop in front of the headquarters and hopped off our horses. “I think I have an idea. Help me refine it and we should be able to take this bastard down.”


	42. Orvud

I stood alongside Squad Levi and Erwin atop the wall, watching canon fire useless hit against the titan. It was pathetic honestly, something akin to throwing blueberries against a wall thinking it will make a hole. It was a good thing that we weren’t relying on those to work. I was relieved to see Hange’s squad arriving with the supplies we’d truly be relying on.

I kneeled on the floor, alongside Historia, preparing the rope for our explosive. I could see Erwin approaching from my peripheral vision. I assumed he was going to talk to Historia about her position as queen so I focused on my work.

“Please, sir!” Historia piped up, gaining my attention, “I have to! I’ve finally found my purpose, the duty I was actually meant to fulfill. That’s why I’m standing here right now.” I couldn’t stop the smile that was spreading across my face. Hearing her, a girl who seemed timid and too polite for her own good when I first met her, standing up to her commander made me feel happy for her. 

I watched as Erwin turned away from her. “Well, at any rate, with my body as it is now I can’t exactly stop you, can I?” he said, causing Historia to look shocked. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Even though he was missing an arm now, he wasn’t weak by any means, he could have just as easily stopped her as he could have stopped me from hitting Nile. But I was glad he let her have her way, she deserved to live her life the way she wanted to even if she was putting herself in danger.

We finished setting up our explosives just as the titan closed in on the wall. The direction of the wind shifted and I could feel the heat of the steam against my skin now, but I didn’t let it faze me. As the titan began to stand panic ensued, both in the streets below and among the Garrison soldiers on the wall. It was time for our plan to either make it or break it.

I took a pail of water and pumped it over my head, allowing for a layer of protection between me and the steam. I refilled the pail and walked over to Erwin. He glanced at me then sighed, crouching just enough to let me pour it over his head. 

“Erwin, being wet is much preferred to being burned while standing here,” I reprimanded him. He just seemed annoyed but I really couldn’t care less how annoyed he got when I was protecting him.

“On my mark,” Erwin called out, readying his flare. We watched as the titan planted its hands on the wall. “Now!” he ordered, firing off the signal. Armin and Sasha set off the explosive barrels, blowing off its hands. “Eren, do it,” Erwin ordered. Eren came running in his titan form, carrying the other explosives over his shoulder. We all watched in anticipation.

As soon as Eren shoved the explosives into the titan’s gaping mouth they started going off. We watched as the flesh of the titan bubbled then tore, breaking into smaller chunks then flying through the air. It was disgusting, to say the least.

“Go,” Erwin shouted, “Deploy your ODM gear and finish it off.” On his orders, we all sprung into action, flying into the sky to find the piece of the titan that was truly its weak point.

I cut into each bit of flesh I crossed, tearing them apart to be certain that wasn’t the piece we were looking for. Then there was an explosion behind me. I turned around just in time to see Historia falling from the sky, but there was nothing I could do to help her now. I went towards her and saw she landed on a cart and seemed perfectly fine. I saw the remaining pieces of the titan beginning to evaporate and I knew we won. I let out a sigh and kept going forward until I made my way back to Erwin.

As soon as my feet hit the top of the wall I started running straight towards Erwin. There were already a few other Scouts around him. The two of us made eye contact but he didn’t stop talking with those around him. Once I got closer, he realized I wasn’t about to stop running and I saw his eyes widen slightly. Before he got the chance to react, I barrelled directly into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and causing him to stumble a bit before he steadied himself and wrapped his arm around me too.

“Captain, what has gotten into you?” he tried to protest and I could tell by his voice he was flustered. Without answering, I grabbed onto the collar of his shirt and pulled him down for a kiss, which he returned eagerly despite his previous opposition.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be seeing this,” I heard Connie complaining from behind.

“It’s kinda like seeing your parents kiss… gross,” Jean added.

I let go of Erwin and saw all the shocked faces around. It’s not like it was a secret we were together anymore, but it hadn’t been a well-known fact either. Too late to go back to hiding it now though. 

“Let us go join Historia then return to Mitras,” Erwin said, clearing his throat and regaining his composure. 

“Yes, sir,” the Scouts shouted in chorus before they started to drop off the wall.

“About time you guys stopped hiding it,” Hange stated, placing their hand on my shoulder. I had no idea they were even behind me so I flinched when they touched me, making them laugh. Before I could respond they leaped off the wall, making their way to the ground below. I sighed then laughed before following after.


	43. Tea Shop

When I woke up in our Trost headquarters, lying beside Erwin, I realized just how calming familiarity was. For the first time in weeks, I woke up in the morning feeling well-rested and at ease. Things in the world may have changed and the hardships may not be over, but within these four walls and in this bed was someplace I could feel like things were okay. Not to mention Erwin’s sleeping face which made things just that much better.

I reached out to him, gently pushing his hair back and away from his face. He was still just as handsome as the first time I ever saw him. I pressed my lips to his forehead and stayed like that, enjoying the calm I was experiencing while it lasted. 

After a few minutes, I felt Erwin start to move, then I felt his arm embracing me. “Good morning, my love,” I whispered.

“Good morning, my dear,” he replied. He looked at me with sleepy eyes and a dazed smile. I loved seeing him the mornings when he woke up slowly, he always looked so happy just to see me. I went for a kiss and he gladly obliged, letting me give him multiple little kisses on his lips. 

After a few kisses, I realized he was falling back asleep, which was entirely unlike him but I was glad to see he was finally catching up on the rest he needed. I couldn’t truly expect a man who just lost his arm, then was arrested and beaten, to be fully recovered after just a few hours of sleep. I would lay here with him all day if that’s what he wanted, we had the day off anyway.

I idly ran my fingers through his hair and held onto him for I don’t know how long until he finally started to wake up again. This time when he looked at me he didn’t look so out of it, I could tell he was actually awake this time. 

“Erwin,” I placed a kiss on the tip of his nose, “Are you hungry?”

He rolled over and stretched. “Tempting me with food, very good strategy,” he joked as he sat up.

“If you wanna keep laying in bed I’ll come to bring you some food, I’ll even feed it to you,” I offered.

“I’m sure you would,” he stood up now and started grabbing his clothes, “But no, I can’t lay in bed all day.”

“You can, you’re just too stubborn to ever let yourself rest,” I complained.

“Come on,” Erwin tossed one of my shirts at me, “If we hurry we can still make it out to the nice tea shop in town before they sell out of your favorite bread.”

“You’re in an awfully good mood today, Erwin,” I teased, putting the shirt he gave me on, “But you know that bread is too delicious for me to turn down.”

“Yes, even though we have yet to accomplish our main goal, I think we’ve laid out the groundwork to ensure it happens,” he turned to me and flashed me a smile, “Besides, I can't help but be in a good mood on mornings when you wake me up so sweetly. It feels like it's been a while since the last time that happened.”

“Stop being all mushy, let’s head out,” I rushed him, “If we get there and they don’t have the bread, I’m going to be really upset now so hurry.” 

He smiled at me and then laughed. It made my heart feel light to be able to see him in a genuinely decent mood for the first time in a few months. I wasn’t about to let it go to waste, I would enjoy every second of it. 

Once we finished getting ready, we headed outside. The sun was positioned high in the sky meaning I let Erwin sleep in until midday. I felt Erwin’s hand graze against mine then I felt him slide his fingers between mine and hold onto my hand. I looked up at his face and he was looking away from me. 

“Erwin,” I teased, “Are you, a grown man, a commander of an army, nervous about holding a girl’s hand?”

“No,” he denied but I could see the hint of blush on his cheeks. “Before, we could never walk around holding hands in public. It’s nice to be able to do it now.”

“You’re adorable,” I grinned at him and gave his hand a squeeze. Then I started walking towards the street.

“Ahoy, lovebirds,” I heard Hange calling out from behind us not even two steps later. We both sighed and stopped, waiting for them to catch up with us. “Where are you two off to? Going on an adventure without us?” 

“We’re just going for some tea,” Erwin informed them. 

“Tea? Wait right here. I’ll get Levi and we can all go together,” Hange told us. Before either of us could respond they were off again, leaving behind poor Moblit.

“Sorry,” Moblit apologized, “I tried to tell them you guys probably wanted to be alone but they wouldn’t listen.”

“No worries,” I smiled warmly at Moblit, “You and Hange and Levi are always good company.”

The three of us chatted idly while we waited for Hange to return. After a few minutes, I saw them approaching with seven people in tow. I let out a heavy sigh and Erwin let go of my hand and brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose. This had very quickly gone from a quick and calm outing with each other to a lunch out with friends to an entire party.

“Sorry, sorry,” Hange laughed as they walked up to us, “Levi was with his squad and I just couldn’t help but invite them along too.”

“I wasn’t even going to come myself after they invited all the brats,” Levi complained, “But they all looked like they were going to cry when I said I didn’t want to go out with them.”

“Whatever, let’s just go before they sell out of the good stuff,” I grabbed ahold of Erwin’s hand again and tugged him along.

Walking into the tea shop and watching all the patrons and workers stop and stare was something I could only describe as awkward. We had been getting stares all the way down the street as well. It could really only be expected. After all, the Scouts Regiment was being publicized as the ones who shed light on the misdoings of the government so it was expected that if four of the highest-ranked members as well as some of their most elite soldiers would get some stares when they all went somewhere together. But it was still really awkward.

“Commander Erwin,” the shop owner called out when he saw us, “If only I had known you would be coming by today, I would have prepared some of both of your favorites.” He then looked at all the other people we had with us and smiled, “I see you’ve brought Captain Levi this time as well as some others, how nice! Take a seat!”

“So,” Levi glared at me, “I told you about which tea shop I liked to go to and you started bringing Erwin here in secret huh?”

I laughed awkwardly as I took my seat, “Well, yes but only every once in a while.”

“You traitor,” he complained, taking the seat to my left while Erwin was on my right.

The owner came over and took each of our orders himself. I watched as everyone around me seemed to be enjoying themself, talking with each other, and I felt a sense of bittersweet happiness come over me. I wish that every day could be something like this, us getting to be normal people who could go for a cup of tea in the afternoon together and happily chat amongst ourselves whenever we wanted to. Instead, this was an exception, being able to enjoy something like this was a luxury we often couldn’t have. 

“What are you thinking about?” I heard Erwin whisper, grabbing my hand under the table.

I turned to him and smiled, “Nothing, just enjoying the moment.”

“You must be really happy about that bread then,” he joked, “I’m glad to see you smiling again. I’m sorry things have been so difficult the last two months.”

“It's not like it’s your fault, there’s no reason for you to be apologizing,” I rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.

“Captain,” I heard Eren call out from across the table so I sat up and looked at him, “Why did you lie to me about the Commander and Captain Levi?”

“Oh no, not this again,” I mumbled, “Uh, why don’t we just forget about that? It was just a little joke I didn’t expect you to believe me so much.”

“What did you tell him?” Erwin pressed.

“Nothing really,” I laughed uncomfortably.

“Erwin, according to your girlfriend,” Levi glared at me as he spoke, “we’re apparently lovers. She told Eren then had him spread it around to the other recruits when they came.”

“Hey! I didn’t tell him to tell the other recruits!” I defended myself, “I just told him that ‘cause Levi told him we were married.”

“Well, I didn’t realize how close to the truth I was when I said that,” Levi scoffed.

“Captain Levi threatened me this morning,” Eren continued, “Because apparently someone opened their stupid mouth about me telling them.” He glared at Jean as he said the last part, even though I knew it wasn’t him who said it. 

“What are you looking at me for, idiot?” Jean yelled, “It was Connie who said it, dumbass.”

“Leave me out of this, I was just being honest,” Connie said, trying to protect himself.

“Could you kids quiet down, we’re in public,” Hange lectured them. They kept bickering but quieter.

“It’s not very kind of you to spread rumors like that,” Erwin chided me, “You can’t take advantage of someone being gullible like that.”

“Not all concerned about how the rumor made you look, huh?” Levi rolled his eyes.

“It was just as bad as the reality of the situation,” Erwin stated plainly, “I was in a relationship with one of my Captains. If people thought I was doing that, it really doesn’t matter which Captain it is, does it? It’d be inappropriate either way.”

I couldn’t help but laugh now. The kids fighting in front of me, Erwin being completely unfazed by the idea of being with a man, Levi practically steaming with annoyance. It was all so funny to me.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,” Hange started to speak and I stopped laughing to look at them, “I had some papers Erwin asked me to give to you. He told me to give them to you because he was about to be, you know, arrested and he couldn’t give them to you himself. But after that, you were already in Mitras so I couldn’t give them to you. It was a really sweet letter, I’m sure you’ll want to read them yourself.”

“You didn’t give her the letter and you read it yourself?” Erwin asked, I could see the irritation in his eyes, “You should at least have the decency to not read private letters, Hange!”

“Well, you put it with all the important papers you gave me so I started reading it on accident,” Hange explained, “But once I started my curiosity got the better of me and I couldn’t stop.”

“That’s so wrong,” Moblit chastised them.

I could see the vexed expression on Erwin’s face and I started giggling more. “Give me it when we get back to HQ, Hange. I can’t wait to read it,” I said.

“No,” Erwin cleared his throat, “It was just in case I didn’t get the chance to see you again. Since that didn’t happen there’s no reason to read it.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’m reading it. I don’t care if you’re embarrassed by it now Erwin.”

“Aw, Erwin,” Hange teased, “No reason to be shy about it.” Erwin shot them a look that could likely scare even the strongest of men but they just laughed in retaliation.

Our tea and food arrived and things quieted down considerably. Nothing could make a soldier quiet down quite like food that wasn’t from the dining hall could. No offense to them, but our cooks weren’t exactly known for their excellent skills. But watching Sasha eat was something like watching a wild animal tear into its freshly caught prey.


End file.
